“What is the proper form of accepting or declining invitations to receptions, weddings, graduations, etc.? Should an acceptance or refusal of such an invitation be accompanied by a gift? If so, what is the most appropriate, and the best form in which to give it?”
The above questions can all be answered upon the same principle. The formula of acknowledging invitations to receptions differs as widely as the style of cards; but the very best “good form” is for each invited guest in her own natural manner, in a personal, kindly note, to either accept, or express regrets at not being able to attend. Books on etiquette give an assortment of styles varying in degrees of stiffness, which you can copy if you wish, but they are the most ungraceful relics of dead form on record.
Concerning weddings: in many circles it is supposed that a response to a wedding invitation must necessarily include a wedding gift; but to assume that such an event is the occasion of soliciting silverware, dry-goods, and furniture is one of the very worst of all bad forms. The wedding gift has become one of the most troublesome expressions of social hypocrisy. If it could be possible to abolish it, and give society a chance to go back to the simple habits of fifty years ago, it would be a blessing indeed. It is a misfortune to a young couple to receive even one gift that either for its pretended or real value would make the simple style in which they will doubtless be obliged to begin life seem mean. Flowers or books are the most suitable things to bring to a wedding, and even flowers may be so profuse as to become vulgar. This does not of course include those gifts that would naturally be made by the family for the purpose of giving the young couple “a start in life.”
“What are the proper conditions and forms upon which introductions should take place?”
Good form requires that no man shall address a lady without an introduction, unless it be in a case of extreme necessity. An emergency, for the time being, nullifies all ceremony; but after the emergency is passed, the informal acquaintance should be ended. Every boy should be so taught in the home that as he grows up, and goes out into the world, he will not offend against good form, and bring himself under suspicion by intruding upon the notice of any young woman whom he may happen to fancy, without the formality of an introduction by some one of whom he will have no reason to be ashamed.
Good form requires that the introduction of any two persons should be by the desire of both. The slightest objection upon the part of either would make the introduction a gross intrusion. The reasons for this are obvious. Society has seen that after the introduction, anything may follow, and the only chance for a young woman to protect herself from undesirable and dangerous association, may be in the rigid enforcement of this simple rule of rights. The proper form of introduction is that which is most easy and graceful in manner for the one who is to do the introducing. As in everything else, individuality should be given a chance; the spirit and manner carries much more weight than the words. Always, however, the person who is to be in any way advantaged by the introduction, favored either in pleasure or profit, is the one who is to be presented to the other. For instance, Mr. Lane has seen Miss Mason, and has recognized her as one whose acquaintance he would enjoy. He asks a mutual friend to secure the privilege of this introduction; Miss Mason has been asked the favor with the assumption that it will be entirely for Mr. Lane’s advantage and pleasure. Miss Mason is gracious, and consents to grant the request. Mr. Lane is therefore brought to the place where the young lady is waiting. Never should a person who is to receive another be asked to come to be introduced. Bring the candidate for this social favor, to the one of whom it has been asked, and upon approaching, you will say, “Miss Mason, allow me the pleasure of presenting Mr. Lane. Mr. Lane, Miss Mason,” upon which Miss Mason will bow slightly, Mr. Lane a little more noticeably. They will not shake hands, but will stand, or perhaps be seated, and converse for a few moments, when Mr. Lane will take his leave, if he knows what is good for him, and wait for some further recognition from Miss Mason.
Among very intimate friends, where it is well known that an acquaintance would certainly be a mutual pleasure and benefit, this formula is not always necessary. I have been giving the strict social good-form code, which is for protection against annoyances. It would be an unfortunate social misdemeanor for any person to make the second effort to receive an introduction which has been once declined, without some advances from the person who had made the refusal.
When a young man desires to cultivate the acquaintance of a young woman, good form requires that before he utters a word, he shall frankly inform her parents of his wishes, and ask their consent. And this is right; and even if their decision is against him, a young man who is worthy of a wife will have that regard for the rights of the parent which will make him careful how he ruthlessly breaks into the family circle. He will give himself time and opportunity to win the parents, before he disturbs the mind of the daughter. The observance of good form in such matters will bring a blessing, and save unspeakable trouble, even if it should require what seems to the heart of a youth a great deal of unreasonable delay.