To the Editers of The Cawcashin:
Surs:—I expect you'll be struck all aback to git anuther letter from me, dated Washington, and I'm kinder surprised myself, for I expected to be in Downingville, long afore this. But you'll see by the time you git through this letter, that it was impossibul for me to leave. I got my trunks all packed up and ready to start, when lo! and beheld, my hickery, that Ginneral Jackson give me, was missin! Now, I couldn't no more travil without my hickery cane then I could sodder up this broken Union with skim milk. I told Linkin I was all ready, but that my hickery was missin. So he called the feller in putty bad close, who does chores around the White House, and asked him if he'd seen it? He sed he hadn't. Then I reckollected that there had been a Cabbynet meetin the night before, and it struck me that some of the members had walked off with it. So Linkin sent the feller around to see. After he'd gone, I told Linkin ef any of 'em had it that I'd bet it was Stantin, for ses I, "Kernel, ever sense he tried to get on your trowsers down to Fort Monrow, he's acted jest as ef he wanted to play Ginneral Jackson, and ef he can git a piece of hickery that the old Ginneral has handled, he'd think that he was on the road to glory." Sure enuf he had it, but pretended it was all a mistake, jest as he did when I caught him in the Kernel's trowsers. Depend upon it, Stantin needs watchin, for he is one of them kind of fellers who's got it into ther head that they are forordained for somethin, and they don't know what.
The loss of my hickery kept me over one day longer, and the next day I got the bottle of Borebon whiskey which you sent to me. A feller by the name of Adams fetched it, and he wouldn't take any pay for his trubble either. I asked him ef he was eny relashin to Phil Adams, who used to keep a tanyard in Downingville, as he was a very clever man, and used to do enything for his naybors for nothin. The chap laughed rite out loud at this, and sed "He didn't see it." Ses I, "What don't you see?" "Wal," sed he, "never mind, old feller, about tellin long stories, but jest put your name rite down there," and he handed out a big book full of writin. Ses I, "Mr. Adams, I never put my name to enything that I don't understand." Ses I, "That may be a secesh docyment for all I know." Ses the feller, ses he, "Git out! this is only a receipt for that bottle." "Wal," ses I, "ef that's all, then here goes." So I got my spectacles and a quill pen, for I never rite with eny of the new-fangled kinds, and I jest rote out "Majer Jack Downing" in a stile that made the fellow stare. Ses I, "Mr. Adams, you have some awful poor riters among the fellers you deal with, but I ain't ashamed of that ritin enywhere." The chap he looked at it a moment, and then he looked at me, and finally ses he, "Bully for you," and in a jiffy he was off, without even shakin hands or sayin good by.
After he was gone I took the bottle into Linkin's room and opened it. "Now," ses I, "Kernel, let's try this licker." "Wal," ses he, "Major, I'm a good judge of Borebon, for it comes from my old State of Kentuck." Wen Linkin saw the name on the bottle, "Mr. Cotton, 306 Washington street, N.Y.," ses he, "Major, do you think this is loyal wiskey?" "Why," ses I, "Kernel, what makes you ask that questshin?" "Wal," ses he, "don't you see the man's name is Cotton!" "Now," ses I, "Kernel, what an idee that is! Do you suppose it would be dangerous for him to live down in Secesh, where they are burning cotton as fast as they kin?" "Wal, never mind the name, Majer, let us taste of the wiskey. I can tell whether its loyal or not." So I opened the bottle and poured out some, and the Kernel took a good swig. I also took a snifter, and we both pronounced it A No. 1 licker, and loyal, too. "Now," ses I, "Kernel, can you tell me why this wiskey is like the Constitushin of the United States?" "No," ses he, "I don't see eny simularity." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, this wiskey was made for White Men, jest as the Constitushin was." Ses he, "Majer, how do you know it was made for white men?" "Wal," see I, "it is jest as plain to me as daylight. You see, Kernel, the licker agrees with you. It tastes good. It won't hurt you; in a word, it corresponds with natur. That's a sign it was made for you. Jest so it was with the Constitushin. It applies to white men exactly, and they've always got along together with it fust rate. Now, you give this wiskey to the niggers, and they get drunk on it, and cut up all sorts of scrapes, but white men, whom it was made for, know jest how to use it, and it don't do them eny hurt. Jest so with the Constitushin; you apply it to niggers and it is jest as bad for 'em as wiskey. They don't know how to use it, an they'll destroy everything, an make themselves an everybody else ten times worse off." "Wal," ses the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, I wish I could see how it is that the Constitushin don't apply to niggers jest as much as to white men." Ses I, "Kernel, you don't look at the Constitushin thru constitushinal spectacles. That Chicago Platform bothers you." "Now," ses I, "Kernel, ef I'll make you a Constitushinal Tellskope, will you promise me to use it? If you will, it will be about as good a guide to you as ef I staid here all summer myself?" Ses I, "It will show the Constitushin as it is, an the Union as it was." Wen I spoke of this, Linkin sed he'd be tickled eenamost to deth ef I would make him one. So I told him I could do it in one day, an that although I was very anxus to get hum, yet I'd fix this up before I started. So I jest went up to my room and began to plan. I had a pair of old spectacles, which Ginneral Jackson give me, and I knew that the glasses were jest as sound constitushinal glasses as were ever looked thru. So I took 'em out of the cases, an got a magnifyin glass and put between 'em, an fixed 'em in a long, narrer box. It took me about all day before I got it finished. Wen it was all done, I looked thru it, and you never see sech a glorious site. I could see jest as ef it was the hull Union layin out before me. There was the Stars and Stripes, an the eagle, an thirty millions of white people, all happy an contented, an joy an prosperity smilin everywhere. An the sky seemed to be bendin down so as to almost tech the arth, an away up in the clouds I could see rais of light streemin forth, an I thought I could even see the angil robes of Washington, an Jefferson, an Madison, and the old Ginneral lookin down, an rite over the hull was the words, "Glory" and "Peace," in grate big letters. It was raley beautiful. I got a lookin at it, an forgot all about myself, in a sort of a reveree, and wen I cum to, I found I'd been cryin, because, you see, that was the Union as it was, an not as it is now. In fact, wen I got awake, I found it was eenamost pitch dark, an so Linkin couldn't look thru the Teliskope that nite. Then I got a piece of chalk, an marked it "Linkin's Teliskope," an took it to him.
"There," ses I, "Kernel, that Teliskope is done, an to-morrow you kin take a look at the Union as it was, an the Constitushin as it is." Ses I, "The scene is a glorious one." So I left the Teliskope in Linkin's room that nite, an went to bed.
The next morning after I got my breakfast, I went in, "And now," ses I, "Kernel, we must try the Teliskope." So I thought I'd look thru fust to see ef the glasses were set all rite, wen I was never so took aback in my life. Instead of the joy and happiness, and the smilin faces, and the thirty millions of white people, the rais of lite in the sky with "Glory and Peace" on em, all was dark and dismal. All I could see was some 4,000,000 of niggers, and war, and bloodshed, and misery, camps full of sick sojers and broken waggons, wimmen and children cryin, and the sky was black, and away up on a black cloud, in letters still blacker, I could see the words "Negro Freedom and War."
I jumped back as ef I was hit wen I saw it. Ses Linkin, "What's the matter, Majer?" Ses I, "Kernel, that Teliskope is all out of order. It ain't rite." But Linkin sed he hadn't teched it, so I was puzzled. So after thinkin awhile, ses I, "Kernel, was there enybody here last nite after I went away!" "Yes," ses he, "Boss Seward came in for a while and talked over matters." Ses I, "Did he tech this?" "Wal, he was lookin kinder inquirin at it, and I telled him what it was, and he seemed to be grately struck, and examined it very clus."
"No," ses I, "that ackounts for it. The pesky critter has been playin one of his cunnin tricks on me; but my name ain't Jack Downing ef I don't expose him. No true constitushinal Teliskope will giv such a view as that of the Union." So I sot down and took out my jack nife, and went to work takin it all apart. I found the box all rite; there warnt enything in the tube, and I was puzzlin myself what could be the matter, when I slipped up the magnifying glass, and rite back of it was a little bit of a paper nigger, black as the ace of spades, that that feller Seward had cunninly slipped in there! You see that at once ackounted for the hull troubbel, for the magnifin glass reflected the nigger instead of what it would, naterally, the white man. After I took the nigger out, it was all rite agin, and wen Linkin looked thru it, he was perfectly astonished. "Now," ses I, "Kernel, you see that it is tryin to put the nigger where he don't belong that is the cause of all our trubbel. He don't belong in the Constitushin, and when we undertake to put him ther it won't work. This trick of Seward's jest shows you what he's up to. Now, Kernel, I'm going to start for Downingville arly to-morrow mornin, and I'll leave you this Teliskope so you can take a look at the Union as it was, and don't you let Seward or Sumner, or any of them fellers, get hold of it. Wen you get puzzled, jest go and look thru that, and you may depend upon it it will lead you strate. If you get inter eny deep troubbel, write me and I'll give you my advice, or ef you can't get along without me, I'll come back after the Fourth is over, and stay with you till you get out of this scrape with the rebils. I told you I would stick to you, and I will." So I bid good bye to the Kernel and his wife that nite, reddy to start in the early train in the mornin.
I intend to give you a full ackount of the celebrashin of the Fourth at Downingville. Insine Stebbins, of the Downingville Insensibles, who writ the piece of poetry on Mrs. Linkin's ball, and who was wounded at Chickenhominy and cum hum with a furlong, is to be orater of the occashin. Jerusha Matilda Jenkins, the darter of Deacon Jenkins, and who went down to Port Roile to teech the contrarybands their primers, will also be there. The Insine is a very smart chap, ef he is a niggerite, and I expect he'll do himself creditable.
Excuse this long letter, and beleeve me