“When you are chid before company, it often happens that some stranger will have the good-nature to drop a word in your excuse;—in such a case you will have a good title to justify yourself, and may rightly conclude, that, whenever he chides you afterwards, on other occasions, he may be in the wrong; in which opinion you will be the better confirmed by stating the case to your fellow-servants in your own way, who will certainly decide in your favour;—therefore, as I have said before, whenever you are chidden, complain as if you were injured.
“It often happens, that servants sent on messages are apt to stay out somewhat longer than the message requires, perhaps two, four, six, or eight hours, or some such trifle; for the temptation to be sure was great, and flesh and blood cannot always resist: when you return, the master storms, the lady scolds; stripping, cudgelling, and turning off, is the word. But here you ought to be provided with a set of excuses, enough to serve on all occasions: for instance, your uncle came fourscore miles to town this morning on purpose to see you, and goes back by break of day to-morrow:—a brother servant that borrowed money of you when he was out of place, was running to Ireland:—you were taking leave of an old fellow-servant, who was shipping for Barbadoes:—your father sent a cow to you to sell, and you could not get a chapman for her till nine at night:—you wrenched your foot against a stone, and were forced to stay three hours in a shop, before you could stir a step:—a bailiff, by mistake, seized you for a debtor, and kept you the whole evening in a spunging house, &c. &c.
“Take all tradesmen’s parts against your master; and when you are sent to buy anything, never offer to cheapen it, but generously pay the full demand. This is highly to your master’s honour; and may be some shillings in your pocket; and you are to consider, if your master has paid too much, he can better afford the loss than a poor tradesman.
“Never submit to stir a finger in any business, but that for which you were particularly hired. For example, if the groom be drunk, or absent, and the butler be ordered to shut the stable-door, the answer is ready, An’t please your honour, I don’t understand horses. If a corner of the hangings wants a single nail to fasten it, and the footman be directed to tack it up, he may say, he doth not understand that sort of work, but his honour may send for the upholsterer.
“Masters and ladies are usually quarrelling with the servants for not shutting the doors after them: for neither masters nor ladies consider, that those doors must be open before they can be shut, and the labour is double to open and shut them; therefore the best, the shortest, and the easiest way is to do neither. But if you are so often teazed to shut the door, that you cannot easily forget; then give the door such a clap as you go out, as will shake the whole room, and make every thing rattle in it, to put your master and lady in mind that you observe their directions.
“If you find yourself to grow in favour with your master or lady, take some opportunity in a very mild way to give them warning; and when they ask the reason, and seem loth to part with you, answer that you would rather live with them than any body else, but a poor servant is not to be blamed if he strives to better himself;—that service is no inheritance,—that your work is great, and your wages very small. Upon which, if your master hath any generosity, he will add five or ten shillings a quarter rather than let you go: but if you are baulked, and have no mind to go off, get some fellow-servant to tell your master, that he hath prevailed upon you to stay.
“Whatever tid bits you can pilfer in the day, save them to juncket with your fellow-servants at night, and take in the butler, provided he will give you drink.
“Write your own name, and your sweet-heart’s, with the smoke of a candle, on the ceiling of the kitchen, or the servants’-hall, to shew your learning.
“If you are a young sightly fellow, whenever you whisper your young mistress at tea-table, run your nose full in her cheek; or, if your breath be good, breath full in her face; this I have known to have had very good consequences in some families.
“Never come till you have been called three or four times, for none but dogs will come at the first whistle: and when the master calls, Who’s there? no servant is bound to come; for Who’s there is nobody’s name.