“When you have broken all your earthen drinking-vessels below stairs (which is usually done in a week), the copper pot will do as well; it can boil milk, heat porridge, hold small beer, or, in case of necessity, serve other purposes; therefore apply it indifferently to all these uses; but never wash or scour it, for fear of taking off the tin.
“Let it be a constant rule, that no chair, stool, or table, in the servants’-hall, or the kitchen, shall have above three legs, which hath been the ancient and constant practice in all the families I ever knew, and is said to be founded upon two reasons; first, to shew that servants are ever in a tottering condition; secondly, it was thought a point of humility, that the servants’ chairs and tables should have at least one leg fewer than those of their masters. I grant there hath been an exception to this rule with regard to the cook, who by old custom was allowed an easy chair to sleep in after dinner; and yet I have seldom seen them with above three legs. Now this epidemical lameness of servants’ chairs is by philosophers imputed to two causes, which are observed to make the greatest revolutions in states and empires; I mean, love and war. A stool, a chair, or a table, is the first weapon taken up in a general romping or skirmish; and after a peace, the chairs are apt to suffer in the conduct of an amour, the cook being usually fat and heavy, and the butler a little in drink.
“When you stop to tattle with some crony servant, in the same street, leave your own street-door open, that you may get in without knocking when you come back; otherwise your mistress may know you are gone out, and you may be chidden.
“I do most earnestly exhort you all to unanimity and concord: but mistake me not: you may quarrel with each other as much as you please; only always bear in mind, that you have a common enemy, which is your master and lady, and you have a common cause to defend. Believe an old practitioner; whoever, out of malice to a fellow-servant, carries a tale to his master, will be ruined by a general confederacy against him.
“The general place for rendezvous for all the servants, both in winter and summer, is the kitchen: there the grand affairs of the family ought to be consulted; whether they concern the stable, the dairy, the pantry, the laundry, the cellar, the nursery, the dining-room, or my lady’s chamber: there, as in your own proper element, you can laugh, and squall, and romp in full security.
“When any servant comes home drunk, and cannot appear, you must all join in telling your master, that he is gone to bed very sick; upon which your lady will be so good-natured as to order some comfortable thing for the poor man, or maid.
“When your master and lady go abroad together, to dinner, or on a visit for the evening, you need leave only one servant in the house, or even one black-guard boy to answer at the door, and attend the children, if there be any. Who is to stay at home is to be determined by long and short cuts; and the stayer at home may be comforted by a visit from a sweet-heart, without danger of being caught together. These opportunities must never be missed, because they come but seldom, and all is safe enough while there is a servant in the house.
“When your master or lady comes home, and wants a servant who happens to be abroad, your answer must be, that he had but just that minute stept out, being sent for by a cousin who was dying.
“If your master calls you by name, and you happen to answer at the fourth call, you need not hurry yourself; and if you be chidden for staying, you may lawfully say, you came no sooner, because you did not know what you were called for.
“When you are chidden for a fault, as you go out of the room, and down stairs, mutter loud enough to be plainly heard; this will make him believe you are innocent.