“Well, the old fool of a captain really thought he was Henry the Eighth, and he did everything that Shauno told him, until they reached Sperrispazuka.
“And when the mosques and the turrets of the city hove in sight and the ship once more lay at anchor, Shauno trod the deck with pride and ses to the Captain: ‘Captain,’ ses he, ‘allow me to compliment you on this marvellous achievement. I never before made the journey in such a short space of time, and in honour of the event I will make you a present of two-and-sixpence and make you a Knight of Columbus besides. But before I will take my leave of yourself and the ship, I want a royal salute of twenty-one guns to be fired and burst every pane of glass in the town beyond with the noise. A shout is better than a whisper if you want to be heard, and we all get more by asking for what we want than by remaining silent.’
“‘Anyhow,’ ses he, ‘half the world is living on its wits, or by bluff, if you will, and the other half enjoys itself, so to speak, at the expense of inequality, non-fraternity, and suppression of the people’s rights. Yet for all that, most of the well-fed and superfine humbugs we meet every day seem to be as happy and contented as if they deserved to be. And all you have got to do to convince yourself that the wisdom of man has not interfered with the extravagance of women is to look at the way they dress, or look at your bank book at the end of the year if you are married. But be all that as it may, I think that I have said enough, for talk is always cheap, and ’tis doubtful if anything that’s cheap or given away for nothing is ever appreciated by the discerning or the undiscerning.’
“‘And now,’ ses he, ‘as I have but a few more words to say, I would advise you, one and all, to be decent to each other while you can, because a time will come when you can’t. And ’tis better to do a foolish thing now than to be sorry for not doing it later. On the other hand, ’tis a wise policy to refuse anything you may be offered for nothing, because a compliment bestowed is always like a millstone around a man’s neck. Independence, of course, is a fine thing, but it is always purchased at too high a price. And a state of independence is only acquired by either cheating yourself or some one else.
“‘But nevertheless,’ ses he, ‘the man who always thinks of himself first is the last to be neglected. And the man who don’t hold his tongue when he has nothing to say is nearly sure to make a fool of himself. Howsomever, the time is now come for me to make my departure. So let loose the guns,’ ses he, ‘and fire the Royal Salute.’
“And lo and behold! the Captain obeyed his orders, and such noise was never before heard in the harbour of Sperrispazuka. And when silence was resumed Shauno whispered to the Captain and ses: ‘I’m going to sojourn here for a month or two, and I’ll send a telegram to you to call for me when I am ready to return.’ So with that they shook hands and parted.
“And when the ship sailed away, Shauno went ashore and walked around the town until he found a menagerie. Then he hired a complement of one hundred elephants, and numerous pages and attendants, flags, banners, caravans, and the devil knows what.”
“And what did he want the elephants for?” said Micus.
“He was going to visit the Shah,” said Padna, “and he wanted to make a good impression. And when all the elephants were placed one after another in a line, he took the place of honour himself on the back of the first and largest of the great brutes. And as the procession passed on its way through the town to the Shah’s country home, the House of Ten Thousand Windows, everybody—men, women, and children alike—stopped in the streets and took off their hats, thinking that Shauno was the King of England, and he was beginning to think so too, or at least that he was as great an old bla’guard as Henry himself. But when he arrived at the castle gates and found the Shah sitting on his tombstone feeding the pigeons, he was sorely disappointed, because he expected a royal escort to meet him outside the courtyard.
“The Shah was kind of startled when he saw Shauno and his staff, and nearly lost his temper and ses: ‘Who in the name of the few decent people that a man meets in the course of a lifetime, are you? And who the devil owns these Irish terriers?’ ses he, as he pointed to the elephants.