Nothing is more difficult, and perhaps it is utterly impossible to give a clear and correct account and explanation of the motives, causes, and intentions, which originated every single event and action in a situation such as mine was at court. This has been demanded of me, however, and I have explained myself to the royal commission in my answers to the questions laid before me for this purpose in such a way as the nature of things permitted. But it is very possible that now and again obscurities, mistakes, and probably apparent contradictions, may have crept in. For this I hope to compensate by a conscientious statement of the motives, opportunities, and causes, that produced the events in which I took part, or which I alone occasioned, and I will run the risk of my narrative either serving as my apology, or rendering me even more criminal.
For this object, I must show in what manner I acquired the credit which established my former fortune, how I behaved under it, and to what purpose I employed it.
I must confess that an indefatigable activity, the most accurate attention, and the most careful use of the opportunities and advantages which offered themselves to me, or which I obtained by my own efforts, contributed more to my fortune than mere accident did. Still, what is commonly called fortune was not the chief object of my desire, or at least I regarded it as a more remote consequence. I had chosen a path by which to attain fortune, but was determined sooner to let it slip than to employ improper means in acquiring it.
A desire to be useful, and to perform actions which might have a wide-spread influence on the welfare of the society in which I lived, alone occupied my mind. My residence at Altona offered me but little opportunity for this, and my friends at that day, among whom Counts Rantzau-Ascheberg, Brandt, and Holck, were the most effective, at length succeeded in removing me to a wider scene of action.
Although some of these friends fancied they could detect in me abilities which rendered me fitted for other enterprises than those for which a physician has a vocation, still I felt so great a liking for my profession that I should have permanently restricted myself to it, had not other circumstances eventually called me away from it.
With this opinion I came to court, and I found it the more necessary to confirm myself in it, when I saw that everybody at court entertained suspicions, even if not prejudices, against me.
During the king's foreign tour I employed myself with nothing, and turned my attention to nothing, but matters concerning the state of the king's health, and as his Majesty frequently gave me opportunities to be in his presence, I tried, as far as was possible, to render myself useful by reading and conversation. Politics were entirely excluded, and if anything of the sort arose it was remote, and without the slightest reference to the posture of affairs at that day. At that time I was quite ignorant of them; I restricted myself to what I had before me, and even avoided acquiring information from the king, or other persons. I broke off my correspondence with my friends, or it concerned merely unimportant things. Everything that I did had reference to the person of the king, and among such I reckon that during the tour I frequently opposed Count Holck, and contradicted him in things which I considered wrong, or which had an influence on the king's person. But my only object was to weaken the count's excessive power over the will of the king by encouraging his Majesty to pay attention to himself, to think and reflect about what would most enhance his welfare, without blindly trusting to the advice of others. However, I did not attempt to injure Count Holck personally, although a very convenient opportunity presented itself in Paris, when the king was very angry with the count, when Count Brandt came to Paris without my knowledge, and various other circumstances at the time spoke against Count Holck.
It is easy to see how little adapted this conduct was to make a fortune. Nor did I even use the favourable opportunity I had during the tour either to ask or obtain anything to my advantage personally from the king, or through other persons; and I only owe it to the kindness of Privy Councillors von Bernstorff and von Schimmelmann that I followed the king to Copenhagen with a salary of 1,000 dollars, and received a gratification of 500 dollars for the journey.
1769. My mode of acting, and the objects of my attention were, during the first six months after the king's return, the same as on the tour. I had attached myself exclusively to his Majesty's person, and took an interest in nothing that did not immediately affect it. I merely employed the influence which the king's confidence gave me over his mind, in drawing his attention to his real benefit, in arousing a pleasure in occupation, and in giving a certain regular course to his mode of living.