What a Young Husband Ought to Know

by Sylvanus Stall

The greatest happiness in married life can never be obtained except by the observance of marital moderation. Just what is moderation in the exercise of the reproductive function in married life it would be very difficult to determine and define. What might be moderation for one man, or for one woman, might be the most extravagant excess for another. The husband may feel inclined to grant himself such indulgence as would entitle him to be regarded as considerate and as within the bounds of moderation when considered in relation to himself personally, and yet the privileges which he grants himself might be most immoderate and most ruinous for his wife; or in some instances the reverse might be the case—indulgence which might be moderate for his wife might be most excessive for him. No husband or wife can determine what is moderation in their own personal instance until they have duly considered the obligation which they are under to the other, and the effect of the relation, not simply upon himself or herself, but upon the other as well. The principle which must govern every husband or wife who desires to be moderate in the marital relation, is, not to seek to grant themselves the utmost indulgence which will enable them to abide within the limits of individual safety only, but so persistently to exercise the spirit of self-control and self-mastery, that they may attain to those best results which are only possible to those who do not call the reproductive function into exercise at too frequent intervals. No man or woman who exercises the reproductive function upon the return of every slight inclination can realize that greatest pleasure and satisfaction which are always possible, but so seldom experienced. The wise husband and the wise wife will not seek that utmost indulgence which brings them to the limit of endurance, but will constantly desire to be governed by such restraint and moderation as will secure for them the most blessed results. To say nothing of morality, intelligence and culture have their province in the exercise of the privileges which are possible to married people. The reproductive sense, like the sense of hunger, or any other sense, is to be brought under the dominion of intelligence and refinement. In the government of our other senses there are laws which no intelligent man will be willing to violate. He will not eat the first food upon which he chances to come, simply because he is hungry. He requires that it shall be of the proper kind, and properly prepared. The worm will seize upon its food regardless of its character, and without any reference to other considerations than that of satisfying its own inclination. Wild beasts will contend over a bone, but man is lifted by intelligence to a higher realm. His food must be of a proper kind, it must be properly prepared, and is to be eaten at appointed intervals. He will not eat that which belongs to another. He desires his food served with proper regard to cleanliness and esthetic taste. He beautifies his table, makes his eating the occasion of social fellowship, takes into consideration the wants and needs of others. If we thus regulate the appetite, why should we not, as intelligent beings, regulate the exercise of the reproductive sense? Why should we yield, like animals, to the first inclination? Why should we despoil ourselves or our companion of the God-given sense of modesty? Why should we be willing to indulge ourselves to such an extent as to injure the one individual whom we love and prize above all others upon earth? Let reason, refinement and the moral sense have their proper sway in the exercise of the reproductive function and the sexual instinct, the same as in the exercise of our other senses.

In a chapter entitled "Rules for Married Persons; or, Matrimonial Chastity," Jeremy Taylor gives the following advice: "In their permissions and license the husband and wife must be sure to observe the order of nature and the ends of God. He is an ill husband that uses his wife as a man treats a harlot, having no other end but pleasure. Concerning which our best rule is that although in this, as in eating and drinking, there is an appetite to be satisfied, which cannot be done without pleasing that desire; yet, since that desire and satisfaction were intended by nature for other ends, they should never be separated from those ends, but always be joined with all or one of these ends: with the desire for children; to avoid fornication; or to lighten and ease the cares and sadness of household affairs; or to endear each other; but never with a purpose, either in act or desire, to separate the sensuality from these ends which hallow it."

It is well also to know what the women have to say upon this subject. Mrs. E. B. Duffey, in her excellent little book, entitled "What Women Should Know," says: "One is often led to wonder if a large class of men are not simply brutes, in all that concerns the physical relations of marriage. Women do not readily make confidential complaints to other women against their husbands. So that when a word—an incomplete sentence smothered before it is fully uttered—is spoken, it must be wrung from the lips by extreme marital brutality. That many women so suffer at the hands of husbands, brutal in this respect, though kind in all others, does not admit of doubt. Disinclination, weariness, ill health, none of these things will excuse a woman from participation in the marital act when her husband's inclinations lead him to require it of her. Strange that, while the law recognizes rape as a crime punishable by severe penalties, there is no recognition whatever of a married woman's right to a control over her own person. I do not know that the most brutal conduct in this respect, if there was no other reason for complaint, would be considered by the courts as a sufficient cause for divorce. Yet any one can readily imagine that it is possible for a man of strong sensual nature, who places no curb upon his appetite, to render the life of the delicate, pure-minded woman, intolerable to the last degree. As mutual affection is the heavenly bond of marriage, so mutual pleasure should also sanction its earthly bond. Love should be prepared to give as well as to receive—to be self-denying when self-denial is required of it. I cannot believe that a wife who sees her husband thus considerate will be unreasonable in her refusal."

But the anxious and honest inquirer still asks, How often may I indulge myself? No general answer can be given to this question. Due reference must always be had to the individual who asks it, and wise counsel would not be possible unless every consideration of the physical condition and health of the wife were allowed their proper place in the solution of the question. What might be moderation for one might be the most destructive excess for another. Some men are strong, have great powers of endurance, and do not know that they have a nerve in their body. Others are very delicate, nervous and dyspeptic. Some physicians are inclined to limit the relation to once a month; upon the other hand, all who have given attention to this subject have learned of instances of excess which do not fall at all short of conjugal debauchery. It might be said that no man of average health, physical power and intellectual acumen can exceed the bounds of once a week without at least being in danger of having entered upon a life of excess both for himself and for his wife.

Each young husband must determine for himself and his wife when they have reached the limit of moderation, and their greatest happiness, physically, intellectually and maritally, will be secured when they have erred upon the side of moderation rather than upon the side of excess. Do not wait until you have the pronounced effects of backache, lassitude, giddiness, dimness of sight, noises in the ears, numbness of fingers and paralysis. Note your own condition the next day very carefully. If you observe a lack of normal, physical power, a loss of intellectual quickness or mental grip, if you are sensitive and irritable, if you are less kind and considerate of your wife, if you are morose and less companionable, or in any way fall below your best standard of excellence, it would be well for you to think seriously and proceed cautiously.

Nor should your observation and study only have reference to yourself. Note carefully the physical, mental and social condition of your wife the day following. You are not only to be the conservator of your own strength, but her protector as well. When you pass the limit of the greatest safety, either for yourself or your wife, you are likely to sacrifice both safety and happiness. Another says: "Even taking the low and sordid ground of selfishly getting the most out of this life, it is wise to abide by temperance and duty in the marital relation, for thus, and only thus, may we derive the most possible satisfaction from it. We may drink the nectar as we will; nature lets us hold the cup, but she mixes it herself; if we drink too deeply she adds water, then gall, and finally, it may be, deadly poison."

Sexual excess is one of the most destructive forms of intemperance, degrading alike the body, mind and morals. We have heard of men who have called the reproductive organs into very frequent exercise, but they have always been men who were noted for nothing except their passion. Everything they eat and drink seems devoted to the maintenance of their sexual nature. They may have enjoyed intellectual advantages, and some of them may even be enrolled as professional men, but every other faculty is dwarfed and weakened that they may foster and fatten their passions. They are eminent in nothing, save as samples of beastliness. Why allow a single passion, the controlling organ of which lies at the very bottom and lowest part of the brain, to usurp and control the entire man, dominate over every other faculty, and render the physical, intellectual and moral faculties and religious sentiments only attendants and slaves!

No thoughtful or considerate husband can afford to disrespect the wishes of his wife. He should reverently consider her inclination as well as his own desire. Throughout the entire range of animal life the condition and inclination of the female fixes and determines the approaches of her mate. Woman is the only female whose condition is disregarded, whose wishes are ignored, whose rights are trampled under foot, and sometimes even denied any right over her own body. Where a woman is in health, and is the loving, devoted wife which she should be, there is not much danger that she will be too strict with the idol of her heart. And, save in exceptional cases, there is but little danger that the wife will be too lenient with her husband. If the wrongs which wives suffer because of the unbridled passions of inconsiderate husbands were publicly known, every virtuous and pure-minded man and woman would be inclined to take up arms for the mitigation of woman's wrongs, and the liberation of this great army of slaves who suffer in silence the servitude from which they have no hope of deliverance except by death.

If you wish to attain your greatest usefulness in life, avoid the undue use of foods which are calculated to stimulate the reproductive nature. Use eggs and oysters, pepper and condiments with reasonable moderation. Do not simulate impure thinking by theatre-going, the reading of salacious books, participation in the round dance, the presence of nude statuary and suggestive pictures; avoid such bodily exposure and postures as mar the modesty of both man and woman; keep reasonable and regular hours, and remember that all these things tend only to enervate and exhaust your wife and to rob and wrong you of the best there is in store for you.

Marital moderation is most easily secured and maintained where married persons occupy separate beds; and, indeed, in many instances such conditions exist as render separate rooms not only desirable, but essential. Mrs. E. B. Duffey, a good and reliable authority on this and related subjects, says: "If the husband cannot properly control his amorous propensities they had better by all means occupy separate beds and different apartments, with a lock on the communicating door, the key in the wife's possession."