There is no more universal fallacy than the firmly-rooted prejudice that finds a comment in the old tag that "Everybody's goose is a swan." How impregnably established is this conviction in the parental mind—when in contemplation of the capacity of its wonderful offspring—only teachers know. Eternal are the complaints that whilst Jimmy Miggs has been promoted to the Third Standard "Our Willie" remains in the Second! And brilliant is the diplomacy that is needed to make the situation parentally endurable. Then there is the irate parent, the sacred person of whose immaculate hopeful has been gently touched with the discriminating hand of discreet personal chastisement. Ah me! What havoc such an one can work with the calm serenity of the schoolroom. Strangely enough, it is amongst the thriftless and self-indulgent minority of working classes—those who shockingly neglect and ill-treat their children themselves—that the teacher finds the greatest trouble in this matter of objection even to the most moderate and wisely-administered corporal punishment.
For myself, I hit upon an excellent expedient when the peace of the school was suddenly ravished by the sudden and unbidden entrance of some angry "mother." With great suavity I offered her a chair and considerately pressed her into it. If she could be induced to rehearse her complaints whilst still sitting down the fires of her fury would soon flicker out. Indeed, I have never yet met an angry woman in any walk of life who could sufficiently express her feelings whilst sitting down. Verb. sap.
The parental "Note" is often very amusing, sometimes abusive, and occasionally clever and caustic. Excuses for absence, which involve a reference to ailments with rather unspellable names are, naturally enough, badly boggled. Rheumatism, Neuralgia, Influenza, Lumbago, Inflammation, Diarrhœa—what tribulation these half-dozen words represent to be sure! And what excruciating distortions the parental note bears upon its usually rough and crumpled face. I remember neuralgia once being rendered "real raw jaw," which is not so far out after all! "Very bad with New Roger" is not so near a shot. I also recall a note of excuse that informed the teacher that Charlie couldn't come to school "because he has got haricot veins!" This is as curious as "In bed with Piper's Dance!" I have seen a "note," too, which speaks of Mary being "down with an illustrated throat, with glaciers on both sides!" And, finally, there was once the alarming case of Alfred, who had "gone to the hospital to have some aneroids taken from his nose." But let a few of these little missives speak for themselves:—
A Novel Mode of Travelling.—The following excuse for lateness from a Dover parent is very appropriate to a seaside town: "Dear miss, please excuse mary being late as she as been out on a herring."
Money Market Down.—Here is a verbatim copy of a note received: "Tom is not fit to come to school yet, as doctor Blight said I have to tell you as they have Inflamation in the Consols. John and Harry."
One for the Teachers.—The following note is from an irate parent: "Willie —— was absent From school this morning because Is mother is at market and I have no one here to do anything as you Do know I have Told you before know kindly state the Reason That you and all of The Teachers was absent from school for a month without asking our leave. Mr. A."