NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Chief Presiding Referendunce of the Federated Court of Progress of the World. Sitting up, opening one eye and gazing about.) Indeed! You say, do you? Well, let them enter! (He collapses again.)
SHISHMASH HASH HASH
(Spinning away to the stage entrance, at which the representatives of the various forces of Progress are waiting in parade array.) Are you ready? Are you ready? (A shout goes up. He lifts both hands, and pirouetting gracefully backward toward the Musnud is followed by the 1st, 316th, 3727th, 4728th, 6914th and 7178th Divisions of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Watch and Ward and Library Protection Association Guards, King’s Daughters, Sabbath Day Exclusivists, Seventh Day Adventists, and Holy Rollers in close formation. They are all in Empire Nicollet silk, striped with blue bombazine, ruched at neck and feet, and carry immense banners of green and yellow on which are pictured barred library doors, sealed books, bonfires of questionable or lewd books, and padlocked library safes. They are preceded by and interlarded with silver and gold harp bands in great numbers, as well as a small exhibition corps of Anti-Lewd Book Examiners, carefully examining lewd books after the manner of the years A. D. 1885-1921. These last carry large red, yellow and green-blue pencils and wear horn glasses the size of saucers. They read, blush, and blue-pencil as they come. They are preceded by cage-cars containing [one each] Ossified Specimens of Ancient Lewd Novelist, Playwright and Poet. They pause and stand at attention before the Musnud, giving first an exhibition of lewd-book editing, then the Free and Accepted and Descendant yell, “Anti-Vice! Anti-Vice! Boy Scouts Forever!” after which they clog and whistle.)
NOXUS PODUNKUS
(Scratching one ear and blinking his one open eye, the while the five thousand Nizys distribute souffle and the audience cheers vociferously.) Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Watch and Ward Guards, King’s Daughters, Sabbath Day Adventists, Holy Rollers (whispers to a Dizzard, “Did I get them all right?”)—we have, as you know, as President and Referendunces of this great Court, founded so long ago by our worthy predecessor, Mush Mush I, a certain duty to perform, and that is the asking of our regular prepared and revered and revised Sacred Questions, the answers to which, given as we all know you will give them, constitute in themselves at once a record and a testimony to the wisdom, perfection, peace and plenty to which our vast Federated Republics and Peoples the world over have at last arrived. (Great applause lasting one hour, during which transcripts of the proceedings and speech thus far are wirelessed by the Fuddys to all parts of the world.) Once, as you well know and as we are sorry to remember, there existed a certain amount of vice and crime in the world (vast and prolonged boo-ing and cat-calling)—less and less, we will admit, as the forces of righteousness and order such as we represent here to-day gained momentum (a second burst of applause lasting one hour, during which this portion of the speech is wirelessed. The Zadkiels breathe heavily), but plentiful enough—plentiful enough, I am glad to say—Souffle! Souffle! (he sighs and is fed)—as well as a tendency, disobedient in the extreme, to investigate and study and doubt everything, from stars to ant-hills, and even to make light of the revealed and divine facts of Nature, which as we all know are irrefutable and not to be questioned and to which our hearts are always and only our best guides. (Enormous applause, lasting thirty minutes.) Fortunately for us now, however, and happily, and owing, as I may say, to the benign activities of those noble workers in the cause of righteousness, Mush Mush I, Bonehead V, and Dish Rag III, who flourished A. D. 1970-2061 in America and elsewhere, the virtues of sobriety, justice, truth, mercy, industry and the like were, as we all well know, firmly and finally established. (Tremendous applause, lasting one hundred and eight minutes, during which seven hundred wash-boilers of souffle are consumed. Wireless messages are sent to all parts.) Thanks to them and their beneficent efforts, we do not attempt to investigate any more. (Prolonged cheering.) We do not seek to reason any more. (Immense cheering, lasting two hours.) Man, as you all well know, has seen the line of his duty and has followed it closely. (More cat-calling.) With the greatest care we have been able to eliminate not only those besetting vices which scarred the face of man with their hideous thoughts, but also those equally great vices of curiosity and speculation in regard to chemistry, philosophy, physics, astronomy, sociology, political economy, those low and evil so-called sciences which once so disturbed and irritated and afflicted the human mind. (A burst of applause, lasting forty-three minutes.) They have been done for, and instead we have strictly and sensibly confined ourselves, I am happy to state, to those more acceptable evidences of our place in Nature and our duties, as revealed by those renowned and profound teachers and thinkers, our noble and revered ancestors, Billy Sunday the Great, he of blessed memory (applause, lasting one hour)—Ralph Waldensicuss Trinecuss of Boston (applause, lasting fifty minutes)—Arise-and-Sweat Marden (applause, lasting forty minutes)—Erbert Goughman (applause, lasting thirty minutes)—Philip Dugmore Potts (applause, lasting twenty minutes)—and Edith Whiller Nox Nox (applause, lasting ten minutes)—revealers and thinkers all, the true forerunners and prophets of our present peaceful and happy state. (Prolonged applause, enduring over seven-hundred minutes, during which NOXUS and the Moonshees snore and the two thousand Loobies and Gaberlunzies read long and refreshing passages from the works of the individuals mentioned. The Fuddys sizz at their task.)
THE ONE HUNDRED HODDY-DODDYS
(As the applause subsides, feathering the face of the Moonshees.) Awake, your Referendunces, awake! (They pole-vault in front of the Musnud.)
THE FIFTY DIZZARDS
(Whistling between their teeth and striking with their feather clubs.) Oh, your Very Great Referendunces! Oh! Come to! Come to! (They chatter and clog.)