The only reply on the part of Juniper was an explosion of laughter, which seemed as if it would tear him in pieces. One outburst of merriment followed another, till he was obliged to lean against a tree for support. Frank became quite angry.
“What do you mean by making such an abominable fool of yourself;” he cried.
“Oh dear, oh dear,” laughed Graves, the tears running over in the extremity of his real or pretended amusement, “you must pardon me, sir; indeed, you must. I really couldn’t help it; it did put me so in mind of Jerry Ogden, the Methodist parson. Mr Frank and his servant Juniper, two whining, methodistical, parsimonious teetotallers! oh dear, it was rich.” And here he relapsed into another explosion.
“Methodist parson! I really don’t know what you mean, sir,” cried Frank, beginning to get fairly exasperated. “You seem to me quite to forget yourself. If you don’t know better manners, the sooner you take yourself off the better.”
“Oh, sir, I’m very sorry, but really you must excuse me; it did seem so very comical. You a total abstainer, Mr Frank, and me a-coming arter you. I think I sees you a-telling James to put the water on the table, and then you says, ‘The water stands with you, Colonel Coleman.’”
“Don’t talk so absurdly,” said Frank, amused in spite of himself at the idea of the water-party, with himself for the host. “And what has my becoming a total abstainer to do with Jerry What-do-you-call-him, the Methodist parson?”
“Oh, just this, sir. Jerry Ogden’s one of those long-faced gentlemen as turns up their eyes and their noses at us poor miserable sinners as takes a little beer to our dinners. Ah! to hear him talk you’d have fancied he was too good to breathe in the same altitude with such as me. Such lots of good advice he has for us heathens, such sighing and groaning over us poor deluded drinkers of allegorical liquors. Ah! but he’s a tidy little cask of his own hid snug out of the way. It’s just the case with them all.”
“I’m really much obliged to you,” said his master, laughing, “for comparing me to Jerry Ogden. He seems, from your account, to have been a regular hypocrite; but that does not show that total abstinence is not a good thing when people take it up honestly.”
“Bless your simplicity, sir,” said the other; “they’re all pretty much alike.”
“Now there, Juniper, I know you are wrong. Mr Oliphant has many men in his society who are thoroughly honest teetotallers, men who are truly reformed, and, more than that, thorough christians.”