“Reformed! Christians!” sneered Juniper, venomously; “a pretty likely thing indeed. You don’t know them teetotallers as well as I do, sir. ‘Oh dear, no; not a drop, not a drop: wouldn’t touch it for the world.’ But they manage to have it on the sly for all that. I’ve no faith in ’em at all. I’d rather be as I am, though I says it as shouldn’t say it, an honest fellow as gets drunk now and then, and ain’t ashamed to own it, than one of your canting teetotallers. Why, they’re such an amphibious set, there’s no knowing where to have them.”
“Amphibious?” said his master, laughing; “why, I should have thought ‘aquatic’ would have been a better word, as they profess to confine themselves to the water; unless you mean, indeed, that they are only half water animals.”
“Oh, sir,” said Graves, rather huffed, “it was only a phraseology of mine, meaning that there was no dependence to be placed on ’em.”
“Well but, Juniper, I am not speaking of hypocrites or sham teetotallers, but of the real ones. There’s Mr Oliphant and the whole family at the rectory, you’ll not pretend, I suppose, that they drink on the sly?”
“I wouldn’t by no means answer for that,” was the reply; “that depends on circumstantials. There’s many sorts of drinks as we poor ignorant creatures calls intoxicating which is quite the thing with your tip-top teetotallers. There’s champagne, that’s quite strict teetotal; then there’s cider, then there’s cherry-brandy; and if that don’t do, then there’s teetotal physic.”
“Teetotal physic! I don’t understand you.”
“Don’t you, sir? that’s like your innocence. Why, it’s just this way. There’s a lady teetotaller, and she’s a little out of sorts; so she sends a note to the doctor, and he sends back a nice bottle of stuff. It’s uncommon good and spirituous-like to smell at, but then it’s medicine, only the drugs ain’t down in what the chemists call their ‘Farming-up-here.’”
“I never heard of that before,” remarked Frank.
“No, I don’t suppose, sir, as ever you did. And then there’s the teetotal gents; they does it much more free and easy. They’ve got what the Catholics calls a ‘dispensary’ from their Pope, (and their Pope’s the doctor), to take just whatever they likes as a medicine—oh, only as a medicine; so they carries about with ’em a doctor’s superscription, which says just this: ‘Let the patient take as much beer, or wine, or spirits, as he can swallow.’”
“A pretty picture you have drawn,” laughed Frank. “I’m afraid there’s not much chance of making you an abstainer.”