By the direction of my worthy friend, Mr. Nokes, who liberally supply’d me with money to carry on this affair, I took a spacious house in the great Piazza here, then empty by the death of one of the most eminent physicians of this famous city. This you must own to me, gentlemen, was as favourable a step at my first setting out, as a man could possibly wish; for you cannot be ignorant how many sorry brothers of the faculty in London keep their coaches, and wriggle themselves into business, with no other merit to recommend them, than that of dwelling in the same house where a celebrated doctor lived before them. For this reason, I suppose, it was, (if you can pardon so short a digression) that the popes came to monopolize the ecclesiastical practice of the western world to themselves, by succeeding so great a bishop as St. Peter. So much is the world govern’d by appearances, and so apt to be cheated, as if knowledge and learning were bequeath’d to one house or place; and like a piece of common furniture, went to the next inhabiter.
But to dismiss this speculation, which perhaps may seem somewhat odd, from a man of my merry character; having provided my house with every thing convenient, adorn’d my hall with the pictures of Galen, Hippocrates, Albumazar, and Paracelsus; cramm’d my library with a vast collection of books, in all arts and languages, (tho’ under the rose be it spoken, my worthy friends, your humble servant does not understand a syllable of them) furnish’d it with a pair of globes curiously painted, with the exuviæ of two or three East-India animals, a rattlesnake and a crocodile; and set up a fine elaboratory in my court-yard. In short, after having taken care to set off my hall, parlour and study, with all those noble decorations that serve to amuse the multitude, and create strange ideas in them, I order’d a spacious stage to be erected before my own habitation, got my bills ready printed, together with a long catalogue of the cures perform’d by me, during the time of my practising physick in your upper world; and then I broke out with a greater expectation and eclat than any doctor before me was ever known to do.
Three or four weeks before I made my appearance in publick, which, as I told you before, I intended to make with all the magnificence imaginable, Mr. Nokes and I, in conjunction with my brother comedian, Tony Lee, laid our heads together, how to sham me upon the town for a virtuoso, a miracle-monger, and what not. To favour this design, we sent for three or four topping apothecaries to the tavern, gave them a noble collation, and when half a dozen bumpers of wine had got us a free admission into their hearts, we fairly let them into the secret; which was, That they were to trumpet me up in all coffee-houses and places of publick resort in town, for the ablest physician that ever came into these parts; and as one kindness justly challenges another, I for my part was to write bills as tall as the monument, and charge them with the most costly medicines, tho’ they signify’d nothing at all to the patient’s recovery. In short, the bargain was immediately struck up between us; and those worthy gentlemen, I’ll say that for them, have not been wanting to proclaim my extraordinary merits to all their acquaintance.
This was not all; but Mr. Nokes, who was resolv’d at any rate to introduce me into business, coming into one of the best frequented chocolate-houses near the court, (for Brandinopolis, you must know, is a perfect transcript of your wicked city) on a sudden pretends to be troubled with intolerable gripings of the guts; and acted his part so dextrously, that all the company pitied him, and thought he would expire upon the spot. Immediately two or three doctors were sent for; who, after a tedious consultation, at last pitch’d upon a never-failing remedy, as they were pleas’d to call it; which accordingly they apply’d, but without the desired effect. As his pains still continued upon him, What, says he, must I die here for want of help? And is there never another physician to be had for love nor money? With that a certain gentleman, that was posted there for that purpose, Sir, says he, there’s a German doctor lately come here, but for my part, I dare not recommend him to you, for he’s a perfect stranger to us, and no body knows him. Oh, send for him, send for him, cries Mr. Nokes, these German doctors are the finest fellows in the world; who can tell but he may give me present ease? Upon this, a messenger was hurried to me with all expedition: I told him I would come so soon as I had dispatch’d a patient or two; and in a quarter of an hour came thundering to the door in my chariot, and all the way pored upon a little book I carried in my hands; tho’ I must frankly own to you, that a coach is as uncomfortable a place to read, as to consummate in; but, gentlemen, ’tis with us here, as in your world, nothing is to be done without policy and trick: marching into the room with that gravity and solemn countenance, which we physicians know so well to put on upon these occasions, and brushing thro’ a numerous crowd of spectators, who stood there, expecting to see what would be the result of this affair, I found Mr. Nokes in such terrible agonies, that any man would have swore he could not out-live another minute. I felt his pulse, and told him, that by the irregularities of his systole, and unequal vibration of his diastole, I knew as well what ail’d him, as if I had seen him taken to pieces like a watch; and plucking a small chrystal bottle out of my pocket, Sir, says I to him, take some half a score drops of this Anodyne Elixir, and I’ll engage all I am worth in the world, it will immediately relieve you. But, under favour, Sir, to give you some short account of it before you take it, you must understand, Sir, ’tis composed of two costly and sovereign ingredients, which no man, besides myself, dares pretend to. The first, Sir, is the celebrated balsam of Chili, (tho’ by the by, the devil a jot of balsam, comes from that Pagan place) and the second, Sir, that most excellent cephalick, which the mongrelian physicians call, the electrum of Samogitia, gather’d at certain seasons, Sir, upon the shore of the Deucalidonian ocean, by the Ciracassian fishermen. Mr. Nokes listned to this edifying discourse with wonderful attention, then followed my direction; and before you could count twenty, got upon his legs, took a few turns about the room, cut a caper a yard high, and kindly embracing me, doctor, says he, I am more obliged to you, than words are able to express; you have delivered me from the most intolerable pains that ever poor wretch groan’d under: and then presenting me with a purse of guineas, I hope you’ll be pleas’d to accept of this small trifle, till I am in a capacity of making you a better acknowledgment: However, to express in some measure my gratitude to yourself, as likewise to shew my regard for the publick welfare, I will take care to get the extraordinary cure advertised in the Gazette, and other publick papers. I told him he had more than paid me for so inconsiderable a a matter, adding, That I was at his service whenever he or any of his friends would do me the honour to send for me; and so took my leave of him.
This miraculous operation (for so they were pleased to christen it) occasion’d a great deal of talk in the town, very much to my advantage; but what happen’d three days after, perfectly confirm’d all sorts of people, that I was a Non-pareil in my profession, and out-went all that ever pretended to physick before me.
Tony Lee, who, as I told you in my last, keeps a conventicle in this infernal world, and was engag’d as well as my brother Nokes in the confederacy to serve me, took occasion to be surpris’d with apoplectick fits in the beginning of his sermon; he had hardly split and divided his text, according to the usual forms, but his eyes rowl’d in his head, every muscle in his face was distorted; he foam’d at mouth, fumbled with the cushion, over-set the hour-glass, dropp’d his notes and bible upon the clerk’s head, and at last down he sunk as flat as a flounder to the bottom of the pulpit. ’Tis impossible to describe to you what a strange consternation the auditory were in at this calamitous disaster that had befallen their minister: the men stared at one another, as they had been all bewitch’d; and the women set up such a hideous screaming and roaring, that I question whether they would have done so much if a regiment of dragoons had broke into the room to ravish them. The duchess of Mazarine chafed his temples; Mother Stratford (of pious memory) lugg’d a brandy-bottle out of her pocket, and rubb’d his nostrils; but still poor Tony continu’d senseless, and without the least motion. When they found all these means ineffectual, at last the whole congregation unanimously resolv’d to send for me; who, according as it had been agreed before-hand between us, soon brought my holy Levite to his senses again, by applying a few drops of my aforesaid Elixir to his temples. Honest Tony was no sooner recover’d, but I had the thanks of the whole assembly; and a reverend elder in a venerable band, that reach’d from shoulder to shoulder, offer’d me a handsome gratuity for my pains; but I refus’d it, telling him, I look’d upon myself sufficiently rewarded, since I had been the happy (tho’ unworthy) instrument in the hand of providence (and then I turn’d up the whites of my eyes most religiously towards Heaven) to save the life of so precious and powerful a divine.
This pair of miraculous cures flew thro’ every street, alley, and corner of the town, like a train of gun-powder, with more expedition and improvements, than scandal used, in my time, to walk about Whitehall; and as it usually happens, in these cases, lost nothing in the relation. The godly party much magnify’d me for refusing the unrighteous mammon when it was offer’d me; my two trusty apothecaries talk’d of nothing but the prodigies of seignior Hanesio; but my surest cards, the midwives and nurses, when the sack-posset and brandy began to operate in their noddles, thought they could never say enough in my commendation.
Thus, gentlemen, I had abundantly secur’d to myself the reputation of a great physician; and nothing now remain’d, but to make the world believe I was personally acquainted with every star in the firmament, could extort what confessions I pleas’d out of the planets; and was no less skill’d in astrology than in medicine. My never failing friend Tony, was once more pleas’d to give me a lift upon this occasion. As the dissenting ministers (you know) have the privilege to go into the bed-chambers and closets of the ladies that resort to their meetings, without the least offence or scandal, Tony spy’d his opportunity, when the room was clear, rubb’d off with a gold watch, and some lockets of the duchess of Mazarine’s. The things were immediately missing, but who durst suspect a person of the pious Mr. Lee’s character and function? In short, every servant in the family was threatened with the rack; and the whole house, trunks, coffers, boxes, and all examin’d, from the garret down to the cellar. The poor duchess took the loss of her watch and lockets mightily to heart, kept her bed upon it for a fortnight; but at last was perswaded to make her application to my worship. I told her, sur le champ, that her things were safe, that the party who made bold with them, being troubled with compunctions of conscience, had not sold but hid them under such a tree, which I described to her in queen Proserpine’s park; and that if she went thither next morning by break of day, she would find my words true. Accordingly as I predicted, it happened to a tittle (for I had taken care to lodge them there the night before). And now who was the universal subject of people’s discourse, but the famous seignior Giusippe.
So that when the long expected day came, on which I was to make my publick appearance, the streets, windows and balconies, were so cramm’d with spectators of all sorts, that as often as I think on’t, I pity my poor lord-mayor and aldermen with all my heart, that their Cheapside-show shou’d fall so infinitely short of mine. Tom Shadwell, who still keeps up his musical talent in these gloomy territories, began the entertainment with thrumming upon an old broken theorbo, and merry Sir John Falstaff sung to him, and afterwards both of them walk’d upon the slack rope, in a pair of jack-boots, to the admiration of all the beholders. After the mob had been diverted for some time with entertainments of this nature, and, particularly, by some legerdemain tricks of Appollonius Tyanæus, my conjurer, being attended by Dr. Connor, my toad-eater in ordinary, Mr. Lobb, the late presbyterian parson, my corn-cutter; Sir Patient Ward, my merry-andrew, and the famous Mithridates king of Pontus, my orator, I mounted the stage, and bowing on each side me, paid my respects to the noble company, in a most ceremonious manner. I was apparell’d in a black velvet coat, trimm’d with large gold loops of the newest fashion, and buttons as big as ostrich’s eggs; my muff was at least an ell long. I travers’d my stage some half a score times, then cocking my beaver, and holding up my cane close to my nose after the manner of us sons of Galen, I harangu’d them as follows: In the first place I told them, That it was not without the utmost regret, that I saw so many quacks and nauseous pretenders to the faculty, daily impose upon the publick. That neither ambition, self-interest, or the like sordid motive, had tempted me to expose myself thus upon the theatre of the world; and that nothing but a generous zeal to rescue medicine out of the hands of a pack of rascals, that were a dishonour to it, and the particular respect I bore to the inhabitants of the most renown’d city of Brandinopolis; who for their good breeding and civility to strangers, were not to be equall’d in any of Pluto’s dominions, had prevail’d over my natural modesty, and drawn me out of my beloved obscurity; that lastly, I requested a favourable construction upon this publick way of practice, which some impudent emperics (whom I scorn to mention) had render’d scandalous; and as I was a graduate in several universities, would have certainly declin’d, but that my regard for the salus populi superseded all those scruples; and made me rather hazard the loss of my reputation with some censorious persons, than lose any opportunity of exerting my utmost abilities for the benefit of mankind.
When this harangue was over, I withdrew, and left the rest of the ceremony to be perform’d by my orator Mithridates, who descanted a long while upon my great experience and skill, my travels, and great adventures in foreign countries; the testimonials, certificates, medals, and the like favours, I had receiv’d from most of the crown’d heads and princes in the universe. And when this was over, order’d Matt. Gilliflower and Dick Bently, two of my footmen to disperse printed copies of my bill among the people, together with the catalogue of the cures by me formerly perform’d in your upper hemisphere; both which papers, because they contain something singular in them, and are written above the common strain, I have given my self the trouble to transcribe.