I Vow to Gad, lady, of all the fair sex that ever occupied their faculties upon the publick stage, I think your pretty self the only miracle! for a woman to cloak the frailties of nature with such admirable cunning as you have done hitherto, merits, in my opinion, the wonder and applause of the whole kingdom! how many chaste Diana’s in your station have lost their reputation before they have done any thing to deserve it! but for a woman of your quality first to surrender her honour, and afterwards preserve her character, shows a discreet management beyond the policy of a statesman: your appearance upon the stage puts the court-ladies to the blush, when they reflect that a mercenary player should be more renown’d for her virtue, than all the glorious train of fair spectators; who, like true women, hear your praises whisper’d with regret, and behold your person with insupportable envy. The Roman empress Messalina was never half so famous for her lust, as you are for your chastity; nor the most christian king’s favourite, madam Maintenon, more eminent for her parts, than you are for your cunning; for nothing is a greater manifestation of a woman’s conduct, than for her to be vicious without mistrust, and to gratify her looser inclinations without discovery; at which sort of managements you are an absolute artist, as since my departure I have made evident to myself, by residing in those shades where the secrets of all are open; for peeping by chance into the breast of your old acquaintance, where his sins were as plainly scor’d as tavern-reckonings upon a bare-board; there did I behold, among his numberless transgressions, your name register’d so often in the black list, that fornication with madam B—— came so often into the score, that it seem’d to me like a chorus at the end of every stanza in an old ballad: besides had I wanted so manifest a proof, as by chance I met with, experience has taught me to judge of my own sex to a perfection, and I know the difference there is between being really virtuous and only accounted so: I am sensible ’tis as hard a matter for a pretty woman to keep herself honest in a theatre, as ’tis for an apothecary to keep his treacle from the flies in hot weather; for every libertine in the audience will be buzzing about her honey-pot, and her virtue must defend itself by abundance of fly-flaps, or those flesh-loving insects will soon blow upon her honour, and when once she has had a maggot in her tail, all the pepper and salt in the kingdom will scare keep her reputation from stinking; therefore that which makes me admire your good housewifery, above all your sex, is, that notwithstanding your powdering-tub, has been so often polluted, yet you have kept your flesh in such credit and good order that the nicest appetite in the town would be glad to make a meal of it.

You must excuse me, Madam, that I am thus free with you, for you know ’tis the custom of our sex to take all manner of liberty with one another, and to talk smuttily, and act waggishly when we are by ourselves, tho’ we scarce dare listen to a merry tale in man’s company for fear of being thought impudent. You know the bob-tail’d monster is a censorious creature, and if we should not be cunning enough to cast a mist before the eyes of their understanding sometimes there would be no living among them; and therefore I cannot but highly commend you for your prudence in covering all your vicious inclinations by an hypocritical deportment: for how often have we heard men say, tho’ a woman be a whore, yet they love she should carry herself modestly? that is as much as to say, they love to be cheated, and you know, Madam, we can hit their humours in that particular to a hairs-breadth, and convey one man away from under our petticoats to make room for another, with as much dexterity as the German artist does his balls, that the keenest eye in Christendom shall not discern the juggle, for a woman ought to be made up of all chinks and crannies, that when a man searches for any thing he should not find, she may shuffle about her secrets so, that the devil can’t discover them, or else she’s fit only to make a sempstress on, and can never be rightly qualified for intriguing. I have just now the rememberance of a few female stratagems crept into my head, which were practised by a pretty lady of my acquaintance, perhaps, Madam, if they are not stale to you, you may make them of some service hereafter; therefore in hopes of obliging you, I shall acquaint you with the particulars.

I happen’d long since in the time of my youth, when powerful nature prompted me to delight in amorous adventures, to contract a friendship with a fair lady, who for her wit and beauty, was often times solicited by the male sex to help make up that beast of pleasure with two backs, and hating to submit herself to the tyrannical government of a single person, never wanted a whole parliament of nipples to give her suck, tho’ she flatter’d one man that kept her, to believe he was sole monarch of the Low-Countries; but one time he unfortunately happen’d to catch her, with a new relation, of whom he was a little jealous, believing for some reasons he had an underhand design of liquoring his boots for him, to prevent which he impos’d an oath of abjuration upon his mistress, and made her swear for the future to renounce the sight of him, which to oblige her keeper, she very readily consented to, but no sooner was his back turn’d, but she had invented a salve for her conscience, as well as her concupiscence, and dispatching a letter to her new lover, told him what had pass’d, but withal, encourag’d him to renew his visits at such opportunities as she informed him were convenient; at the time appointed her spark came, she received him with a blind compliment, and told him, she would open any thing but her eyes to oblige him; but those she must keep shut for her oath’s sake, having sworn never to see him if she could help it. The gentleman was very well satisfied he had so conscientious a lady to deal with: love, Madam, says he, is always blind, and for my part, I shall be content to enjoy the darkest of your favours; upon which he began vigorously to attack love’s fortress, which you know, Madam, has no mere eyes than a beetle; as she told me the story, he was beat off three times, and at last was forc’d to draw off his forces, so march’d off to raise recruits against the next opportunity. The next day came the governour of the garrison, as he foolishly thought himself, and made a strict enquiry whether she had any correspondence with the enemy? lord, Sir, says she, what do you take me to be? a devil; as I hope to be sav’d, I never set eyes of him since you engag’d me to the contrary: so all things past off as well as if no evil had been acted.

The next fresh acquaintance she contracted, she would never suffer to wait upon her at her lodgings, other ways dress’d than in female apparel; so when a new fit of jealousy put her spark upon purging her conscience upon oath, as I have a soul to be sav’d, says she, no creature in breeches but yourself has been near me since you had knowledge of it; therefore why, my dear, should you harbour such ill thoughts of a woman that loves you as dearly as I do my beads and crucifix? thus, tho’ she deceiv’d him as often as she had opportunity, yet her discretion kept all things in such admirable decorum, that I never knew any of the fair sex, except yourself, like her.

If it were not for these witty contrivances, subtle shifts and evasions, which we are forc’d to use to keep the male sex easy, a pretty or an ingenious woman, to make one happy must make twenty miserable; or wit and beauty are never without abundance of admirers; and if such a woman were to sacrifice all her charms to the miserly temper of one single lover, the rest must run distracted, and at this rate the whole world in a short time would become one great Bedlam; besides, since there is enough to make all happy, if prudently dispens’d, I know no reason why one man should engross more than he is able to deal with, and other men want that, which by using there can be no miss of; therefore I commend you for the liberty you take to oblige your chosen friends, and the prudence you use to conceal it from the envious number you think unworthy of your smiles; so with this advice I shall conclude, if you have twenty gallants that taste your favours in their turns, let no man know he has a rival-sharer in the happiness, but swear to every one a-part, none enjoys you but himself; and by this means you will oblige the whole herd, and make yourself easy in their numerous embraces.

A. Behn.

The Virgin’s Answer to Mrs. Behn.

IT is no great wonder to me you should prove so witty, since so many sons of Parnassus, instead of climbing the Heliconian hill, should stoop so low, as to make your mount of Venus the barren object of their poetick fancies: I have heard some physicians say, the sweet fornication draws mightily from the brain; for which reason, it is more affected with the pleasure than any other part of the body; if so, how could the spirit of poesy be otherwise than infus’d into you, since you always gain’d by what the fraternity of the Muses lost in your embraces? you were the young poets Venus; to you they paid their devotion as a Goddess, and their first adventure, when they adjourn’d from the university to the town, was to solicite your favours; and this advantage you enjoy’d above the rest of your sex, that if a young student was but once infected with a rhiming itch, you by a butter’d bun could make him an establish’d poet at any time; for the contagion, like that of a worse distemper, will run a great way, and be often strangely contracted. I have heard a gentleman say, that when he was bedded with a poetess, or rival’d a poet in his mistress, that he has dreamt of nothing but plays, ballads and lampoons for six months after; and has been forc’d to cuckold a critick, before he could get cur’d of the distemper. From hence it appears, that a man in his sober senses runs a greater hazard of his brains in having familiar contract with a daughter of the Muses, than a drunken man does of his nobler parts, in paving the common-shore of a town prostitute.

You upbraid me with a great discovery you chanc’d to make, by peeping into the breast of an old friend of mine; if you give yourself but the trouble of examining an old poet’s conscience, who went lately off the stage, and now takes up his lodgings in your territories, and I don’t question, but you’ll there find, Mrs. Behn writ as often in black characters, and stands as thick in some places, as the names of the generation of Adam in the first of Genesis. But oh! that I had but one glance into your own accounts; there I am sure, should I find a compleat register of all the poets of your standing, from the Laureat, down to the White-Fryars ballad-monger: at this rate, well might you be esteem’d a female wit, since the least return your versifying admirers could make you for your favours, was, first to lend you their assistance, and then oblige you with their applause: besides, how could you do otherwise than produce some wit to the world, since you were so often plough’d and sow’d by the kind husbandmen of Apollo? but give me leave, Madam, to tell you, after all your amorous intrigues to please the taglines of the age, and all the fatigue of your brains to oblige a fickle audience, I never could yet hear that your reputation ever soar’d above the character of a bawdy poetess; and these were the two knacks you were chiefly happy in, one was to make libertines laugh, and the other to make modest women blush; and had you happen’d to have liv’d in a reforming age, under the lash of Mr. C——r, he would have so firk’d you about the pig-market, that you must have learn’d to have writ more modestly, or he would have been apt to have said, you certainly thinn’d your ink with your own water, or you could never have writ so bawdily.

You seem almost to think it an indispensible difficulty for a woman in my quality to preserve her reputation, especially if she has done any thing to deserve the loss of it; I say, a prudent woman may do it with all the facility imaginable, by keeping up to a few maxims in female policy, which few woman are strangers to. First, Were I to give myself liberty (as whether I do or no is no matter to any body) I would always bestow my favours upon those above me, and those beneath me, and never be concern’d with any man upon an equal footing; and these are my reasons: Suppose the vitious eyes of a great man are fix’d upon me, and my charms should kindle a love-passion in the cockles of his heart; he writes, chatters, swears and prays, according to custom in such cases, I still defend the premisses, by a flat verbal denial; but at the same instant incourage him in my looks, and am always free to oblige him with my company; till by this sort of usage I make him sensible downright courtship will never prevail; and that the cittadel he besieges is not to be surrender’d without bribing the governess: then he begins to mix his fine words with fine presents; he gives, I receive, returning a side glance for a diamond ring, two smiles for a gold watch, a kiss for a pearle necklace, and at last for a round sum the ultimate of my favours; of which, in one months time, he is as much tir’d, as a child is of a Bartholomew knick-knack, and so we seperate again, both fully satisfied: in this case, I say, a woman’s reputation is pretty safe; for if he has any brains, he will be afraid to discover I have been his bedfellow, lest I should tell the world he has been my bubble; for he can’t help believing, if he had never been my fool, I had never been his mistress.