In the next place, why I would rather submit to make a friend of an inferior, than an equal; I think these reasons are sufficient; if I oblige a man beneath me, he looks upon my condescention to be his greatest honour; and ’tis but now and then furnishing his pockets with a little spending money, and he’ll drudge like a stone-horse to give me a competent refreshment; not only that, but he’ll lie for me, swear for me, fight for me, and be always speaking in praise of my virtues upon every occasion; my mixing his pleasure with profit, makes it so much the sweeter, and engages him to give my favours a more diligent attendance. I can govern, comand, expect, and make him more my slave than a woman is to her keeper; and he takes it to be his only happiness to be so. And for my part, think there is more satisfaction in having a man that one likes, in this sort of subjection, than there is in being courtezan to any gouty peer in Christendom; for I have always had the same ambition to be mistress over some of the male sex, as some of them have had to make me their humble servant. These are the reasons why some ladies submit themselves to the lash of the long whip, and love to be jerk’d by their coach-man; and why lawyers wives join issue with their husbands clerks; and shop-keepers help-mates court the benevolence of their apprentices: for a woman’s business is seldom done by a man that’s her master; and I must frankly confess, were I to be a slave to the best man’s lust in the kingdom, tho’ kept never so well for’t, if I had not a man beneath me in the same classis. I should think my life but in a miserable confinement; for there is no other pleasure in money got over the devil’s back, but in spending it under his belly; besides, if a woman’s reputation be safe in any man’s power, it must certainly be secure in the custody of an inferior so oblig’d; for interest is the best padlock in the world to confine a tongue to silence: but if you make an equal your familiar, and no interest binding on either side, upon every little disgust it shall be, confound you for a wh—re, what made you disappoint me? d—mn you for a jilt, what spark were you engag’d with? and this sort of usage, in a little time, a woman must expect to be treated with; and ten to one, but at last expos’d; and this is all the gratitude the poor loving fool shall meet with for her kindness.
Pray, Madam, tho’ I have been so free with you, as to deliver you my sentiments, don’t you take me to be a person that ever put them into practice; I only tell you, according to my present judgment, what I believe I should do, was I under the same predicament with many ladies, whom I see daily in the boxes; but I thank my stars, I had always more modesty than to be lewd; and more generosity, than to be mercenary; and have hitherto took care to preserve a virtuous reputation, notwithstanding I know what I know; therefore I defy your conscience peeping; besides, that was in another world; and when all comes to all, I believe ’tis only a piece of your own romantick wit, and as such I take it. So farewel.
From Madam Creswell of pious Memory, to her Sister in Iniquity Moll Quarles of Known Integrity.
Dear Sister,
IT is no little grief to me on this side the grave, to hear what a low ebb the good old trade of basket-making is reduc’d to in the age you live in; for I hear it is as much as a woman of tolerable beauty, and reasonable share of experience can well do, to keep clean smocks to her back, and pay her surgeon; when in my time, praised be the l—rd for it, I kept my family as neat and sweet, poor girls, as any alderman’s daughters in the city of London. I don’t know what scandal our profession may be dwindled into since my departure from the upper world; but I am sure thro’ the course of my life, I was look’d upon by the whole city to be as honest an old gentlewoman, as ever hazarded her soul for the service of her country; and always took care to deal in as good commodities, as any shopkeeper in London could desire to have the handling of, true, wholesom country-ware; whole waggon-loads have I had come up at a time, have dress’d them at my own expence, made them fit for man’s use, and put them into a saleable condition. The clergy, I am sure, were much beholden to me, for many a poor parson’s daughter have I taken care on, bought her shifts to her back, put a trade into her belly, taught her a pleasant livelihood, that she might support herself like a woman, without being beholden to any body; who otherwise must have turn’d drudge, waited upon some proud minx or other, or else have depended upon relations; yet these unmannerly priests had the sinful ingratitude before I dy’d, to refuse praying for me in their churches; tho’ I dealt by all people with a conscience, and was so well beloved in the parish I liv’d in, that the churchwardens themselves became my daily customers.
My home was always a sanctuary for distressed ladies; I never refus’d meat, drink, washing, lodging, and cloaths, to any that had the least spark of wit, youth, beauty, or gentility, to recommend them to my charity; ladies women, chambermaids, cookmaids of any sort, when out of service, were at all times welcome to my table, ’till they could better provide for themselves; and I am sure, tho’ I say it that should not, I kept as hospitable a house for all comers and goers, as any woman in England; for the best of flesh was never wanting to delight the appetites of both sexes; the toppingest shopkeepers in the city us’d now and then to visit me for a good supper; and I never fail’d of having a tid-bit ready for them; dainties that were hot and hot, never over-done, but always with the gravy in them, which pleas’d them so wonderfully, that they us’d to cry their own victuals at home was meer carrion to it; nay, their very wives, sometimes, contrary to their own husbands knowledge, have tripp’d in, in an evening, complain’d they have been as hungry as hawks, and desired me to provide a morsel for them that might satisfy their bellies; for you must know, both sexes were wonderful lovers of my cookery, and would feed very heartily upon such nice dainties that I toss’d up for them, when no other sort of flesh would by any means go down with them. Many hopeful babes have been beholden to my mansion-house for their generation; who tho’ they were never wise enough to know their own father, yet some of them, for ought I know, may at this day be aldermen; for I have had as good merchants ladies, as ever liv’d in Mincing-lane, apply themselves to my fertile habitation for change of diet; and have come twice or thrice a week to refresh nature with my standing dishes; for I always kept an open house to feast lovers; and, Jove be thanked, never wanted variety to gratify the appetites of mankind. Thirty pair of haunches, both bucks and does, have been wagging their scuts at one another within the compass of one evening; and many noblemen, notwithstanding they had deer of their own, us’d to come to my park for a bit of choice venison, for I never wanted what was fat and good, tho’ within my pale it was all the year rutting-time.
It is well known, I kept as good orders in my house as ever was observed in a nunnery; I had a church-bible always lay open upon my hall-table, and had every room in my house furnish’d with the Practice of Piety, and other good books for the edification of my family; that for every minute they sinn’d, they might repent an hour at their leisure intervals. I kept a chaplain in my house, and had prayers read twice a day, as constantly as the sun rises in a morning, and sets in an evening; and tho’ I say it, I had a parcel of as honest religious girls about me, as ever pious matron had under her tuition at a Hackney boarding-school; nor would they ever dare to humble the proud flesh of a sinner without my leave or approbation; and, like good christians, as often as they had sinn’d, came to auricular confession. I always did every thing in the fear of the lord, and was, I thank my Creator, so happy in my memory, that I had as many texts of scripture at command, as a presbyterian parson. For my zeal to religion, and the services I daily did to the publick community, I bless my stars, I never wanted a city magistrate to stand my friend in the times of persecution, or any other adversity; but could have half the court of aldermen appear on my behalf at an hour’s warning. I kept a painter in my house perpetually employ’d upon fresh faces, and had a good as collection of pictures, to the life, as ever were to be seen in Lilly’s showing-room; beauties of all complexions, from the cole-black cling-fast, to the golden-lock’d insatiate, from the sleepye’d slug, to the brisk-ey’d wanton; from the reserv’d hypocrite, to the lew’d fricatrix; so that every man might choose by the shadow, what kind of beauteous substance would give his fancy the greatest titillation. Every room in my house was adorn’d with the picture of some grave bishop, that my customers might see what a great veneration I had for the clergy; all my lodgings were as well furnish’d, as the splendid apartments of a prince’s palace; that every citizen, whose wife had been kiss’d at court, might fancy in revenge, by the richness of his bed, he was making a cuckold of a nobleman. I never was without Viper-wine for a fumbler, to give a spur to old age and assist impotency. I also had right French Claret, and the flower of Canary, to wash away the dregs of the last Sunday’s sermon, that the bugbears of conscience might not fright a good churchman from the pleasures of fornication. I had orders in every room, against cathedral exercise, or beastical back-slidings, and made it ten shillings forfeiture for any that were caught in such actions; because I would not be bilk’d of my bed-money. These were the measures I took in my occupation to procure an honest livelihood; and Heaven be prais’d, I thriv’d as well in my profession, as if my calling had been licensable. How times are alter’d since, I know not, but I hear, to my great sorrow, that bawding, of late years, which us’d to be a trade of itself, is now grown scandalous, and very much declin’d by reason that midwives, like a parcel of incroaching husseys, have engross’d the whole business to themselves, to the starving of you experienc’d old ladies, who have spent their days, and worn out their beauty in the service of the publick; and ought in all equity to be the only persons, thought qualifi’d for so judicious an undertaking, to support them in their old age, when father time has stripp’d them of their charms, and their noble faculties fail them; besides, I hear noblemen employ their own valets, ladies their own waiting women, citizens wives one another, and all to save charges, to the ruin of our poor sister-hood.
Alack a-day! what a pernicious age do you live in? that traders should trust one another to buy their commodities, and all to save the expence of brokerage. I fear, there are some instruments among yourselves, that have been the main occasion of your being thus neglected. I shall further proceed, to give you a little advice, which, if but duly observ’d, may, I hope, in a little time, recover the antient state of bawdery into a flourishing condition, and make it once more as reputable a calling, as it was when clergymens widows, and decay’d ladies at court, did not disdain to follow it.
Never neglect publick prayers twice a day, hear two sermons every Sunday, receive the sacrament once a month, but let this be done at a church where you are unknown; and be sure read the scriptures often, and be sure fortify your tongue with abundance of godly sayings, let them drop from you in strange company, as thick as ripe fruit from the tree in a high wind; and whenever you have a design upon the daughter, be sure of the mother’s faith, and ply her closely with religion, and she will trust her beloved abroad with you in hopes she may edify; for you must consider, there is no being a perfect bawd without being a true hypocrite.
Always have a lodging separate from your house, in a place of credit; where, upon an occasion, you may entertain the parents without being suspected, and corrupt the minds of their children before they know your employment: you must first pour the poison in at their ears, infect their thoughts, and when their fancies begin to itch, they will have their tails rubb’d in spite of the devil.