"'Who, or from whence on earth do you come?' inquired my Lord.
"'Smooth,' I replied, that is my name; I am a citizen of the Great Republic—come to study the way in which you are disorganizing foreign affairs.'
"'Yer a little in advance of the times—too fast, sir!' replied a large man most serious of face. Thinking it best to answer him by declaring my opinion to be that it was better to be with the age than behind it,—and which I believe constituted the only difference between a fast and slow man of the present day, I let slide at him upon the fallacy of his political philosophy, with knock-down arguments.
"The fellows cooled down at once, and John Littlejohn said, 'Come, Smooth! if you really are a clever citizen then you are precisely the fellow we want!' And then he conversed feelingly with me, said how much he liked our country and our countrymen; persuaded himself to believe them the real go-ahead chaps—though he, at times, thought it quite necessary to keep their go-ahead a little slow. I proposed their taking a smoke in a rough and ready sort of way, and pulling out my pouch, in a friendly sort of way, they all seemed struck aback with astonishment. One said, if we did things that way in Congress it was not the way they did them here. They all shook their heads—said they didn't smoke.
"'We will may it please you Mr. Smooth—Citizen of the United States—excuse these things for the present,' rejoined Dablerdeen, who looked as if he did not know which way to turn, or how to please his people. Seeing this I sat down and watched the very odd style in which they played the game. Dablerdeen did all the talking, and Littlejohn, whom the reader will see had returned home helped him make his muff; and then there was a good deal of assisting one another to forget each move. But Sandy always moved slow, as if he had something under his thimble he was afraid of damaging. 'That's Turkey, that's Russia, that's France, and that's Austria—and this is ourselves!' he would say, making the moves up or down, but not knowing where to stop. 'It won't do to push that one, it won't!' he continued, pointing at the one he called Austria. 'If you did, nothing would you get from under it. It's a costly cup with a tender handle, somewhat dangerous to turn: only the cup of Spain is more costly; but that in this emergency is of no account whatever.' They had no United States cup to move, inasmuch as Jonathan had very respectfully declined to hazard a point in European games when he withheld his ascent to a tripartite treaty for the purpose of keeping his delicate fingers off Cuba. Now these very antiquated gentlemen seemed to entertain some respect for the British Lion, some apprehension of Jonathan and Nicholas, and a great dislike for fighting, which they had been driven, or rather drifted, into much against their imagined obligations to peace; for, indeed, did they carry on the war tail foremost, finding everything they had done large of stupidity. By and by a loud call rang through the tabernacle, and in another minute the platter of dough-nuts was borne in by two cooks. One, they said was Mrs. Victoria, and the other was Mr. Napoleon, curious acquaintances, who lugged and tugged, and puffed and blowed; and the piping hot doughnuts nuts gave out their glows. Then the players all seemed to quicken up, as if they had sooner be eating than thinking.
"'Strange things will come to pass at times, and nothing stranger has come to pass than that John Bull and Johnny Crappo have gone into the brotherly-love business, by which they hope to bring about one grand object,' I said. 'Neither had I any objection to Spain joining, provided she kept Cuba all right. But, Cuba being so near Uncle Sam's fingers, nothing more than the common course of events was needed to let it slide so naturally into his modest hands.' Smooth told the old gentlemen that the very best way to hasten Uncle Sam's getting Cuba was to point out a process by which he could keep his hand out of his pockets. 'We, Mr. Smooth, do not question your correctness on the point, so far at it refers to this Cuba business, and the tripartite treaty which we would you had signed merely that your fingers were kept off the property; but you have misconstrued our amiable motives—we only wanted to form a trio, honorable in combination—that is, we would it were mutually understood that you do not annex Cuba, and we will not!' said my Lord Littlejohn, who spoke quite as spunky, though with less assurance on geography, than he did to the very amiable Mr. Everett. Smooth understood the P's and Q's of the thing, without examining further into the portfolio. It was Johnny Bull saying to Johnny Crappo—'them Yankees 'll get Cuba!—in spite of all we can do.' Of course something must be said in return; so Crappo puts in his say:—'Can't you suggest some way to stop it, Uncle John?' he inquires, with a quizzical shrug, adding—mon dieu! 'But, by gar, we may do him somefin yet, by gar!'
"To make rogue one honest man is one clever thing; Mr. Jonathan mistake himself in tinking himself great, when he not so great. Now, dem Yankee one grand 'cute fellow; you no catch him wid de, bird chaff,' he is supposed to conclude. Smooth very amiably suggested that it were better to let Cuba be Cuba, until the time came when, if she felt like snugly brooding under Uncle Sam's wings, without any assistance would he attend to the little matter of offering her a roost. Uncle Sam was growing, but had grave ideas, with which he generally maintained his own dignity. They here reckoned Mr. Smooth had delivered his speech with becoming dignity. Of this fact I was fully sure, for my Lord Littlejohn put his finger into his mouth and began to suck it, as is common with him in these his days of tribulation. 'Let us quit the Ottomans and go into the eatables: the one is so dry nothing is to be made at it, while at the other everything is to be made, for there is something to eat,' rejoined John. They carried the suggestion by acclamation. Just then, whang!—bang!—whiz! somebody thundered at the door, when, alarmed, they all cried out—'whose there?' In answer to this the man with the long rod cried out at the very top of his voice—'Stop the game!' The old fellows began to stow away their gambling tools, look innocently and vacantly at one another, as if a crisis was upon them they could not understand. 'It's only us outsiders,' a voice replied, in most harmless accents.
"'There! I told you we'd make a mess of it,—that the outsiders would break in upon us' said Littlejohn, with a savage grimace, directing himself to Dablerdeen, who it was now thought better to call Grandmamma Fudge. The gentlemen outsiders were the honor-saving committee from Finsbury, the members of which declared themselves large stakeholders in the game at the Treasury. Grandmamma Fudge thought it best to tell them, merely in a bluff sort of way, that England's honor was safe in his keeping—that they must not be scared about it; not however, until they found him pedling pills and other quack medicines with the object of inducing Austria to be more explicit. 'But, my old closeters, in we must come! Fearing you have got the gout in the head, we are here to make an examination; things done in secret have a dark look about them; and we, being the honor-saving committee, have come to make a single suggestion, which is that my lord of foreign affair memory is found wanting in firmness, and gets very crooked when he is not kept straight, which is most unfortunate in a diplomatist who smokes bad cigars all the day long. This said, it must be remembered that old Finsbury feels sensitive of her rights and liberties; closely allied to which is the honor of Old England. And Christmas being near at hand, if the old Bear eat up all the Turkey, Finsbury cannot keep it; and we have been honied down in a good-natured sort of way long enough.' Poor old Grandmamma Fudge looked dumbfounded, like at times we see a disconsolate individual, who nipped in a hail-storm, mourns the loss of his umbrella. Like death, it was necessary to keep close, tell the honor-saving committee to maintain their usual spirits, and call again, when in respect to their ancient character, they would get a listening for their grievances. With this valuable solace, condescendingly bestowed by the ancient gentlemen aforesaid did the committee go away happy, promise to be very good, and keep Finsbury before the world.
"The gentlemen having been respectfully bowed out of Downing street, a loud call was made to commence again at the dough-nuts. 'I say, bring 'em on,' rejoined I; Smooth 'll help (I'd been seated a little back, watching the while) play at that or any other game, provided there be a rule of honor and economy to work out.'
"'Be a little more modest, Smooth—if you please!' spoke up my most intimate friend, Palm, who until then had seemed viewing the whole conclave with measured contempt. Indeed my friend Palm was a regular brick in his way, which fact was most happily illustrated in the manner he now and then threw the hard tokens at the head of his parliamentary brother Bright. It was as unfortunate as notorious, however, that in his dealings with the United States, his conduct was as dishonorable as uncertain. 'Smooth, you are a large youth,' said he; 'but your reforming principles have too great a resemblance to innovations to go down without scratching, in this aged atmosphere of ours! Nor must you be so lavish of your manifest destiny policy; that, to me, is the medium by which you intend to come on this side of the big pond and stick your fingers into everybody's mess.'