"I interrupted him just then; and in reply to a question I put, he acknowledged his conviction to be that we did things well and simply; but he made one little reservation, and that was that we did not do so well when we permitted the little State of South Carolina to imprison Uncle John's nigger sailors. Then he said South Carolina was the Empire State of Nigger Slavery; and was not aware of his mistake, until such I happily removed by convincing him that she was the only Don Quixote of the Union; and as it was necessary for every nation to have such an inhabitant in its compact, merely for the purpose of keeping alive the humorous, so Carolina filled the void in America, where happily her little exploits were viewed as very harmless.
"Well, peace again being preserved, we drew up to have a feast of the hot dough-nuts, when a terrible thundering came at the great door. Then the figure standing guard, who resembled a flour-barrel in frills, announced the reporter of the Times; who said he must come in, for his folks, too, held a large stake in the game. And the individual did come in; and a right jolly-looking fellow he was, too; and in contrast with the fudgy old conclave, seemed bright, fresh, and ready to go ahead; and then he said the Times and the country were two great institutions. 'You!' he spoke, advancing independently to the table, and grinning the old fogies almost out of countenance, 'have got to render an account of this game to the country! your just unequiliberizing everything; and my humble opinion is that you have got the fear fever in your heads.' The old gentleman took it all in good part; in fact (the truth must be told at times) they seemed rather to fear and like the man of the Times, who seldom failed in getting by some mysterious process the secrets of Downing street. However, as disturbances seldom come separate, no sooner had the man of the Times been smoothed nicely down with Downing street soft-soap, of which a never-failing supply was always at hand, than a most furious hue and cry again echoed through the old walls from another part of the house. Alarm and anxiety darted into the face of everyone present; all eyes stared in death-like gaze in the direction from whence it came. Smooth being in for a share of the alarm as well as the fun, looked along with the rest, when, lo! high on a seat in the corner, sat Mr. Punch, his comical face glowing through a sort of knot-hole and Toby perched on his right shoulder, growling and looking as if he wanted to bite every old fudge in the conclave. Punch, to outsecret the players, was, in a very clever sort of way, taking private notes, the subject matter of which he intended giving to his readers in a very condensed and elegant volume. This started the players to their feet, when each seized a book, and, letting fly at Punch's head, drove him scampering out of Downing street.
"Having got rid of Mr. Punch, and bowed the man of the Times politely out, Grandmama Fudge, in a strong Scotch brogue, said, 'Nu, luds, let us gang awa to the crumpets—bring 'um hither, mya bullies!' He drew a sort of simple contortion over his broad, hard face, and mouthed his lips, as if he would the amplest dough-nut be put on his plate. Palm, just as they were resuming their seats, insinuated that as the venerable old man was well gone in his dotage, he had better measure his diet somewhat after the judicious character of his diplomacy, which was celebrated for its small doses crookedly doled out. The dish was again removed, mouths began to water, eager eyes glanced upon the steaming viands, giving out their strong glows and unsavory smells. This incited dither strong, on calling the two cooks its, after many and tedious interrogatories, confessed, in fear and trembling, that Grandmama Fudge had strictly ordered them fried in grease of the Russian Bear, an animal for which he entertained a curious sympathy. And here it was observed, with no very commendable emphasis, that the precious old dote had a particular partiality for Bruin's dominions, nor could be driven from the strange hallucination. Another minute and the poor old man was in the most alarming state of mind that could be imagined; the largest dough-nut on the platter had stuck half-way down his throat. To relieve himself of his unsuccessful attempt at swallowing things beyond his capacity, he called lustily for Palm, who, unfortunately, had left in disgust, the stench of Bear's grease being too strong for his capricious organs. 'He! he! he! ah mun, I doe believe to heaven it's all up—I doe!' gurgled the old man, struggling in spasmodic efforts to get the thing up or down. 'If I die,' he continued, 'with this lump of indecision in my throat, the consequences will be that no man will mourn over me.' Littlejohn, always ready to move as occasion required, sprung to his aid, crying 'Swallow it! swallow it! for the honor of Young England swallow it! If it comes up you're a dead premier: dead without a doctor.' The whole thing now became a complex confusion; no one knew how to unconfuse it. It was a sad mistake having its origin only in the want of the age's appliances to our day and its circumstances; he had attempted a nut he had not capacity to swallow. A dozen voices cried out 'Bring in the doctor.' and as many more said the case was a desperate one. Some run one way; some run another; 'and some never moved. Downing street was in tribulation. Then everybody ran in everybody's way; nobody knew what to do; nor could anybody find Mr. Chesterfield, the loud shouts for whom seemed to make him a character of some importance. Mr. Smooth kept very cool the while, thinking it best to maintain his philosophy up to a scientific point; and in that way he reckoned it was as well to send for Doctor Punch, who, in such cases was an adept of a practitioner, and had an extensive infirmary in Fleet street, where patients innumerable were healed for three-pence. Well, just as they were on the point of making a rush, a voice cried out—'Here I am! here I am!' and in another minute there jumped from under the table a suspicious-looking turkey, who stood upon the platter, clapped his wings, and sent the dough-nuts into a flutter about the room. 'I'm all right' he proclaimed, stretching to his extreme height 'let every man take care of himself.' My reader will scarce question my veracity when I say the turkey looked with grave disdain upon the unnecessary confusion, made at this moment by British cabinet cooks, whom it was gravely intimated, had lessoned of Mr. Pierce's French cook, Monsieur Souley. Mr. Smooth, about this time, resolved to leave the donkey diplomatists, and drive his own ugly brutes home.
[CHAPTER XVI.]
SMOOTH DINES WITH CITIZEN PEABODY.
"Smooth being a great man, as well as Mr. Pierce's minister in general—and citizen Peabody being no less great in diplomacy, which he illustrated in the most substantial manner—it became necessary to make a demonstration: to this end did friend George delegate his hospitality in an invitation to dine with him at Blackwall. George was large and loose of figure, possessed a broad, honest face, bright with kindness, candor, and firmness: added to which a well-developed nose; a soft, yet watchful eye a mouth indicating gentleness; and a broad, benevolent chin, finished the make-up of the external man—if we except a neat pair of brown whiskers, and a head of dark youthful hair. Citizen George loved dearly his country, and was altogether a man who meant well, nor ever forgot those of his countrymen who reflected honor on their country when abroad. He had no genius for politics, had never aspired to the class par excellence; no, he espoused none of their dogmas; he let littler minds revel in such luxuries. The means by which little demagogues find themselves great politicians could reflect no fame to George: he served his country with less noise and more effect. If he was quiet and unassuming; if he loved his country to a fault, that fault was his own, not his country's. How much more to be praised is he who seeks when in foreign lands to sustain the simple but grand spirit of our institutions! For sustaining the simplicity of our institutions is friend George most to be praised. The object of his labor was the establishment of a simple but real and effective diplomacy, from which international benefits of great worth might result. A few here and there had doubted the quality of his diplomacy; but no one bold enough to question his abilities as a diplomatist had yet been found. It is not what we are supposed to do, but what we really do, that ought to entitle us to respect. And had not citizen George done more to promote a kindly feeling between the too boastful peoples of England and America than all our well-paid ministers, their court luxuries, and costly retinues thrown in? That citizen George would interpose for peace and international harmony, in the event of an unfortunate misunderstanding between the two countries, was equally certain; indeed he had more than once had occasion to view with feelings of commiseration those small jealousies against which great minds have to contend while seeking to carry out an enlarged policy. Painful as may be the assertion, it is nevertheless true, that whenever questions of an intricate nature arose those whose legitimate business it was to act in the matter were either moved by the narrowest aspirations of party, or, yielding to their own more contracted views, were disposed to keep alive dissensions blighting to their country's best interests.
"Deeper than etiquette and quibble (those much-beloved virtues of the time-serving and polite corps) had friend George delved into the recesses of human nature, that he might find a law upon which to build a comity of enlarged sentiment, having for its end the bringing together of Americans and Englishmen, cementing the bonds of commercial intercourse, and pledging the continuance of peace. Those whom he thus worthily drew together did he enjoin to cease their small jars and partake of his large jar, which was always plentifully stored. Be not surprised, then, when Smooth tells all his readers in general, and General Pierce in particular, that Citizen Peabody has founded a dinner diplomacy, contrasted with which all other species of the order are but secondary. This was indeed the means by which he hoped to, and no doubt would, develop a more fruitful international policy; for, meats and good drinks being never-failing arguments with fat Aldermen and Statesmen, who could doubt it? Smooth would here say to Uncle Sam, that there is no mistake about the effect of this sort of diplomacy, and begs that he will insinuate to Mr. Pierce the propriety of his suggesting to Congress through the medium of his next Annual Message (he will make a hit) the propriety of sending abroad good cooks instead of bad ministers. They must be well provided with gold eagles, and give the very best sort of dinners to every hungry citizen, at Sam's account; the boy will then shine in all his glory! Never dealing in sarcasms, nor casting reflections of an insinuating character, yet, Mr. Smooth cannot forbear to say that while the very polite worship at the shrine of the polished corps, stronger-minded men are always found doing homage to the meats and drinks—more particularly when they are good! Upon this most modern but very material principle of natural philosophy (with a great heart, and intentions to correspond) did our worthy and truly characteristic countryman pursue to usefulness his diplomacy. That it had excited the fear of small politicians and antiquated and very polite diplomats, whose trade it seriously damaged, was well known to Mr. Pierce and the world in general. Even this species of gentry was at times disposed to pay it compliment; but it was only on the ground of its relieving them of that onerous tax of now and then receiving their fellow-citizens respectably. Smooth is exceedingly delicate about mentioning here the onerousness of this tax, inasmuch as our parsimonious government has proved itself obstinately opposed to grant a sum requisite to the necessary respectability to be maintained at foreign courts.
"Well, the day arrived on which Smooth was to dine with Citizen George, and not the smallest idea had he of meeting another stray citizen. Happy in the enjoyment of our own greatness, Smooth expected to learn something of Uncle George's opinions upon international questions in general, and to give him in return some account of General Pierce's crooked notions of a national policy—so crooked, indeed, that they left him alike the laughing-stock of friends and foes. This was very easily done, for, being Mr. Pierce's special minister to everywhere in general, and more particularly to Europe, where he invested him (Smooth) with power to draw up preliminaries for the 'Ostend Convention,' as well as to cut a figure on behalf of Young America, the power thus given made the divulging Mr. Pierce's policy no breach of confidence. As for Young America, that very unassuming young gentleman was being gloriously represented by the very famous house of the three S.'s and Co. (Sickles, Saunders, Souley, Buckhanan & Co.), the latter very respectable gentleman having been received into the firm with the specific understanding that he sell out his large stock of old fogyism, and invest the proceeds in manifest destiny.
"Nothing is so easily attained as the flattery of small men; and yet no essence is more delicious to the soul of a sycophant, for it is he that loves to refresh his recreant spirit with human frailty. Mr. Pierce's comprehensive and very elastic mind had not yet made a point of analysing this as properly as it was capable of being.