"Doing himself (Smooth) up in his very best fixings, he chartered a steamboat—that is, he got aboard a steamboat—and in the company of our very gallant Secretary of Legation (who has since joined the very excellent and honorable order of doubtful politicians), paid his pennies and steamed away for Blackwall. Here he and his friend sought the Brunswick, a very grand hotel, where now and then the vulgar do dine, and console their love of fashion with much show of dishes and very aristocratic prices. And now, to Smooth's utter astonishment, on being bowed into a gorgeous hall by lackies in ordinary, who stood like tailored mummies along the halls and passages, he found it taken possession of by some hundred and fifty of both sexes, gaily attired, and altogether presenting the brightness of a bridal party. There were knights and baronets, great and small; some wore an insignia, but nothing else to distinguish them from the very vulgar. And, too, there was Sir William Busey, a good diner-out, and always ready to do such noble deeds. All stiff and staid, sallied up and down Sir James Muke, affecting to feel much annoyed because vulgar citizens would not regard him in the same distinguished light in which he contemplated himself. Indeed, were Sir James's manners taken in evidence of his distinguished position, the verdict could not fail to be in favor of his only being set down a very distinguished bore. However, on the principle of forgiveness being sweet, did Smooth forgive Sir James, and charge his manners to defect of early bringing up.
"And, too, there was, all reserve, smiling and dignified, Sir Memberman Plenat, who wore no toy of rank, that article being largely developed in his manly bearing. There were also, be it known, other barons and baronets, some of whom were equally imbued with their own importance, others quite modest and gentlemanly in their demeanor. But, to make the greatness of the occasion complete, there was the little Lord Mayor, who, like a mirror reflecting a sun-shower, loomed forth in all the greatness of his own light. Of ladies there was no lack. Some were of well established celebrity; others were decked in costly fabrics to create a celebrity; a third were fair to look upon. The English ladies seemed round of person, buoyant and joyous of soul: the American queens of beauty (their faces sparkling of love and gentleness) moved to and fro, like sylphs of some fairy land, making splendid the scene. The dashing New Yorker, her smiles, unerring arrows, piercing whither she shot them; the vivacious and intelligent daughter of Massachusetts, all sensitive, modest, and graceful; the placid belle of Pennsylvania, whose fair complexion drew upon her all admiration; the bright-eyed Buckeye, with face so oval, than whom none was more coy, nor ever shot a glance or stole a heart so well; the rustic daughter of Down East, who affected great contempt for all superior people, and declared the queen not a whit better than anybody else; the buxom Green-mountain girl, whose motion was as crude as her cheeks were rosy; the New Hampshire prude, lisping, regardless of Murray; the statue-like Baltimorean, with queenly figure and all lovely face, dazzling in her beauty, like a diamond among stones less brilliant; the flirting blonde of Washington; the gracious Virginian, with features so classic and serene; the daisy-like daughter of Connecticut, ever ready to give out her wild unmeasured laugh—all were there. And then there came the imperious Carolinian, whose stately step, Grecian face, dark, languishing eyes, and thoughtful countenance, drew upon her the admiration of many an envious eye. And, to make complete the group, there moved haughtily along the proud Madame of Alabama, affecting the possession of each good and gentle attribute of womankind. She would have us know how much attention she drew upon her while being presented to 'England's queen,' forgetting that it was merely the effect of her badly arranged lace. Indeed, the conclave mingled most socially. My Lady Flippington seemed not above a modest and very sensible condescension to the very level of the vulgar who surrounded her, and whose friendship she seemed to court.
"Citizen Peabody, as much good nature in his broad face as benevolence in his great heart, moved king among his guests, bestowing a smile here, and a cheering word there; but more particularly consoling the old maids, with whom he is a great favorite. No sooner had the genteel waiter announced the readiness of the festive board, than each gallant sought him a fair partner, and filed off in procession, those not fortunate enough to possess such an accompaniment being compelled to bear up with one of their own harder sex. Smooth was among the most fortunate, having succeeded in fettering himself to a Kentucky belle. Down a long, circular stairway, the procession proceeded, inspirited by sweet music, and soon reached a spacious hall, set out with tables stretching along its whole length, and bedecked with the choicest viands, delicately overlaid with fresh-plucked flowers, impregnating the very air with their delicious odors. Indeed they looked more like beds of bright flowers trellised with silver and gold. A din of confused voices resounded throughout the hall as all took seats who could, while not a few added to the confusion by appropriating to themselves the seats of others. Mr. Smooth, being a man of the world, and Mr. Pierce's minister extraordinary, took the best seat he could find, and made himself quite at home. Opposite him loomed out the hard, knotty face of Sir James Muke, who, suffering under the most painful grievance of having been deprived of his seat, so generously provided in a space to the right of the chairman, let loose some very unfashionable and badly moulded oaths. As if this were not enough, Sir James, whose temper had fairly boiled over, and to the great annoyance of less dignified ears than his own, did hurl most indiscriminately at the heads of astonished waiters several oaths less vile, but more pointed. 'Soup! soup!' he demanded impatiently, at the very top of his voice—a voice that sounded like the creaking of a door troubled with a chronic disease. Albeit there was no measuring the latitude Sir James would have allowed his feelings to take in demanding soup, and be-d——mn the astonished servants, had not Lady Constance Caution, who sat all calm at his left, reminded him in softest accents that 'Citizen Peabody always invoked a blessing before he gave soup.' Sir James in response kindly thanked my lady for her timely admonition, listened to the blessing as it fell solemnly upon his ear, bowed and extended his plate as the spontaneous Amen concluded the seemingly anxious moment. Calm but well directed was my lady's rebuke; deeply did it tell upon Sir James, who, more in imitation of Smooth's coarse manners, behaved henceforth with more regard to the feelings of those near him.
"It was now time to discuss the well-ordained set-out of viands. Round after round, the most delicious, came on with that disorder so characteristic of English servants. It will, Uncle Sam, be scarcely necessary for Smooth to add that great skill was displayed in safely depositing the meats and drinks in nature's most appropriate depot. Most cheerfully was it performed to the accompaniment of music, merry laughs, and flashes of well-worn wit: the only discord discoverable, or which could offend delicate ears, being that one or two English Gentlemen, of very polished manners, obstinately refused to be contented with the long list of wines provided by the generous host, and must needs display their cultivated taste by ordering bottles of a name scarce known, assuring the polite landlord that they themselves would pay the shot did Citizen Peabody fail to stand it. Mr. Smooth had not the least objection to this delicate proceeding inasmuch as it illustrated a principle, and contrasted strangely with those much cultivated manners facetious gentlemen who so often waste ink in discoursing upon the vulgarities of Americans would have us fashion from. Wishing, however, these gentlemen may display better manners next time, we must beg the reader's pardon for thus digressing and proceed.
"The meats having laid a very decided foundation upon which to build a tabernacle of joviality, and the nectar adding its exhilarating power in erecting a substratum for the fine work of the festival, it became necessary to top off with spicy speeches, which might indeed be compared to a compound of salt and cream very liberally mixed. From among his guests and great folks Citizen Peabody now rose, somewhat nervous, and with becoming dignity delivered himself of a very piquant speech, the bone and marrow of which was that Americans from home being moved by those sentiments the appearance of things new and strange naturally produce, the sequence was that they looked with an interest divided between reverence and curiosity to see their Minister; such a gratification he was only too happy in being the medium of affording. Nor, when he relieved that worthy representative of a tax his purse could ill bear, did he consider it less than a very agreeable duty. In reply to Citizen Peabody's toast, 'Peace and continued friendship between the peoples of England and the United States,' the guests filled a bumper, and with three hearty cheers let the liquid run down so smoothly. Sir Arthur Coddlecomb's name being coupled with the toast, and that compound of self-importance and bad grammar esteeming himself a great speaker, rose, and relieved himself of what is commonly called a very neat and appropriate speech. To Smooth his mind seemed on a wandering expedition; notwithstanding, he took occasion to refer to that approaching curse—an Eastern war, and also to divest himself of some very fine words, highly complimentary of America. Marked applause followed the speech, and Sir Arthur sat down bowing.
"'The present Lord Mayor!' being drawn into the order of toasts, the individual filling that office, a firmly compacted figure, with well-rounded limbs, and a broad, pleasing face, set off by the addition of a well-lined nose, full intelligent eyes, a brow nicely arched, and organically well-developed, and surmounted with a superstructure of dark, glossy hair, tinged with grey, rose to reply. My lord, in addition to being rather shortish, possessed a countenance indicative of amiability rather than strength of mind or force of character. 'Silence!' echoed and reechoed through the hall, and for a few seconds all was still. Then the badge-bedecked figure, with dignity all sublime, rose to the order. His dark eyes wandered to to the right and left, then over the banqueting scene, and again toward the ladies. Smooth would here say, by way of interrupting his lordship, and for the better information of his readers, that Sir James, becoming somewhat civilized—perhaps he should say tamed,—and made conscious that he confronted Mr. Pierce's special minister, pledged him in numerous glasses, and being now somewhat mellow, cooled away into an all-refreshing nap, during the enjoyment of which he, with unpolished bows, made known his approbation of each happy sentiment contained in the speeches.
"His lordship (the reader must now return) here commenced drawing from the cavities of his deep mind all the nice sayings of which his speech was so beautifully made up. Again he paused, made several gestures with his right hand, declared war upon all obstructing coughs, elongated his importance as never did peacock on a shingle, and proceeded: 'My lords and gentlemen!' Loud and good-natured laughing brought his lordship suddenly to a stop. 'My lord is not in the—', whispered Sir Matthew Moore, who sat all facetious at his lordship's right. Sir Matthew, significantly touching his lordship's elbow, while casting a sly wink across the table, enjoined;—'Fellow citizens and ladies, your lordship!' His lordship's face dispensed a few gorgeous blushes as he hesitated, and with an angular motion of the head, he convicted another cough, and made the very best kind of a bow acknowledging the default. 'Ladies, gentlemen, fellow-citizens!' continued his lordship, not having altogether gained the firm footing of his equilibrium—which, however, was much relieved by sundry well-modulated bravos from the assembly—'I 'ave the 'onor' (his lordship must be pardoned for his onslaught upon the h's) 'in happearing before this respectable body of Hamerican gentlemen hand ladies!—ladies hand gentlemen! (his lordship suddenly corrected himself), let it not be thought that I ham bestowing flattery when I say I esteem it an 'onor which I cannot too highly characterize, and for which I am so deeply indebted to my friend who 'as so long and nobly contributed to the durability of friendly intercourse between the two greatest and most enlightened peoples on earth—the man whom I am compelled to view as the greatest living diplomatist of the hage!' Here the company, with one accord, made a bow, while Sir Matthew interrupted his lordship by whispering, 'Nicholas of All the Russias excepted!' His lordship, with a peremptory glance at Sir Matthew, the meaning of which it was not easy to mistake, continued, somewhat testily:—'I will make no single exception for any such renegade!' Turning to the chairman, he reminded minded him of Sir Matthew's rejoinder, which he assured him he could not consider, unless indeed he sacrificed the high functions of that great office to which the voice of a people true to their traditions, and Providence, had so significantly called him at this all momentous moment—the breaking out of an Eastern war! 'No less surprized than hoverjoyed am I to meet so respectable looking an assemblage of citizens of that great country in the West, which we naturally view as the exponent of true independence, as well as our great hoffspring. Would hi, as the great representative of this city, be saying too much while asserting that in my 'umble opinion no one part of this expansive hearth (great applause) could send forth so respectable and orderly an assemblage of persons.' The ladies here shouted, and waved their handkerchiefs. Having received this distinguished compliment with due dignity, he commenced drawing aside the curtain that we might know more of his early history, which he felt assured in his own mind could not fail to hinterest the citizens of the United States in general, seeing that he belonged not to the 'haristocracy.' (This was received with a perfect explosion of applause.) In the days of his youth, when geographies were made without reference to correctness, and the study of globes was considered equal to the minds of those only who were learned enough to raise the devil, had he been taught from one of those imperfect pasteboards that Hamerica was an immense expanse of forests, inhabited by wild Hindians and curiously formed barbarians. And the impression thus made, he assured Mr. Smooth in particular, had so enrooted itself in his mind that he ever and anon found himself most mysteriously contemplating the want of a state of civilization in that great and glorious country. (Deafening applause). Here his lordship's animation was at the highest pressure; indeed so high was it, that a very respectable gentleman, sitting not far from Smooth, bowed, and suggested that the little Lord Mayor must have mistaken the present company for his dining senate. 'Now,' continued his worship, emphatically, 'nothing could more happily 'ave affected a change in my mind, than the beholding with my own eyes the lovely fair ones and respectable persons here present. To that great country, Hamerica, shall I hereafter look for the noblest results to civilization and mankind. (Cheers). It is now nearly two 'undred years since the foundation stone of that great republic was laid by the immortal Washington.' His lordship's speech was again interrupted by a demonstration of surprise on the part of the audience. He paused a moment, as if questioning the cause. Sir Mathew's aid was again called into service; reminding his lordship that his history was at fault, he added, in a tone most prudent, 'Not yet one hundred, my lord; 1776 marks the date of the declaration of independence.' Thanking Sir Mathew for the kindly hint, he apologized to his hearers, and proceeded. 'One hundred years, then have hardly rolled around, and we find that wonderful country presided over by a commoner—the choice of a free people, who raise him to that proud eminence once every eight years—vieing (here Sir Mathew again interrupted by saying, 'Every four years, my lord!') with the oldest and most powerful nations of Europe. Thanks, Sir Mathew,' interpolated his lordship, rather tartly, turning round. His Honor now proceeded for some time on a rather smooth course, except that he left out a great many h's and put in a great many a's. The great minds of America, he said, had done a world for her greatness. Here he condescended to pay what he was pleased to consider a very deserved compliment to General Flum of New York, whose broad and deeply wrinkled face he espied at the extreme end of one of the long tables, where it loomed up like a careworn lantern amidst a cluster of delicately tinted foliage. America, said his lordship, sought her great men, not from among the effete walks of the haristocracy, from the more legitimate hemisphere—the common walks of life. With a strange elongation of the body did our speaker emphasize the remark. Great men were the gift of an age, and a nation's fortune; and with which he was more than happy to say Hamerica had been blessed—would that his conscience and love of truth would permit him to say as much of his own country! He saw the personification and embodiment of America's great minds in the countenance of his much esteemed friend General Flum, whom his very soul joyed at recognizing present. (We will here add, by way of parenthesis, that the knowing ones of New York had a less exalted opinion of Flum's talent, which had remained hid under a pewter pot, but for General Pierce, who dragged it to the light of day for the purpose of eventually harmonizing his cabinet). Fortunate was it for the welfare of a great country that such men existed; they seemed born to a special purpose, which to him was a medium of conserving and protecting the great international well-being of the two peoples. That purpose was the greatest the world could contemplate in this great age of pounds, shillings, and pence; and with such a mind as he knew General Flum possessed, and the stronger arguments with which the generous host had conciliated all differences international, the two countries were sure to continue in a bond of friendship. To this distinguished compliment our general was pleased to make an approving bow. Again, his honor, in compliment of himself, informed those present that nothing could be more significant of divine will than that at this momentous crisis, when a bloody war was on the eve of hurling its vengeance over Europe, and devastating the nations, he should be called to hadminister those high functions of a nation the duties of his office involved; and, too, when an opportunity would be afforded him of exercising those mental gifts with which God had happily and liberally endowed him. With the full force of this valuable interposition he had not a doubt but that the peace and harmony of the world would again be restored. Nor should her Majesty's ministers ever ask in vain his advice;[*] and, as to the right of impeaching them, he would tenaciously reserve that to himself on all occasions. Whenever they evinced want of hexperience, his knowledge of hintricate questions and mystifying diplomacy should always be at their disposal. A single flourish more, his face glowing earnest, and the little great man proposed (having reiterated that great men were the gift of an age!) 'The great minds of America!' This inspiring sentiment he coupled with the name of General Plum, and sat down amidst a shower of very good-natured applause.
* His Honor recently brought forward in the Board of Aldermen a resolution having for its object the impeachment of Lord Aberdeen and his cabinet.
"This compliment, as the vulgar say, took Plum all aback. He rose in all the dignity of a Pierce diplomatist; his face brightened, conscious of merit; his tall loose figure elongated; he mastered several very ill-positioned coughs, and with glances very congressional, as if seeking a reportorial eye, spoke as modern politicians mostly do when President-making. But before Smooth proceeds to transcribe the elements of his speech, some description of his person may be necessary; in truth, he hears the reader demanding it. Flum is a long-jointed man, tall and coarse of figure, has a broad inexpressive face, with a spacious mouth and thin lips, disclosing irregular and discolored teeth; to which is added a sharp, projecting chin, prominent cheek bones, lazy grey eyes, deeply sunken under narrow arches slightly fringed with short, sprouting, reddish hairs, and a thin high bridged nose, forming a curvature on the ridge, and twisted to the left at an angle of some twenty-two degrees. This singular deformity of the nasal organ arose from the fact of its having been in contact with the hard hand of a pugilistic congressman; at least so went report. To those exhibiting nice taste for the appearance of our political gentry, we would say that the general, not at all like Smooth, added to the beauty of his personel a low, reclining forehead, superstructed with bright crispy hair, that stood confused all over his head, and gave him the appearance of having been chased by some infuriated bull. Of the general's general estimation of his own capacity, Smooth is sure the reader will not impose a penalty so far beyond his humble capacity as that of finding within this narrow world of ordinary presumption anything with which to compare it successfully. Having had many misfortunes in his upward career of political life, which was singularly marked with disappointments, notwithstanding he had lent forcible aid in making many a President, he never has permitted the strongest opinion of his own talent to die out from his mind; and now that that well-cultivated opinion is made stronger by the all-important verdict of his eloquent worship, how can he resist the real proof of his being a much-neglected great man? 'Mr. Chairman, and fellow citizens!' ejaculated Flum, nervously. 'My friend, the Lord Mayor, has paid a well and much deserved compliment to our country, our country's institutions, and our country's great minds. So, far, ladies and gentlemen, as that compliment applies to myself, I may or may not have deserved it; delicacy and reserve are always the noblest attributes of great men. But—and with all due deference to those accomplished gentlemen of England do I say it—it is to the democratic character of our institutions that we owe the usefulness of those great minds, as reflected in our country's greatness. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the democracy!—'
"Here Flum was interrupted by Sam Spooner from Boston, who sat at his left, and with a gentle touch on the arm, reminded him in a careless whisper, that Citizen Peabody, although a very unostentatious man, was no democrat; nor was it certain the ladies would all be inclined to father his adoption.