"Flum, somewhat nonplused, allowed a smile of endurance to invade his broad inexpressive face, and rejoined with what he was pleased to consider very nice wit. 'If Citizen Peabody,' said he, 'be not an independent democrat I am exceedingly sorry for it—nothing more being required to make him a perfect man!' At this the company set up one of the very best-natured laughs ever rung out of human organs. Flum, not comprehending its meaning, continued, ere it had subsided—'I hold nothing more imperative than that our generous host, Citizen Peabody, should at once declare his intention of not only becoming a round, sound democrat, but joining the Young American party; which will in truth be a more forcible proof of the purely democratic spirit of that diplomacy he has so worthily founded, and which can now claim so many happy results as its offspring. No system of diplomacy heretofore established has been so redolent of influences tending to strengthen the bonds of international amity; for, indeed, meats and drinks are all-powerful.' Here some indifference was manifested on the part of the English aristocracy present, which, causing a momentary suspension of the speech, produced a very unexpected calm, much to the astonishment of Flum's own dear self. 'Well, I apprehends the gist on't—democracy don't go down, no way, this side the big pond. But, if John is old, and has got his noddle so full of antiquated nonsense that he can't get an idea into his head suited to the exigencies of the times, democracy, with its all-elevating power, will stand by him, give him new sinners to sustain himself, and carry him through those struggles aristocracy has not nerve to surmount.' (Cheers). Having literally illustrated every beauty to which democracy was heir, wasted several well-constructed and not badly directed compliments on General Pierce's patriotism, called upon those present to come boldly out and imitate Young America in all his go-ahead proficiencies, Flum turned to his worship, on which wonderful embodiment of statesmanship and experience he intended to return the compliments that functionary had so flatteringly bestowed. As disappointments will occur, even with the greatest of men, so did Flum find himself totally inadequate to the discharge of this duty. There was, however, a responsibility resting upon him, which he must, considering that it touched that which was an honor to England and the English nation, discharge. It was, that he had to congratulate old England on the possession of such men as his Worship—men born to the exigencies of an age, and in whose charge the distracted affairs of Europe, now threatening the peace of nations, would be sure to find a satisfactory solution. Here his honor made a most appropriate bow in acknowledgment, while a few gentlemen, rather loquaciously disposed, smiled and Miss Mapplebank, from Arkansas, covered her face with her white handkerchief. It was evident to all present that the two greatest men of the two greatest countries had met on a great international platform (the banqueting table), and as the exchange of verdicts upon the capacity of each other only served to make stronger the opinion they had always entertained of themselves, everyone present was ready to throw up his or her hat in compliment of a discovery which must reflect to the great good of nations in general. Flum ended his speech, the mediums had met; international unity was perfect. Mr. Peabody bowed, the great men signified their acknowledgment, the company rose as the general made his last flourish and wiped the sweat from his brow, and all adjourned in the very happiest phase of good humor. Smooth being somewhat modest, and always bashful when in the presence of ladies, did not make his speech until they had left. It may be well to say that Mr. Smooth's speech was gracefully responded to by Citizen Peabody, who expressed himself delighted, and had no doubt but that in the care of Mr. Smooth, General Pierce would make an unexceptional President. After this, gentlemen feeling very jolly, we all adjourned to the gorgeously furnished hall up stairs, where we joined the ladies, partook of most delicious coffee, enjoyed many happy salutations and cordial greetings. The Lord Mayor and Flum having embraced in style truly Roman, and pledged themselves over a cup of coffee, never to lose sight of their own greatness, nor to forget the beneficence of that all-wise Providence that had called them into being to struggle with the great events of the age, the company dispersed homeward, delighted to the very heart. If there was one who did not feel a glow of satisfaction, admonishing him, as he wended his way homeward, to lend his influence for the maintenance of that mutual good feeling which should exist between Englishmen and Americans—between nations so kindred in spirit, and whose interests radiated from a common centre, he must have belonged to a class Smooth would not deign to designate. Citizen George would that England and America shook hands, remained friends, and left the gunpowder and big-word business entirely to newspapers and small politicians of the Pierce stamp.
[CHAPTER XVII.]
SMOOTH LOOKS IN UPON THE MIXED COMMISSION.
"Mr. President Pierce, who was by his friends supposed to be a comical and very small miniature of General Jackson's political school, and whose cabinet was of the Bunkum stripe, intimated to Minister Smooth, in one of the interviews he had with him, which were numerous and very confidential, that in his tour over Europe it might prove profitable to the country in general were he to keep a sharp eye on the movements of a very respectable firm which did business under the name and in the style of Soule, Saunders, and Co.—funny functionaries, who were now cutting figure No. 1, and expecting him (the man Pierce) to cut the smaller figure No. 2. No one personally acquainted with the merits of the aforesaid gentlemen would be surprised to hear that they had threatened kingdoms, emperors, and kings, astonished peoples, and given deluded individuals wonderful opinions of that country which could send such embodiments of its wisdom and spirits to their aid. Indeed, Smooth found himself, while in Europe, made an exception to the generality of Mr. Pierce's diplomatists, whom, it was generally admitted, had either shown spunk or turned gentlemen fighters to no account. It mattered not how much these strange sprigs of capricious Young America misrepresented American manners, education, and sentiments; no, to revolutionary spirits of the real-red order were they the all-great of America's bone and soul. But let us not arouse the gods by recounting their many follies; the generous soul of America has indeed been compelled by them to father many an extravagance; and, too, though more modest, had not Mr. Pierce delegated extensive powers to the Tomkin's family for the very harmless purpose of transacting over the world such business as old Sam had several times declared unnecessary, and which was in opposition to the interests of the nation, the said Sam being expected to pay all the shot. Pierce said Smooth must keep an eye practically to windward in reference to the business this species of gentry were sent to perform. Hence, acting from principle, which was Smooth's motto, and with a full knowledge that Sam was curiously good-natured, had broad and ever open pockets to accommodate that worthy characteristic, which no one thought it any harm to relieve, he gave his (Smooth's) assurance that the charge of neglect never should be laid at his door—that he would watch the Tomkinses! To deny the existence of a singular prompting to kill time over aught that Sam stood sponsor for, was a very good-natured absurdity; few indeed could be found who did not consider him an old foodle, who had fathered more expensive abortions than any other individual, and was willing to father more. How, then, could Mr. Pierce help viewing with suspicion the performances of those tool-grinders he had sent abroad! The amount of kitchen labor he had himself performed and the number of times he had laid on the grindstone to the turning of his man Fourney, formed no excuse; forsooth, it enabled him the more clearly to comprehend the ins and outs of this wholesale style of coming possum over poor old Sam, whose credulity was only surpassed by that fatherly old gentleman, Mr. John Bull, whom millions love to live upon, and spend their lives in getting out his affections and his purse.
"Now John and Jonathan had for many years amused one another with the long-drawn music of diplomacy, played on very expensive keys, made with the express view of settling all ungrateful international growlings. Diplomacy, nevertheless, found these growlings beyond its power to reconcile; and now, having worn out its pipe over them, they were shuffled off upon the genius of a mixed commission, which high convention was expected to exert common sense and forego etiquette, and result in a mutual settlement of all outstanding questions since 1812. But, by a mysterious process, which never fails of effect in such cases, a deal of time had been unprofitably consumed by this supposed immaculate commission. And now the high contracting parties sought an extension, that much more might be consumed in the very same way. Uncle Sam being very good-natured, the request could not be refused.
"Through the Strand to Wellington street, Mister Smooth wended his way, and soon found himself between rows of high and stately buildings, in one of which, all calm and easy, sat the convention. Entering a narrow arch to the right, he passed down a passage so intricate and dark that it had the appearance of leading to a cave, and in a few minutes was confronted by a polite attendant, who ushered him into the presence of the international dignitaries, then sitting round a large square table, in the centre of the room, in moody contemplation. The room was high of ceiling, about twenty-five by eighteen feet in dimensions, and in appearance very well adapted to the pursuit of knowledge, for the display of legal ability. Upon the table, which seemed somewhat infirm, lay in excellent disorder, a few massive books, two green bags, a jacknife, Murray's Grammar, Walker's largest Dictionary, four large pipes, an ample supply of fine-cut tobacco, and sundry very bad writing materials. In one corner of the room spread out a green screen, behind which was various simple but very useful ware; this, together with two extra chairs for strangers, standing at the other corner, constituted the furniture. There was a strong legal air about the table, notwithstanding its promiscuous burden. At the head of it sat like Cicero—but he had none of Cicero's genius in his soul!—a man moody of countenance and portly of person: he was called the Umpire, and they said he was chosen because of his birthplace being America. Some had gone so far as to characterize the choice an evidence that Mr. Bull was inclined to act upon the square, and permit Cousin Jonathan to have it all his own way,—never for once keeping in mind that it mattered but little where a man's birthplace was, if he had long since forgotten the spirit of its institutions. Indeed, as far as sympathy and manners are concerned, an American may be more than an Englishman, and vice versa. Smooth does not mean to insinuate that the case is illustrated in the present functionary, whose face was of that stern cast which at times would lead to believe it unhappy under the fatigue of a too solid body. To this singularly stern face was added a nose, facetious gentlemen might be inclined to call the ripening fruits of good wine, while pervading all was an air of sordidness curiously at variance with the good parts repute asserted he possessed. Smooth would have taken him for a man whose mind was of a mechanical turn; for at times he would become dreamy, his eyes would close within leaden lids, and his body seem prone to cool away into sleep's gentlest embrace. Again he would, as if with much effort, raise those leaden eyelids, draw forth a languid breath, stretch his arms athwart, and, as if 'twere pain, listen to the legal logic boring its dryness into his very soul. The tax did indeed seem beyond his power of endurance.
"Being introduced all round, Smooth commenced the conversation by saying, in a warm and good-natured sort of way:—'Well, Citizens!—how do ye make out to get time over the bank? S'pose it's because Uncle Sam stands at the gangway serving the shot?' They did not seem to brighten up at this remark. It was evidently viewed as rather out of place; for the Umpire quickened his nodding, and the other five functionaries constituting the convention permitted their faces to yield looks by no means significant of good-nature. Quoth, by the way of conventionality, were they right glad to see Minister Smooth; further, they shook him warmly by the hand, and made many inquiries about Pierce and his policy—a thing he never had, hence the impossibility of enlightening them. Mr. Pierce had an eye to Cuba, but no policy whatever with regard to the getting of it: in addition to this, Pierce himself so far defied analyzation that many grave and experienced diplomatists had declared the problem beyond their power to solve.
"Again, our grave conventionists said they had heard it whispered that Minister Smooth (generally called Solomon Smooth, Esq.), being special Minister of Mr. General Pierce to nowhere in particular, had secret instructions to arrange matters for the holding of an extraordinary convention at Ostend; which said convention, being principally composed of very respectable foreign gentlemen, would especially take into consideration the Cuba question, as also the deciding the point as to whether the Spanish spirit of the people of that island would detract from the national purity of Americanism. In the event of Cuba forming an integral part of the federal compact, a grave question would here be involved. Assuring them they were not wrong in their conjectures, Smooth was invited to sit down, in a very honorary position, where, having examined certain papers pertaining to previous proceedings, and passed an undivided approval upon them, he remained in all his dignity, listening with great legal seriousness to the very important case then being argued by General F——, whose eloquence was of the 'rip-roarer' style, and whose tragical flourishes were as terrific as dangerous to the limbs all persons in proximity. Smooth's seat was at the left of the Umpire, that functionary's right being flanked by a gentleman lean of figure and studious of countenance, said to be the American Commissioner, a worthy person of great legal abilities. A little below Smooth sat the compact figure of a man in a genteel garb; an air of amiability sat on his countenance, which ever and anon seemed playful; indeed, the very soul of geniality darted from a pair of large blue eyes that gave great softness to an oval face, nicely outlined in its parts. In a word, he was what might be called a very promising limb of the modernly honorable law profession; nor would our opinion of him have been less exalted had he refrained from the very innocent sport of amusing himself with blowing peas through a quill, which he did in all the playfulness of youth, his head being level with the surface of the table the while. We had never supposed him the British Commissioner but for the assurance of those in possession of stronger proof than we had been permitted to see. A little below him, and with seeming indifference to the arguments of which General F—— was relieving his mind, sat a sharp-featured man, whose lithe figure, clear complexion, quick gray eyes, finely arched eyebrows, well-developed brow, and head, superstructured with a profusion of light Saxon hair, that hung soft and smooth down his neck, an even cut mouth, with thin lips, slightly turned, and disclosing teeth of great regularity and pearly whiteness,—a nose high, sharp, and strictly Grecian, gave him a personel of more than ordinary attractions. Smooth apprehends the reader will not charge him with a diversion when he says that any lady of taste might have become enamored of this gentleman without for a moment subjecting herself to the charge of stupidity. Queen Victoria might, indeed, claim for herself the merit of having done a pretty thing for Cousin Jonathan; for the two pretty gentlemen she had chosen to represent her in the mixed commission bespoke how much she had regarded the value of personal beauty in the settlement of those claims, so long outstanding, and so beset with grave difficulties. Notwithstanding all this, the last gentleman was said to be young, but a clever lawyer. Now a play of the humorous invaded his face; and while from his eye there came out a strong love of the ludicrous, a curl of sarcasm now and then ruffled his lip. They called him the British agent—in other words, the Counsel for Her Most Gracious Majesty. Smooth had no stronger evidence of this fact than that the gentleman seemed very contented with the way time went, amusing himself with making paper spy-glasses,[*] with which he quizzed objects on the floor, then took lunar observations through it, the broad disc of the Umpire's red face affording the medium of a planet. To General F——, who was then in the full pressure of his speech, making his, to him, crushing arguments a legal treadmill for his handsome brother, he seemed a perfect pest, inasmuch as whenever the General had got a real stunner of an argument on the crook of his mind, and just where he would be sure to lose it if the course were not left clear, he was sure to interrupt him with some annoying question, which in most cases amounted to nothing less than disputing the premises assumed. The General had not received these interruptions with so much perturbation but that they were always coupled with a sarcastic leer, the significance of which had not been well directed, nor should ever be indulged in by legal brethren engaged in the settlement of grave international questions. The reader may say:—'who so cruel as to begrudge the legal gentry their little innocent sport!' As the British Cabinet is at times a sort of toy, with which the facetious House of Commons loves to play the game of knockdown (just for the fun of seeing how much trouble it costs the nation to build it up) so the good-natured gentlemen of this mixed commission seemed to view the gravest international questions.
* The writer here describes what he saw, without any attempt at ridicule.