"'I reiterate!' continued General Flum, for it was no less a personage than he who poured out his eloquence to the Convention: 'If the gentleman for t'other side of this question was only to read Kent's Commentaries, or take a peep into one Story's pleadings, 'twould do him more good nor all (we quote verbatim) the stale law he's larned in the Inner Temple—'twould!' Here Flum paused, and majestically turned round, as if to see how his antagonist felt. His legal brother was very quietly pursuing his lunars with the paper tube, expecting soon to work up all the curious angles of the Umpire's face. To properly intersperse this amusement he would now and then bestow a good-natured and very sly wink upon a wag who sat at the opposite side of the table, ever and anon tickling with the feather of his quill the nasal organ of the Secretary, who had just melowed away into a delicious nap. Flum proceeded: 'I mean no disrespect to the proficiency, or to the very high position which my learned brother holds in this Convention; but what will be said by the two governments when it is found that among the great array of cases brought before this high tribunal so few have been settled without a reference to the Umpire? I sincerely believe that did Her Majesty's Councillor exhibit more readiness to meet our demands with a liberal and becoming spirit, many of the cases which have passed before this high tribunal might have been settled with little consumption of time, and at small cost to the nation. I know General Pierce won't like the way things are done here, and how can I doubt, seeing the distinguished person present who represents him in the capacity of special Minister (here Smooth acknowledged the compliment by making one of his very best bows), that he will be made acquainted with the facts.' The Umpire, his countenance quickening, would inform gentlemen that the many personalities and invidious references he had so often heard reminded him rather of the pettifoggers of a police-court than the high representatives of two great governments, met for the purpose of dispassionately discussing the merits of grave international questions. He had become wearied over such a useless waste of time, had purchased a whole library of law books (which he hoped never hereafter to have occasion to use), and must content himself with honor for his recompense. Now he was willing to submit to the world whether there could be any honor conferred upon him by sitting from day to day, listening, at the same time using every effort to keep awake, to the legal cross-shots of gentlemen not inclined to agree to anything. The Umpire ended in a voice deep and musical, drew himself again into his attitude of contemplation, and like an Egyptian Sphinx seemed gravely studious with himself.
"The American Commissioner approved of all that had fallen from the lips of the honorable gentleman. So did the English Commissioner, who suspended his little amusement of the quill and the peas, and commenced examining the pages of his Vattel. Having laid aside the paper spyglass, our English agent rose quickly to his feet, and with eyes darting legal tenacity, said he had a few remarks to make in reply to what he considered had very improperly fallen from the lips of his legal brother. He did not intend disrespect to the very honorable Umpire, nor the gentlemen Commissioners, when he said that the rules on which the business of the Commission had been conducted seemed to him to be a complete mumble, growing deeper and deeper with difficulties. Language had been used in that forum which would be more genially localized in Whitechapel, Drury Lane, St. Giles's, or the Surrey Side: he was sorry to see his transatlantic brother so familiar with the piquant jargon of those atmospheres it were well not to be too familiar with.
"'May it please the Umpire, I ask the protection of this tribunal from any such imputation as the gentleman's insinuation would leave me under,' said the General, almost bursting of anger.
"There seemed to be a nice little difficulty brewing, which threatened a readier dispatch of business than that which had marked their efforts in the settlement of claims outstanding. Here again the Umpire, with the aid of his two Commissioners, interposed for the peace and respectability of Mr. Pierce's family. And here Mr. Smooth is happy beyond his power of expression to state, that after a very few unmeaning explanations, the gentlemen Councillors bowed politely to each other, laughed with buffoonish good-nature, nor seemed a whit less than the very best of friends. 'If General—will proceed with his argument!' said the Umpire, gravely, by way of what writers call parenthesis. 'Then, to the point of this case: now, ye see, the law on our side of the water aint a bit like it is here, on this; 'specially with cases of this kind. This is the case of a vessel with niggers on board, bound from one part of the United States to t'other, but driven by what sailors call stress of weather into a British port called Bermuda, where the natives (report says they are not very enlightened), not having the fear of God before their eyes, nor understanding the constitution of the United States, nor comprehending the principle by which certain democratic States in the free American Union make good property of such things as men, did regardless of the laws of those States, insult the sovereign flag, which was alike the protection of property and citizen, no matter in what part of the world it floated, and set all the niggers free! After consuming an hour in arguments of this stamp, the General claimed to have made out his case, inasmuch as the niggers being property to the laws of the States to which they belonged, and the flag of the United States being absolute in its character of a protection,—no matter under what local jurisdiction,—the claim against England for compensation was as just an one as ever man could present for man; did she withhold payment, it must be at her peril.'
"His legal brother now rose, a good-natured smile playing over his sharp face. Before commencing, he would say he wished his learned brother had taken a more dispassionate view of the case, and laid down a basis of broader principles. Much of the difficulty in settling the many claims that had been presented for adjudication arose from the fact of his learned brother laying down rules to suit his own case, which he would not admit when applied against him. Further, he had not the most faint idea of the nigger question being dragged before this tribunal for adjudication. He had hoped that that question might be left for settlement on the soil of America, where those best acquainted with the evil could most readily find a remedy. But if it were true that the flag was inviolable, and that such was held as law, and regarded in good faith by the federal government of the United States, how came it that certain States in the federal compact so far disregarded the rule as to scoff at the idea of the flag being superior to the municipal regulations of the port; invade the decks of British vessels, regardless of the flag; and drag from beneath its folds British citizens, whom they incarcerated and made criminals merely to suit the caprices of a municipal statute? Strange indeed was it for a nation great as was the American to lay down a principle of foreign policy the action of which could only be allowed when it suited the immediate interests of that nation, and was rejected when it came in collision with them. He would tell the learned representative of that nation, that the spirit manifested in such a course to him 'seemed more to comport with that specious style of conducting business better understood among hucksters!' Here the man of the American side of the house evinced some excitement, and quickly rising to his feet, said he would not stand silently by and hear such imputations cast upon his house, country, and people. The judiciary of the United States could not be impugned—none was purer; while the foreign policy of the United States stood out a model for the nations of Europe to pattern from. A counter interruption again took place. The Umpire drew a long breath; the good-looking English Commissioner heaved a sigh, and again commenced amusing himself with the quill; the sedate American Commissioner yawned, and turned contemplatively the leaves of a commentary; to end, they all seemed seized with the yawning fever, which was kept up until they laughed right earnestly at one another, the handsome gentleman stretching his arms athwart, and making a hideous grimace. At length this state of things was put an end to by the Umpire, who did hope gentlemen would see, in his dinner hour having arrived, the necessity of either resting the arguments here, or postponing them for another day.
"In rejoining, her Majesty's sharp featured Councillor having pronounced a high eulogium on his Honor's power of endurance, and the onerous duties imposed upon him by the Governments which he so nobly sought to serve, and from whom the mere honor afforded but a meagre compensation, (inasmuch as he felt convinced the proverbial ingratitude of Governments would be carried out in their not even compensating him for the large outlay he had been constrained to make in law books) hoped he might be permitted to make a few more remarks. His honor bowing assent, the well-looking legal gentleman, in blandest accents, proceeded to say Jonathan must not lay a foundation for others he was first to knock down; for if a rule applied to great principles it must not be made subservient to small exigencies of an opposite character: Jonathan must bow to his own stumbling-blocks. It did, however, seem that this Commission had been viewed by certain parties as a sort of ola podra; before which deluded persons thought nothing more certain than that their manifold grievances would be patiently heard, their claims find a ready settlement, and their family affairs all be handsomely arranged. There had been men from the coast of Africa seeking a protection under cousin Jonathan's wing, by which their demands on Old John were to them certain of being paid. There were good men from Manchester, who, forgetting their anti-slavery sentiment's, sought a relationship with our noble cousin which dated from previous to 1812, and under the shadow of his wings now sought to make the rascally Britishers pay for certain slaves frittered away from them while residing in Georgia, during the last war. There too, were noble Dukes and Earls presenting claims against our cousin for certain lands in Florida, presented long since to them by some imbecile king, who would upon the same style of conditions, have given away the whole Continent. The said gentlemen had long since forgotten the titles, and were only reminded of them by the existence of this Commission. English gentlemen from Mexico sought, through the virtues of this Commission, pay for property appropriated by General Scott during the Mexican war. Pensionless widows thought it the grand centre of generosity, and sought through it compensation for dead husbands. Holders of Mississippi bonds regarded it a perfect El Dorado, at the shrine of which those long repudiated mementoes would be duly paid, hopes and angry passions requited, and old Mississippi herself again, as bright as a new-coined Jackson cent: and last, but not least, gentlemen with very credulous and speculative faculties, and who held the most doubtful species of Florida bonds, had made their hearts glad on the certain payment of them by the Commission. 'In a word,' said the learned Councillor, 'nothing can be more certain to my mind (and I am borne out in the belief by the variety and character of the claims presented to this Commission) than that the whole world is beginning to look on our worthy transatlantic cousin as the most generous, if not the most credulous, fellow extant! Whether his model friend George Saunders, can take to himself any merit for having created this now very general opinion in Europe (by virtue of his most extraordinary circulars), Smooth is unable to decide; but certain is it that every disaffected subject on the continent who can get up spleen enough to fancy himself a much injured republican—' Here General F—— interrupted, by submitting to the honorable Umpire whether these remarks were not gratuitous, irrelevant, and improper. The Umpire, having given his opinion that they were unduly long (extending a whole hour beyond his dinner-time), begged the gentleman would turn the key to his concluding remarks. 'I have only another remark to make,' rejoined the gentleman with the sharp face: 'If Sydney Smith had lived, there would have been more wit and sarcasm levelled at this mixed Commission than would have filled an octavo volume. I cannot forbear to say, however, that strange as is the character of many of these demands, claims, and grievances, some of them might have been settled without such a deplorable waste of time, had it not been for the interference of that phantom devil, Mr. General Pierce's black pig, who is always construing principles to suit his purposes. So avaricious is that animal, that no amount of swill seems to pacify his desire to overthrow principles and defeat great objects. No place would seem too obscure for the brute to get his nose into; no demands too egregious for his appetite; no rights too daintily established for his disregard. He is here, there, and everywhere—demanding with the same ferocious spirit. We had hoped Mr. General Pierce would keep him at home during the deliberations of this Convention: let us console our disappointment by trusting to what the future may bring forth.' Here the Umpire's patience was at an end—patience no longer remained with him a virtue. He rose moodily from his seat, said the sitting would adjourn until to-morrow, and betook himself to his dinner, which he added he feared would get as cold as the gentlemen's pleas. This was rather abruptly bringing matters to a close. The legal gentlemen, as if disturbed elsewhere than in their thoughts, looked terror-stricken, packed up their law tools, shouldered their green bags, and, in the company of Mr. Smooth, sought a place whereat to bestow good care on the inner temple. Smooth, with all deference to the opinions of the very respectable gentlemen of the mixed Commission, begs to inform his readers, and Mr. Pierce in particular, that they never will catch him looking in upon them again.
[CHAPTER XVIII.]
SMOOTH RECEIVES THE DOCUMENTS, AND CALLS A CONGRESS AT OSTEND.
"Several months having passed, during which no further instructions from the General came to hand, I began to think he had forgotten my mission, and taken himself to dieting on gunpowder and War-Messages for the next Congress. Then I received a private note from his boy Caleb, in which he stated very confidentially that everything was waiting the next turn in the Brigadier's mind. Caleb's letter discovered much impatience with his position, and a good many sly remarks which were intended as a hit at Marcy and his budget. I should tell the reader that an additional cause of my anxiety was the not receiving a reply to a private and confidential note to Pierce, in which I remonstrated with him against the propriety of holding a thing so open to base ridicule as a Congress of American Ministers at Ostend. That fraternity of infallibility, kings and princes, might become somewhat uneasy at its presence, many honest-hearted republicans would be deceived, and its result be only the illustration of an unprecedented amount of folly on the part of the American Executive. But the thing was a great pet with Caleb, Jeff, and Pierce, who knew that Marcy would have to father the abortions, which were generally laid at his door. With all these very natural difficulties before me, I decided to charter the next Collins steamer, and proceed to the White House, there to learn in person what the boys were doing. I was anxious to know what had become of Pierce and Papa—whether Papa was yet administering the pap-spoon to the General, by way merely of counteracting the effect of the charcoal being piled on by the boys—Jeff and Caleb. Now, lest there should be any one in Washington unwilling to separate Smooth's better inclinations from the general character of the Convention to be holden, he would here say that the very best of his abilities were exerted with the General against the policy of making his Ministers cut so ridiculous a figure in Europe. He knew also that Monsieur Souley would take upon himself all the cooking business, and have it all his own way, as they say in England.