"One morning, while consoling myself with the prospect of soon leaving Europe, its aristocracy, its blighting kingcraft, and its squabbles, who should confront me but grandfather Steady, a monster despatch under his arm, on which loomed out in all its scarlet the great seal of the State Department. Steady had recognized 'Confidential' on the envelope, and bore it to me safely ensconced beneath the ample skirts of his coat. 'Something of great importance for Minister Smooth!' said he, making a very diplomatic bow as he extended the packet, made his compliments, and retired. Steady having disappeared, I opened the packet, and, equally surprised with the reader, what should I find but a State document of great dimensions, commissioning Smooth without further delay to call together at Ostend, or such other place on the continent of Europe as was celebrated for its pure air and good liquors, a Congress of American Ministers! Three several times did the commission reiterate—'Pure air and good liquors!' as if the tastes of the very respectable gentlemen forming the Congress made such adjuncts inseparable from the prime object of their deliberations. For some time did I exert my most mature deliberations to get the diplomacy of the thing square into my head, which I thought was more than had been done by the State Department. Well, you better believe it was a puzzle! It was so Dutch, as we say. I was directed particularly to consult my old and much-tried friend, James Buckhanan, whose sanction and presence at the gathering was necessary, as well for the purpose of imparting an air of dignity to the Convention as counteracting the fast spirit of those gentlemen, who had gained a doubtful notoriety through their extensive dealings in cheap popularity. Marcy added, in a private and confidential note, that he felt inclined to question the policy of inviting certain gentlemen, but as a matter of etiquette it could not be foregone; and then he was anxious to keep peace in the house, I was ordered to bag Buckhanan, and, if against his will, carry him captive; to summon Monsieur Souley, who was an excellent cook, not a bad fighting man, but a diplomatist fit only for the small work of the carbonari; to dispatch Mason, who they said was cultivating his French, with the hope of being up in the language of diplomacy in the course of six years more; to enjoin Mr. Fay, well known in Switzerland for his love of quiet life; to inveigle Mr. Belmont, who at the Hague had taken upon himself the reforming his brother Israelites, and turning to account sundry Dutch bonds; to do as I pleased with Mr. Daniels, who had sustained the character of America by affecting contempt for all the aristocratic snobs about Turin, who would to his annoyance crowd themselves into his opera-box, and make too free with his fair favorite; to be sure and capture Mr. Jackson, through whose courteous and dignified demeanor America was making herself respected at Vienna; to send an escort for Mr. Spence, who had endeared himself to his fellow-countrymen in Constantinople; and to send a jackass for Mister O'Sullivan, who had at Lisbon become celebrated for his misfortunes at bagatelle and chess—to drum them all together for the one grand object. As for Seymour, Pierce thought it not good policy to disturb him, seeing that nothing had been heard from him since he found his way to St. Petersburg. With such spirits as these, Europe could not fail to be astonished; and then, when it was borne in mind that the consideration of its distracted affairs was the object No. I of such a Convention!
"While calmly cogitating the first and last move in the getting up of the thing, my lodgings, '42, Bennet street, St. James's,' were invaded by the man Dudley, who declared himself a special minister of Mr. Pierce, who sent him as envoy in general to Mr. Smooth, under whose directions he would proceed to get together the Congress at Ostend. I examined his credentials carefully, and finding them of Mr. Pierce's legitimate stripe, commenced comparing notes and arranging the preliminaries. He said, Pierce told him I would have a hard tug with old Buck, who was like an aged turtle, and never moved until a great deal of fire was applied to his back: but then his friends said he was fast, once he got going! Notwithstanding Buck had very confidently told a friend or two there was no understanding Pierce, Pierce said he understood him, and, with Saunders to lend a hand, the getting steam on him would not be so much of a job, after all. I must here say to the reader that we had not long proceeded with our conversation before the fact that our man Dudley was commissioned to play the part of Corporal Noggs to the fire-eating portion of the Cabinet, at the small end of which Mister Pierce was appended, discovered itself. This fact fully established, I sat down and commissioned him, first—to keep his mouth shut; secondly, to proceed immediately to the Continent and get together the boys; thirdly, to enjoin upon every one the necessity of declaring the object of the Convention to be the relief of mankind in general; and fourthly, to be careful while in France that none of Consul Saunders' epistles to all oppressed citizens were found in his pocket,—that functionary being held as the great revolutionary star, sent from the West to move the dead waters of an Eastern world.
"Having dispatched the man Dudley on his mission, with many bows and much esteem for his high consideration of my position, and acting on the intimation from Pierce, I packed up my portfolio, and in a Hansom cab made the best of my way to 56, Harley street,—a large mansion, in one of the back rooms of which they said my esteemed friend James Buckhanan had for some time past been burrowed. That is, Mrs. Sprat, who knew all the gossip of the legation, declared such to be the fact. She saw very little indeed of the 'Governor,' whom she believed smothered in his diplomacy, for he appeared never to want anything but the spittoon, and now and then, at long intervals, a clean pair of stockings. Arriving at the door, I rang lustily the bell, and soon there appeared a very stiff flunky, in democratic livery of bright colors, who bowed me into a great hall, and after grinning at me for about a minute, said he reckoned I was a citizen o' the United States. 'From Vermont, I take it?' he continued, in quick succession. I told him it was no matter about that; if he had no objection I would take a look at his governor. While I was deliberating, the best-looking 'yellow fellow' outside of Carolina made his appearance, and immediately commenced taking charge of me. He said he understood diplomacy all up, (having studied dancing and attended Mrs. Sprat's tea-parties for more than two years!) and would put me through if I said the word. Then he added, with a sang froid that seemed quite grateful, that though he wasn't exactly governor of the establishment, he would show me up to the man who was, and under whose dictation Mr. Buckhanan had for peace sake accepted a fifth-rate position. On my motioning him to proceed (he seemed much inclined to affect a good deal of etiquette) the fellow led off, through a long dark passage, crowded with empty Genessee flour barrels, champagne baskets, boxes of cast off pipes (breathing redolent of tobacco), decrepit arm-chairs, old foils and boxing-gloves, numerous empty beer-bottles, a lot of worn-out dancing slippers, and a quantity of second-hand nightgowns and side-saddles. What use diplomacy had for these abused relics we leave the reader to conjecture. Opening a door on the left, my guide with a bow accompanying a graceful bend of the body, ushered me into a spacious room, with the announcement:—'A gemman fum de States, Mr. Prompt!' No Mr. Prompt could I see, such was the state of the atmosphere. In fact, I was set upon by a perfect fog of tobacco smoke.
"'Well, stranger—glad to see ye this side the big pond!' croaked out a little sharp voice, peculiarly nasal. I replied I thought it was rather foggy about these diggins. 'No matter about that,' he rejoined, 'we do clean business in this establishment, notwithstanding the puffing, we deem it necessary to keep up in diplomatic matters.' The atmosphere clearing a little, and objects becoming bolder outlined, I discovered a figure so singularly lean and sharp of visage that you would have sworn him peculiarly adapted by Providence for cutting his way into a better world. Upon the walls of the rooms, which were very dingy, hung suspended, tomahawks, bowie-knives, scalping-knives, bows and steel-pointed arrows, an innumerable variety of dressed scalps, much worn Indian uniforms, and various other things—all adapted to Western warfare. Here and there stood sundry reed chairs and cronic tables, of Florida pine, while the floor was very liberally set off with what are vulgarly called spit-boxes, which, unlike the pages of an antiquated Bible that lay neglected in one corner, had been very generally used. Smooth would here say that such adjuncts as the latter, seemed to be, judging from their presence in all our Legations on the Continent, inseparable from Pierce diplomacy. In the present case there were, in addition to the above-named fixtures, seventeen patent rat-traps, with which members of the Legation amused themselves when not invited to dancing parties. Smooth could not help thinking there was no need of the latter pieces of furniture, while Mr. Prompt, the sharp gentleman, was in the establishment. Indeed, Mrs. Grundy would have said he was sharp enough to be used as an instrument for splitting the nicest diplomatic points; while the promiscuous relics of antiquity arranged along the passage she would have sworn illustrated nothing so nicely as Pierce's confused policy, the saddles being indicative of how easily he rode over the credulity of the people.
"In the centre of the room stood a five-legged round table, somewhat nervous and infirm of age. Upon it stood, badly arranged, two tumblers of Cuba sixes, an ample stock of fine cut tobacco, about a dozen long and much discolored pipes, a spacious ash-box, and the dirty boots of Prompt, his lean figure sprawled back in a dilapidated arm-chair, a long nine in his mouth, from which he incessantly puffed an immense volume of smoke. Prompt's face was a perfect picture of edge-tools; and with his easy air generally, his hands stowed away in the ample pockets of his nether garments; his passion for the Byronic—made known by the extravagant roll of a turn-down shirt collar—and his bushy hair thrown back on a veiny and narrow forehead that seemed to have been cut away to fit his hat, had an appearance easily imagined by those who have witnessed in New Hampshire the general make-up of an itinerant stump orator. I bowed as he cast his eyes along down my figure, and gave a friendly wink. 'From York State, I take it?' he continued. I replied I had been in York State, but was born on Cape Cod. 'Well,' he rejoined, 'don't matter where a feller's born nor grow'd, only he's got the right sort o' bone and siners in him.' The general appearance of things had mightily changed since I last visited the place—in truth, I could scarcely believe my own eyes. Mr. Prompt now drew forth a handful of long nines, said he never liked to smoke alone, and invited me to join him. I excused myself as well as I could, adding that I had no small vices. The truth was, the spit-boxes, and rat-traps, and a large supply of tobacco, looked so suspicious, that I was at a loss how to comport myself: I feared I had got into the wrong box. 'Anyhow,' said Mr. Prompt, 'bring yourself to a mooring—remember we treat all citizens alike here—and be quite at home in the establishment. Smooth, I believe, is the name?' He looked at my card as I bowed, expecting every moment to see him rise from his easy posture. With a sort of languid endurance he said the establishment was at my service—that anything I desired would be put through like Jehu. A set of snobby fellows, he said, had for a number of years made a den of aristocracy of the place, but the aspect of things had been changed now to suit the good fellow-spirit of our institutions. Here he drew a deformed hat over his forehead, and let fly a moist projectile; which, instead of taking effect in a box of saw-dust, expanded ineffectually upon the face of a female dog-iron. I suggested that it warn't so bad a shot. He replied, he reckoned—Just at this moment the full yellow face of the negro protruded itself into the doorway. 'Mas'r,' he ejaculated, 'dat's da geman (pointing to Prompt, whose face was seen to contract) what do up all da plomacy ob dis establishment.' The yellow face withdrew behind the green baize. All this time I had been careful not to disclose to Mr. Prompt that I was minister in general to Mr. Pierce.
"'Citizen,' said he, continuing his cigar, 'that ar nigger's sassy enough for three legations. Pierce sent him here;—for what, no one about the establishment can tell. Anyhow, seeing it's you, I was about giving out an idea of what an interminable muddle Pierce would get everything into if he had but his own way; but, as there isn't time now, and as you won't join me in a cigar, suppose we send out and have a first-rate brandy-smash?'
"This I respectfully declined; I thought it would give him so much trouble. Indeed, he said there was so much to do about the establishment, and nobody to do it except himself. In reply to a question, he said, the governor—meaning Mr. Buckanan—had worked himself out, and was laid away to dry. At present he alone constituted the establishment. There used to be a secretary (the salary, he had reason to believe Uncle Sam yet paid) but nothing had been seen of him for several months: when last heard from, he was entering into a partnership with Monsieur Souley for the purchase of Cuba, at any price. As for the attaches, one got no pay, and was expected by the government to do a deal of work, while the amount paid to the other was so small that he very wisely spent it in cab-hire to see the sights, which it just covered. One might be almost sure of seeing the former gentleman on the approach of a court concert, while the presence of the other at the legation prognosticated the advent of a drawing-room. In fact, Mr. Prompt said, with considerable logic, that when people were only half paid they were sure to do nothing. As for himself (here he smiled, and commenced a new cigar), why he did up the diplomacy of the establishment by the job—that is, he absorbed in his lean person the functions of minister plenipotentiary, secretary of legation, and gentlemanly attaches. And for the performance of their duties (the pickings were not worth mentioning) he would, at the end of a few years, make out his account against Uncle Sam, whom he was sure was too straightforward and generous not to allow it. 'Fact is, stranger,' he reiterated with great assurance, 'I am almost worked to death here.' A monster gray cat having entered the room, and inspected curiously the several rat-traps, Mr. Prompt, as if much annoyed, drew himself with great effort from the crippled chair, and drove her unceremoniously out of the room, accompanying her retreat with Peters on diplomacy. 'Then, Mr. Prompt,' said I, 'may I consider myself entirely in your hands?' Again spreading his boots on the table, and languidly elongating his lean body, he replied, 'nothin shorter!' In answer to a question, he said he could fix me out with anything—from a passport to a grindstone. In fact, he was a man of universal qualities, and could accommodate the needy with almost anything. He could issue a passport for the infernal regions; he could give a card to dine with old Jones when one got there; and by way of facilitating matters, lend him a saddle to ride there. I admitted he was exceedingly generous, and well calculated to bring out all the various functions known to diplomacy; but, having no taste for the sport he proposed, intimated my preference for a box at the Opera, or an invitation to dine with her Majesty. 'Well, I do declare,' says Prompt, who was seized with a very troublesome cough, 'if you ain' got a-head on me there!' Seeing his confusion, I begged he would pardon the intimation. In reply, he good-naturedly drawled out, 'them things, somehow, don't come within the privileges of this establishment. Can accommodate ye with a box at the Theatre Royal, Westminster—play the very best sort of patent farces in that national place of amusement. Then they've an audience so forbearing, that it makes no matter what they play, and the fun of that establishment beats bull-fighting all holler. Should the low-comedy man some call Pam, and his walking gentleman, John, chance to have steam up, you will be sure to get your money's worth. Take my word, said he: Covent Garden and Drury Lane are but dull show shops compared with it.' Again I thanked Mr. Prompt for his kindness, and told him I would wait till the next bull-baiting came off—understanding from good authority that such amusing spectacles in that house had frequent possession of the boards. Did I want to revel in the sights and dark places of London, Mr. Prompt said I had better wait the return of the absent secretary, which could not be more than six months hence.