The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

by Timothy Templeton

"As we entered the port of Ostend, once so celebrated for the defence of its garrison, a salute of thirteen guns was fired from the old fort, which we attempted to answer with a rusty swivel, Buck waving his hat, and singing 'Yankee Doodle' to the burghers who filed along the dilapidated dyke. As the steamer neared a landing-place, we descried the coarse figure of Corporal Noggs, surrounded by numerous of his fellow citizens, prominent among whom was Monsieur Souley and the Chevalier Belmont. In addition to these welcoming spirits, there came also a Dutch band, which, ere we had made fast alongside, struck up something they intended for Hail, Columbia! The reader will please appeal to his imagination as to what our reception must have been, when I tell him that shouts and huzzas, interspersed with this discordant 'Hail Columbia!' rent the very air, and made faint the roaring of the steam from the funnel of our little craft. Boxes one, two, and three, were now sent forward under an escort to the hotel, while a triumphal chair secured to two long poles was placed in proper order for the reception of my friend Buck. Rather against his inclination, and not without expressing some doubt as to the propriety of displaying so much pageantry in a foreign country, was he packed into it by Monsieurs Souley and Belmont. Corporal Noggs now formed in order the procession, which moved in state through the city, headed by the band playing the 'Rogue's March,' which it mistook for 'Yankee Doodle.' Such a funny procession! The reader may imagine the figure cut by my venerable friend, when I tell him that the triumphal chair was borne on the shoulders of Monsieurs Souley, Belmont, Daniels, and O'Sullivan—the two former being in the lead. Close in the rear of the chair, your humble servant, Smooth, took up his position, riding a female jackass, an animal domesticated by Monsieur Souley, under whose saddle she had borne up until the flesh was nearly off her bones. This was tapered off with an everlasting string of seedy citizens, for whom an innumerable quantity of goats seemed to have a fellow sympathy, so close did they follow. At the hotel, from the balcony of which streamed the stars and stripes, the uproar and confusion was beyond description. Could some of the old burghers have risen from the tomb, they might have imagined a modern siege of that city they so nobly defended in times gone by. Staggering and sweating, the four envoys bore their precious burden to the great porch, whence he was escorted to the balcony, upon which he stood, like a Roman of old, and, by the advice of Monsieur Souley, delivered a stunning speech, that versatile functionary translating it into Dutch. It will scarcely be necessary to add that the speech proved a decided hit, and was received with shouts and acclamations. Not a little done over, the old statesman was now regaled on delicious krout and gin-slings, and put carefully to bed by a Dutch chambermaid. This was at three o'clock in the afternoon. At seven I marshalled all hands for a grand banquet, which had been prepared without any regard to expense, it being intimated that Uncle Sam would settle for the whole thing.

"Fresh and refreshed we all appeared ready for action, and as bright as could possibly be expected after such a fatigue. The table was set out in grand style; indeed, it literally groaned under every delicacy of the season—not excepting krout, the glows of which impregnated the atmosphere. Buck said he would sit opposite the krout; but that was objected to, on the ground of his eating so much as to change the tone of his speech, which was expected to be more than usually spirited. After so little opposition from Monsieur Souley, who wanted the place himself, it was voted that I should take the chair. Of course I could not refuse the honor; but in order to illustrate the three principles of our political policy, I was cautious to stipulate that Buck sit on my right and Monsieur Souley on my left. Here we were—steady, very steady, and very fast. Belmont insinuated, rather ironically, that Buck could no longer be considered of the steady school; in fact, Saunders had so cultivated his component parts that he might now, without any fear of contradiction be put down as remarkably fast. I need scarcely add that the viands were discussed with great gusto, Monsieur Souley absorbing so much of the fricasee frog that his glossy black hair, which had before beautifully undulated over his shoulders, now curled tighter, his eyes sparkled brighter, his face became more olive, and his periods more intensely French. O'Sullivan, too, had procured some capital Irish whiskey, which he said he already felt in his boots. At ten o'clock there was a general secession of knife and fork, and a resort to the less tasteful amusement of speech-making. Souley, however, had all the while said all manner of things about, and brought all sorts of charges against Louis Napoleon, whose government he denounced in very general terms, not dreaming that that shrewd sovereign had introduced two spies in the capacity of waiters. The cloth being removed, Monsieur rose, considering he was in duty bound, and commenced throwing off the rounded sentences of the first part of a very long speech,—at one moment denouncing princes and kings in general, and in the next threatening to smother Spain with an interesting exposition of her perfidy. Her puppet government was a base mockery; he said Espartero had grossly deceived him!—Here he was brought to a stand by Mr. O'Sullivan, 'It's meself thinks the gintleman 's about debatin matter what 'll cum afore the Convention to-morrow,' interposed that gentleman. Monsieur Souley replied somewhat tartly: he hoped the gentleman from Ireland would not interrupt him. Order! was now called for on every side, and an appeal made to the chair, without whose interposition a savage encounter must have resulted. The whole company were now on foot, interposing for peace; nor had I time to assert my authority, when, decanters of port and claret standing close at hand, Souley seized one, and O'Sullivan the other, as if for weapons of mortal combat, and commenced a series of threatening menaces. The waiters were not accustomed to such feints, and one, before we were conscious, of it had run down stairs and alarmed the house. Landlord, servants, and a whole troup of police, came rushing into the hall, as the two gentlemen of Verona, revealing the joke, made the politest bows over their glasses, which they gracefully emptied. I was about deciding that Monsieur Souley's language was decidedly personal, when he proclaimed his determination to postpone his speech until to-morrow. He would however, conclude by proposing a toast, which he need scarcely add would be heartily responded to by every one present. He would propose the health of the venerable statesman on the chairman's right—a man who had long and worthily maintained the highest rank among his country's statesmen, and whose opinions (although he differed with them at times) were world-wide! (Great sensation). Mr. Buckhanan now rose, evidently affected by the immensity of the cheers. His mien was at once dignified, and when contrasted with the promiscuous countenances that surrounded him, wore an air singularly American. He began by saying he was happy to say he did not feel himself a stranger in a strange land. (This being translated into Dutch by Monsieur Souley, the invited guests present received it with loud acclamations). We read the same books; we were animated by a kindred love of liberty; we spoke the same language; we enjoyed the same immunities of a constitutional government; and that spirit which animated us to fight for liberty had its origin in the same stock! Here Mr. Belmont interposed by reminding the venerable statesman that the Dutch of Pennsylvania and New York could not be said properly to represent the whole American Union. Order being demanded and restored, Mr. Buckhanan apologised for the grave error, which he charged to the delicious quality of the krout. He seemed unconscious of what he had been saying, and suddenly became aware that he had mistaken his theme, and was letting off the big end of his model speech, with which he had so often entertained his friends at feeds given by sundry Lord Mayors of London. The joke was too good; the old man could not suppress a laugh at his own mistake, and sat down, intimating that as he would have something to say to-morrow he would now bring his speech to a close. (Uproarious applause). Again Monsieur Souley rose, and amid shouts of—'question!' said the question was of no kind of consequence, that he always went on the principle of making himself heard. Further attempts to rein up Monsieur Souley would have been sheer madness; so he continued his speech, which included fifty irrelevant topics without discussing one. He even charged Louis Napoleon with poisoning the champagne. Whatever of truth there might be in the charge, we only know that the speaker ere he had concluded his speech found himself standing alone, the whole Congress having dropped off into a profound sleep. Becoming indignant at this display of indifference, he stopped suddenly, commanded the waiters to wake up the sleepers, and himself commenced an uproar by smashing the tumblers and decanters, after the fashion of a French fiddler in for a frolic. The company with one accord offered an apology, joined in drinking the health of the speaker, charged the delinquency to the strength of the poisoned champagne rather than that of the speech—(which was narcotic, rather), and adjourned to meet in Duitenethipicgnisher's Hall, at twelve o'clock on the following morning. I must not omit to inform the reader that those who were unable to see their way up stairs were carried there by the waiters. Smooth, as a matter of course, had no bricks in his hat.

"Bright and early on the following morning I tumbled out, made a hasty toilet, and set about waking up the Congress of sleepers. Souley I found in a sad plight; Buck was snoring like great guns; O'Sullivan I thought had either been dreaming of the Pampero expedition, or taken too much whiskey during the delivery of Monsieur Souley's speech; Belmont had made a pillow of his Dutch bonds—indeed the only specimen of humanity up and moving was Corporal Noggs, who expressed his anxiety to know what Marcy would say were he an eye-witness to the preliminaries. As for Pierce! it mattered little what he thought, he being a mere cypher among the boys. Having succeeded in moving the Congress we sallied out to view those suburbs so full of historical lore. To our surprise we were surrounded wherever we went by a clamorous and grotesque crowd of discontented individuals, each bearing a document in his or her hand, on which was prominently described the great seal of the United States of America. For a time the mystery involved seemed as undefinable as the jargon of the motley group. Indeed, the whole city seemed not only agog, but panic stricken. Nor was its influence confined to any class. It had delved alike into the palace of the king and cabin of the burgher. Wherever a delegate made his appearance he was sure to be followed or surrounded by a clamorous group, pouring forth its jargon in a rhapsody of praise to America, which singularly enough they supposed had sent the first instalment of her intention to overthrow the dynasties of Europe, and relieve mankind in general. Monsieur Souley, whom they happily mistook for a Greek, was the only member of the Congress exempt from the annoyance.

"A little more light was soon reflected on the mystery! Saunders had inundated the city—not with his promised bombshells: his missile was more alarming, but less dangerous. Having ingeniously changed the object of a very long epistle, he dedicated it to the French people instead of the Austrian Emperor. The mould of its dictum was decidedly strong; but in order to add more point he gave his periods a peculiar slant, at the head of Napoleon the Third. That a fellow-feeling as lasting as the mountain chain existed between the French and American peoples, there was, according to the circular, not a doubt. In reference to other heads, there were strong doubts! The Congress now assembling was an earnest of what he said: that august body George strongly recommended to the esteem of all aggrieved citizens. Did any one doubt the genuineness or the national character of these epistles he had but to refer to the great seal on their front, which was none other than that of the Legation at London.

"The reader may now easily imagine our increasing difficulties. On proceeding to the Hall at the appointed time, I found our Ministers in a general state of alarm. Souley had received a private and very confidential letter from his agent in Paris, forewarning him of Louis Napoleon's intention to descend upon the Congress, perform a coup-d'etat, and having nicely bagged the game, appropriate it to his own table. In view of this, Monsieur Souley recommended an adjournment to a more congenial atmosphere. Messrs. Buckhanan and Belmont rising together, objected to any such movement, inasmuch as it would discover a spirit of weakness, to guard against which Uncle Caleb and Master Fourney had given express instructions. Here a long cross-fire of discussion ensued. I thought it had neither head nor tail, and was something after the order of what Mr. Pierce conceived to be the object of this Congress, for it resulted in nothing, the speakers all agreeing to withdraw what they had said. As a first move to the organization of the body, it was agreed that Hanz Voghnine, who was privileged to open a bar for the sale of good liquors in one corner of the hall, would be the only outsider admitted. Hanz was accordingly examined in reference to his being a spy; the result being satisfactory, he was enjoined to keep nothing but a first-rate article. On the second balloting I found myself elected President, which high distinction, having been conducted to the chair amidst soul-stirring acclamations, I acknowledged in what is generally termed a neat and appropriate speech. Noggs was at the first ballot elected Sergeant-at-Arms and door-keeper in general, the duty of which offices he promised to fill to the very best of his abilities. A vagrant-opinion was rife that Monsieur Souley would have filled the office of door-keeper much better, himself being so easily opened and shut. However, as Noggs had been voted the office, we all reconciled ourselves to the selection, each member providing himself with a gin-sling, and taking his seat. A silence, as of the tomb, prevailed, while I rose to open the proceedings of the first day. I first made my own bow, then drew forth the State paper commissioning me to call together 'this august body.' Mr. O'Sullivan suggesting it was agreed that there being out so many documents of a similar character the reading was rendered unnecessary. I bowed to the decision. A similar fate awaited an attempt to read several of Mr. Pierce's private opinions. Mr. Buckhanan said we better hear what Pierce had to say, and then make up our minds as to whether it was entitled to the consideration of 'this important body.' Monsieur Souley replied, with great fervency, that it were better Pierce be left entirely out of the question, and the Congress proceed to deliberate on its own hook. A good many dissenting voices here interposed; but the speaker, very pertinaciously, said he had the floor, and was prepared to discuss the question with any gentleman (here he turned a meaning glance at Buck) disposed to accept the challenge. The dread of a lengthy speech brought gentlemen to their senses: rather than endure it they agreed that Pierce should be left entirely out. It was, now generally expected that Monsieur Souley would sit down. No such intention had he. Turning to me, he bowed, and said: 'Your Excellency will observe, that as the order in which the many questions to come before this Congress has not been produced, and the question of the acquisition of Cuba to the United States being the most important one in the schedule, I move that the order be suspended, and that the discussion of that all-important subject be commenced.' Souley was inclined, I saw, to absorb time very unprofitably. I was about to pronounce him out of order, when there came a loud knocking at the door, followed by a band attempting to play a Dutch medley. The door was immediately thrown open. Ten citizens, savage and hairy of visage entered, to the consternation of the Congress assembled. One of their number advanced, having exchanged the countersign with Noggs; but he failed to make himself understood until Monsieur Souley politely tendered his aid, introducing him in succession to every one present. They were, according to the rendering of Monsieur, a deputation from the 'Very ancient and honorable order of Red Republicans,' who, having become aware of the many grand objects for which our Congress was convened (as set forth in the circular of the great Saunders), had appeared before it to pray that their grievances might be duly redressed and themselves reinstated in the government of France. Monsieur Souley made a speech of more than ordinary length on the subject, which he brought to a close by calling upon the President (me) not to permit this patriotic body of suffering men to depart without an assurance that their case would receive immediate attention. This I did in the very best manner possible, adding that Hanz might treat them to gin-slings all round. This done, Monsieur politely bowed them into the street, the last bow being his very best. The reader will by this time have discovered that Monsieur Souley constituted the Congress and Mr. Pierce thrown in.

"Scarcely had the deputation of very ancient and honorable red republicans taken itself into the street, when entrance was demanded by a deputation from 'The Hopeful Order of Polish Exiles.' The individuals constituting it were lighter of person and complexion than the reds; and, too, there was about them an air of melancholy which at once touched the tender of my feelings. They bore with them a long petition, and humbly but devoutly prayed America to make their cause her own (here they produced several of Saunders' circulars): they asked only to enlist in her bond of brotherhood. Long had they waited the coming of this day—the day when she would invade Europe, and fight the battle of Liberty against despotism. Sweet was the recollection of a fatherland; to them it became sweeter as they contemplated that great star of liberty all powerful in the West. They spoke Scandinavian in silvery accents. Monsieur Souley's genius was for once at fault: he spoke only French, Dutch, and bad Spanish, rendering it necessary to call in the aid of Hanz, who, having rendered it into Dutch, Monsieur did the rest. Dismissing this very distinguished deputation with a positive assurance that their case should be at once referred to the great George Saunders, nothing more was required. 'I would suggest,' spoke Mr. Belmont, rising with great gravity, as the satisfied gentlemen made their last bow at the door, 'whether it be not necessary to close the door against further deputations, it being expedient to proceed with the transaction of more important business?' To this Messrs. Sullivan, Buckhanan, and Souley rose, greatly agitated. Souley said he had the floor, and would not yield an inch. Mr. Buckhanan had only a word to say. Mr. Sullivan gave way. Monsieur Souley said he had great sympathy for all oppressed citizens. He could not but characterize such language as had been used by the learned statesman, Mr. Belmont in reference to these very respectable bodies, as contrary to the spirit of our institutions. Mr. Belmont bowed, and left the speaker to indulge his love of speech, which was again interrupted by a terrific thundering at the door, which opened,—not to a deputation, but to a whole platform of rejected humanity, presenting the most grotesque appearance. Falstaff's invincibles would convey no comparison. Some were hatless and shoeless; some had sleeveless coats and tattered trousers: others had collars but no shirts; all had faces immersed in massive beards. Two-and-two abreast, they walked, in with an independent air, each provided with a Saunder's circular, and took up a position in a half-circle just behind the seats of the several members of the Congress. The person who represented them, and who could boast of but one shoe, and one sleeve to his coat, and had a countenance smothered in hair, now approached Monsieur Souley as Monsieur Souley approached him, and both bowed. I ought to have mentioned that this last procession was preceded by one of their number, wheeling a barrow, on which was a monster petition, specifying the fifty thousand grievances they hoped would be redressed by the Congress. Buck, who it was more than suspected looked with suspicion upon the mixture of reds in general, was seen squinting steadily in the faces of the savage-looking intruders, while others could not suppress a laugh at the singular quaintness of the picture they presented. The leader having extended his hand to Monsieur, a consultation ensued, and was continued with innumerable gestures, grimaces, and contortions of the face. The Chair begged to remind gentlemen of the importance of time. The Chair hoped Monsieur Souley would find it convenient to report. That versatile statesman replied,—He had the honor to inform this august body, that these gentlemen—externally so deficient!—constituted the 'Forlorn Order of Very Red Republicans.' Here Monsieur turned to the forlorn order, as it, with one accord bowed, in confirmation of what he said. 'Gentlemen!' continued the speaker with a rhetorical flourish, 'you must not judge these men by their exteriors. We have here the rough bark covering the fine tree. Gentlemen! have not these men hearts of oak, nerves of steel, and bone that, like their souls, never breaks in time of need?'

"The Chair thought it time to interrupt the speaker by inquiring what the forlorn order prayed for? Monsieur Souley resumed. 'Learning from the authority they held in their hands (epistle de la Saunders), what were the true objects of this Congress, they had nobly come forward to tender their services, and to express in person their readiness to take up arms in America's cause. He proposed a vote of thanks for this patriotic manifestation.' This was voted without a dissentient voice, seeing that it cost nothing. The spokesman of the order again held a consultation with Monsieur Souley, the result of which was, that gentleman's making a charitable appeal to the Congress, and concluding by proposing that a contribution be taken in aid of the forlorns. This brought Mr. Belmont suddenly to his feet. He would oppose any such thing. Their difficulties had already increased beyond calculation; and, were this proposition acceded to, it would not only confirm a singular belief outside—that the object of this Congress was the general relief of mankind, but so increase their responsibilities as to render it impossible to proceed with legitimate business. No sane man—much less one accustomed to dealing in coin—could have entertained such an idea. I need scarcely add that the proposition was negatived without a dissenting voice, Monsieur Souley not voting. It was now pretty evident to all present that the Congress would have its time and attention pretty well absorbed in receiving deputations of citizens deluded by Saunders' letters, and listening to the very pathetic speeches of Monsieur. The day was now far gone; the Congress began to feel its appetite; the forlorns withdrew in discontent; the presence of many other deputations surrounding the doors was announced; and the Congress drank all round, and adjourned to meet on the following morning for the dispatch of business.

"The 'following morning' came, and with it troubles insurmountable. Scarcely had the Congress resumed its sitting, when an avalanche of deputations was announced, waiting an audience. Monsieur Souley proposed that they be received in their order. Of course I was bound to submit his proposal, but could not suppress a smile. I thought the order would be the most difficult thing to ascertain. However, as we are naturally good-natured, and love to turn the gravest subjects into the lightest jokes, that they be received in their order was agreed to without a dissenting vote. By four o'clock in the afternoon we had received and heard the prayers of all sorts of deputations. There was—'The Ancient Order of Roman Republicans;' the 'Lone Band of Oppressed Brothers;' the 'Universal Brotherhood of Exiled Patriots;' the 'Hopeful Band of Hungarian Refugees;' the 'Polish Perpetuators;'—in fact, there came all kinds of orders, and bonds, and leagues, and societies, all with innumerable grievances about they knew not what. There were the oppressed, and very oppressed; the hopeful, and very hopeful; the patriotic, and very patriotic; all praying that their grievances might be redressed. Indeed, they illustrated the fact that Europe was in no want of spirits. Some of these forlorn brothers marched with bands of music, not only keeping the city in a state of general alarm, but seriously disturbing the nervous systems of many very respectable persons, high in office.

"It was now six o'clock, and as the Congress was hungry, and fatigued with its labors, and Hanz was literally worn out with mixing slings and smashes, I rose to propose we adjourn until to-morrow, seeing there was no time to receive any more deputations; but was interrupted by Noggs, who significantly announced a platoon of soldiery in front of the hall. Monsieur Souley now turned a pale brown color; Belmont was seen looking for a back-door; and Buck's hair changed two shades whiter:—indeed, the alarm that had prevailed in sundry palaces outside seemed to have seized upon our Congress.

"'A demand from the King!' announced Noggs, with ominous accent. Suddenly a suspicious-looking gent, smothered in dark uniform bespread with a profusion of lace, was ushered in, and with an elastic step, and quick, wandering eye, approached gracefully the President (me) and announced himself as King's Messenger. For a moment he stood uncovered, as if taking a bird's-eye-view of the mental qualities of America; then, raising his right hand, which held a scroll, he extended it to the Chair as Mr. O'Sullivan demanded—'Hats off!' The silence of a minute was then broken by Monsieur Souley, who, having regained his courage, interposed sarcastically,—'a messenger from the King of the Dutch?' The official gave a glance in return, and bowed. A seat was now provided for the stranger, who, as he was about to sit down, intimated that in the event of the terms of his Majesty's proclamation not being complied with, painful as it would be to his feelings, he would, in deference to his orders, be compelled to resort to arms. It was a moment full of painful anxiety: the Chair cast an eye over the document, as every one waited with eager suspense its being read aloud. At length, summoning to my aid all the dignity my composition entertained, I rose as each restless eye denoted hope and anxiety, and said I would read the King's commands, which were to the following effect:—'That whereas sundry evil-disposed persons, not having the fear of God before their eyes, and representing themselves as citizens of the American Republic, have come into this country with ill intent, and have, in defiance of law and order, held sundry meetings for the purpose of conspiring against the peace of the State and safety of the throne; and whereas the said persons herein set forth have, since their landing on our beloved soil, conducted themselves in a manner so riotous as to cause suspicion of their deliberations, be it known to all concerned in this mysterious gathering, that by this my proclamation I forbid the holding of any such assemblies; and further, that unless that now in deliberation be at once dispersed, the persons found engaged in it will be dealt with according to the law made and provided for the punishment of vagrants in general. Signed and sealed with our hands, &c., &c.' Need I say that the reading this proclamation created a wonderful sensation, which was here and there interspersed with marks of contempt for its authority. The Chair, I insinuated, would await any remarks. Mr. Buckhanan immediately rose, and proposed that we bow to the authority, and move to a more congenial atmosphere. Messrs. Souley, Belmont (having come back), and Jackson, rose to oppose. The King's Messenger also rose: seeing the first symptoms of a powerful opposition manifesting itself, he would warn gentlemen of the Congress that it was of no use—they must move on! By way of adding tone to his demand, he intimated that it might be necessary to motion his guard. As things began to look rather squally, I said the Chair would like to say a few words, provided Monsieur Souley did not interrupt, and was perfectly willing to yield the floor. That gentleman firmly declined; adding that he stood upon the order of his reputation, nor would ever yield to Pierce, Marcy, and the King of the Dutch thrown in. He firmly believed it a trick of Marcy's own; he was known to be in league with the Queen of Spain, Louis Napoleon, and the Dutch King, with whom he had compromised the Gibson case. Mr. O'Sullivan, with good logic clothed in very bad English, now rose to the rescue, and was fortunate enough to hit upon the identical expedient by which we all got honorably out of a very bad affair. He proposed (Mr. Souley continued talking) that it being evident to this Congress that insurmountable difficulties of a local character having arisen, thereby impeding the progress of legitimate business; that whereas the oysters are found to be diseased; the gin-and-bitters intolerable; the champagne poisoned by Louis Napoleon; and the sour krout absolutely indigestible, an adjournment is thereby imperatively necessary. In consideration of all the foregoing facts, the speaker moved that this Congress do adjourn to the more congenial atmosphere of Aix-la-Chapelle. The motion was carried with shouts of laughter, and the Congress broke up in the very best humor, leaving Monsieur Souley in possession of the floor. In addition to this, the King's Messenger was carried captive to the first hotel and treated, while Noggs received orders to draw on Sam for all outstanding bills.