Husband (after the theater)—“Well, how do you like the piece?”
Wife—“Very much. There’s only one improbable thing in it. The second act takes place two years after the first, and they have the same servant.”
Thomas Hill (the original “Paul Pry”) was endeavoring one evening to cut up an orange in such a fashion as to represent a pig. After strewing the table with about a dozen peels, he gave up the futile experiment, saying, “Hang the pig! I can’t make him at all.”
“Nonsense, Hill,” said Theodore Hook, pointing to the table; “you have done splendidly. Instead of a pig you have made a litter.”
An elderly churchwarden in shaving himself one Sunday before church-time made a slight cut with the razor on the extreme end of his nose. Quickly calling to his wife, he asked her if she had any court-plaster in the house. “You will find some in my sewing basket,” she said. The warden soon had the cut covered. At church in assisting with the collection he noticed everyone smile as he passed the plate, and some of the younger people laughed outright. Very much annoyed, he asked a friend if there was anything wrong with his appearance. “Well, I should think there is,” was the answer. “What is that on your nose?” “Court-plaster.” “No,” said his friend, “it is the label from a reel of cotton. It says, ‘Warranted 200 yd. long.’”
A man who stuttered very badly went to a specialist, and after ten difficult lessons learned to say quite distinctly, “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.” His friends congratulated him upon this splendid achievement.
“Yes,” said the man, doubtfully, “but it’s s-s-such a d-d-deucedly d-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-work into an ordin-n-nary c-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y’ know.”