Among the best of the chapters is the one that burlesques the proceedings that took place at a celebrated murder trial of the day.
ON EXPERT TESTIMONY
“Annything new?” said Mr. Hennessy, who had been waiting patiently for Mr. Dooley to put down his newspaper.
“I’ve been r-readin’ th’ tistimony iv th’ Lootgert case,” said Mr. Dooley.
“What d’ye think iv it?”
“I think so,” said Mr. Dooley.
“Think what?”
“How do I know?” said Mr. Dooley. “How do I know what I think? I’m no combination iv chemist, doctor, osteologist, polisman, an’ sausage-maker, that I can give ye an opinion right off th’ bat. A man needs to be all iv thim things to detarmine annything about a murdher trile in these days. This shows how intilligent our methods is, as Hogan says. A large German man is charged with puttin’ his wife away into a breakfas’-dish, an’ he says he didn’t do it. Th’ question thin is, Did or did not Alphonse Lootgert stick Mrs. L. into a vat, an’ rayjooce her to a quick lunch? Am I right?”
“Ye ar-re,” said Mr. Hennessy.
“That’s simple enough. What th’ Coort ought to’ve done was to call him up, an’ say: ‘Lootgert, where’s ye’er good woman?’ If Lootgert cudden’t tell, he ought to be hanged on gin’ral principles; f’r a man must keep his wife around th’ house, an’ whin she isn’t there it shows he’s a poor provider. But, if Lootgert says, ‘I don’t know where me wife is,’ the Coort shud say:’ Go out an’ find her. If ye can’t projooce her in a week, I’ll fix ye.’ An’ let that be th’ end iv it.