Good cloathes are the embrodred trappings of pride, and good cheere the very eringo-roote of gluttony: so that fine backes, and fat bellyes are Coach-horses to two of the seuen deadly sins: In the bootes of which Coach, Lechery and Sloth sit like the waiting-maide. In a most desperate state therefore doe Taylors, and Cookes stand, by meanes of their offices: for both those trades are Apple-squires to that couple of sinnes. The one inuents more phantasticke fashions, then Fraunce hath worne since her first stone was laid; the other more lickerish epycurean dishes, then were euer serud vp to Gallonius table. Did man (thinke you) come wrangling into the world, about no better matters, then all his lifetime to make priuy searches in Burchin lane for Whalebone doublets, or for pies of Nightingale tongues in Heliogabalus his kitchin? No, no, the first suit of apparell, that euer mortall man put on, came neither from the Mercers shop nor the Merchants warehouse: Adams bill would haue beene taken then, sooner then a Knights bond now; yet was hee great in no bodies bookes for satten and veluets: the silkwormes had something else to do in those dayes, then to set vp loomes, and be free of the weauers: his breeches were not so much worth as K. Stephens, that cost but a poore noble: for Adams holyday hose and doublet were of no better stuffe then plaine fig-leaues, and Eues best gowne of the same peece: there went but a paire of sheeres betweene them. An Antiquary in this towne, has yet some of the powder of those leaues dryed to shew. Taylors then were none of the twelue Companies: their Hall, that now is larger then some Dorpes among the Netherlands, was then no bigger then a Dutch Butchers shop: they durst not strike downe their customers with large billes: Adam cared not an apple-paring for all their lousy hems. There was then neither the Spanish slop, nor the Skippers galligaskin: the Switzers blistred Cod-piece, nor the Danish sleeue sagging / down like a Welch wallet, the Italians close strosser, nor the French standing coller: your trebble-quadruple Dædalian ruffes, nor your stiffenecked rebatoes (that haue more arches for pride to row vnder, then can stand vnder fiue London Bridges) durst not then set themselues out in print: for the patent for starch could by no meanes be signd. Fashions then was counted a disease, and horses dyed of it: But now (thankes to folly) it is held the onely rare phisicke, and the purest golden Asses liue vpon it.
As for the dyet of that Saturnian age, it was like their attire, homely: A sallad, and a messe of leeke porridge, was a dinner for a farre greater man then euer the Turke was: Potato-pies, and Custards, stood like the sinfull suburbs of Cookery, and had not a wall (so much as a handfull hie) built rownd about them. There were no daggers then, nor no Chayres. Crookes his ordinary, in those parsimonious dayes, had not a Capons-leg to throw at a dog. Oh golden world, the suspicious Venecian carued not his meate with a siluer pitch-forke, neither did the sweet-toothd Englishman shift a dozen of trenchers at one meale. Peirs ploughman layd the cloth, and Simplicity brought in the voyder. How wonderfully is the world altered? and no maruell, for it has lyein sicke almost fiue thousand yeares: So that it is no more like the old Theater du munde, than old Paris garden is like the Kings garden at Paris.
What an excellent workeman therefore were he that could cast the Globe of it into a new mould: And not to make it look like Mullineux his Globe, with a round face sleekt and washt ouer with whites of egges; but to haue it in Plano, as it was at first, with all the ancient circles, lines, paralels, and figures, representing indeede, all the wrinckles, crackes, creuises and flawes that (like the Mole on Hattens cheek, being os amoris,) stuck vpon it at the first creation, and made it looke most louely; but now those furrowes are filled vp with Ceruse, and Vermilion; yet all will not doe, it appeares more vgly. Come, come, it would be but a bald world, but that it weares a periwig. The body of it is fowle (like a birding-peece) by being too much heated: the breath of it stinks like the mouthes of Chambermaides by feeding on so many sweat meats. And, though to purge it wil be a sorer labour then the clensing / of Augeaes stable, or the scowring of Mooreditch: yet, Ille ego, qui quondam; I am the Pasquille madcap, that will doot.
Draw neere therefore, all you that loue to walke vpon single and simple soules, and that wish to keepe company with none but Innocents, andΚαρηχομὁωτες the sonnes of ciuill Citizens, out with your tables, and naile your eares (as it were to the pillary) to the musique of our instructions: nor let ye title Gullery, fright you frō schoole: for marke what an excellent ladder you are to clime by. How many worthy, and men of famous memory (for their learning of all offices, from the scauenger and so vpward) haue flourished in London of ye ancient familie of ye Wiseacres, being now no better esteemd then fooles and yonger brothers? This geare must be lookt into, lest in time (O lamentable time, when that houre-glasse is turned vp) a rich mans sonne shall no sooner peepe out of the shell of his minority but he shall straightwaies be begd for a concealement, or set vpon (as it were, by free-booters) and tane in his owne purse-nets by fencers and cony-catchers. To driue which pestilent infection from the heart, heeres a medicine more potent, and more precious, than was euer that mingle-mangle of drugs which Mithrydates boyld together. Feare not to tast it: a cawdle will not goe downe halfe so smoothly as this will: you neede not call the honest name of it in question, for Antiquity puts off his cap, and makes a bare oration in praise of the vertues of it: the Receipt hath beene subscribed vnto, by all those that haue had to doe with Simples, with this moth-eaten Motto, Probatum est: your Diacatholicon aureum, that with gun-powder brings threaten[ing]s to blow vp all diseases that come in his way, and smels worse then Assafætida in respect of this. You therefore whose bodyes, either ouerflowing with the corrupt humours of this ages phantasticknesse, or else being burnt vp with the inflāmation of vpstart fashions, would faine be purgd: and to shew that you truly loath this polluted and mangy-fisted world, turne Timonists, not caring either for men or their maners. Doe you pledge me, spare not to take a deepe draught of our homely councel. The cup is full, and so large, that I boldly drinke a health vnto all commers. /
How a young Gallant shall not onely keepe his clothes (which many of them can hardly doe for Brokers) but also saue the charges of taking physicke; with other rules for the morning, the praise of Sleepe, and of going naked.
You haue heard all this while nothing but the Prologue, and seene no more but a dumbe shew: Our vetus Comædia steps out now. The fittest stage vpon which you (that study to be an Actor there) are first to present your selfe is (in my approued judgement) the softest and largest Downe-bed: from whence (if you will but take sound councell of your pillow) you shall neuer rise, till you heare it ring noone at least. Sleep, in the name of Morpheus, your bellyfull, or (rather) sleepe till you heare your belly grombles and waxeth empty. Care not for those coorse painted cloath rimes, made by ye Uniuersity of Salerne, that come ouer you, with
Sit breuis, aut nullus, tibi somnus meridianus.