Short let thy sleepe at noone be,
Or rather let it none be.
Sweete candied councell, but theres rats-bane vnder it: trust neuer a Bachiler of Art of them all, for he speakes your health faire, but to steale away the maidenhead of it: Salerne stands in the luxurious country of Naples, and who knowes not that the Neapolitan, will (like Derick the hangman) embrace you with one arme, and rip your guts with the other? theres not a haire in his mustachoo, but if he kisse you, will stabbe you through the cheekes like a ponyard: the slaue, to be auenged on his enemy, will drink off a pint of poison himselfe so that he may be sure to haue the other pledge him but halfe so much. And it may be, that vpon some secret grudge to worke the generall destruction of all mankinde, those verses were composed. Phisisians, I know (and none else) tooke vp the bucklers in their defence, railing bitterly vpon that venerable and princely custom of long-lying-abed: Yet, now I remember me, I cannot blame them; for / they which want sleepe (which is mans naturall rest) become either mere Naturals, or else fall into the Doctors hands, and so consequently into the Lords: whereas he that snorts profoundly scornes to let Hippocrates himselfe stand tooting on his Urinall, and thereby saues that charges of a groates worth of Physicke: And happy is that man that saues it; for phisick is Non minus venefica, quam benefica, it hath an ounce of gall in it, for euery dram of hony. Ten Tyburnes cannot turne men ouer ye perch so fast as one of these brewers of purgations: the very nerues of their practise being nothing but Ars Homicidiorum, an Art to make poore soules kicke vp their heeles. In so much, that euen their sicke grunting patients stand in more danger of M. Doctor and his drugs, then of all the Cannon shots which the desperate disease it selfe can discharge against them. Send them packing therefore, to walke like Italian Mountebankes, beate not your braines to vnderstand their parcell-greeke, parcell-latine gibrish: let not all their sophisticall buzzing into your eares, nor their Satyricall canuassing of feather-beds and tossing men out of their warme blanckets, awake you till the houre that heere is prescribed.
For doe but consider what an excellent thing sleepe is: It is so inestimable a Jewel, that, if a Tyrant would giue his crowne for an houres slumber, it cannot be bought: of so beautifull a shape is it, that though a man lye with an Empresse, his heart cannot be at quiet, till he leaues her embracements to be at rest with the other: yea, so greatly indebted are we to this kinseman of death, that we owe the better tributary, halfe of our life to him: and thers good cause why we should do so: for sleepe is that golden chaine that ties health and our bodies together. Who complains of want? of woundes? of cares? of great mens oppressions, of captiuity? whilest he sleepeth? Beggers in their beds take as much pleasure as Kings: can we therefore surfet on this delicate Ambrosia? can we drink too much of that whereof to tast too little tumbles vs into a church-yard, and to vse it but indifferently, throwes vs into Bedlam? No, no, looke vppon Endymion, the Moones Minion, who slept threescore and fifteene yeares, and was not a haire the worse for it. Can lying abedde till noone then (being not the threescore and fifteenth thousand part of his nap) be hurtfull?
Besides, by the opinion of all Phylosophers and Physitians, it is not good to trust the aire with our bodies / till the Sun with his flame-coloured wings, hath fand away the mistie smoake of the morning, and refind that thicke tobacco-breath which the rheumaticke night throwes abroad of purpose to put out the eye of the Element: which worke questionlesse cannot be perfectly finished, till the sunnes Car-horses stand prancing on the very top of highest noon: so that then (and not till then) is the most healthfull houre to be stirring. Do you require examples to perswade you? At what time do Lords and Ladies vse to rise, but then? your simpring Merchants wiues are the fairest lyers in the world: and is not eleuen a clocke their common houre? they finde (no doubt) vnspeakable sweetnesse in such lying, else they would not day by day put it so in practise. In a word, midday slumbers are golden; they make the body fat, the skin faire, the flesh plump, delicate and tender; they set a russet colour on the cheekes of young women, and make lusty courage to rise vp in men; they make vs thrifty, both in sparing victuals (for breakefasts thereby are savd from the hell-mouth of the belly) and in preseruing apparell; for while wee warm us in our beds, our clothes are not worne.
The casements of thine eyes being then at this commendable time of the day, newly set open, choose rather to haue thy wind-pipe cut in peeces then to salute any man. Bid not good-morrow so much as to thy father, tho he be an Emperour. An idle ceremony it is, and can doe him little good; to thy selfe it may bring much harme: for if he be a wise man that knowes how to hold his peace, of necessity must he be counted a foole that cannot keep his tongue.
Amongst all the wild men that runne vp and downe in this wide forest of fooles (the world) none are more superstitious then those notable Ebritians, the Jewes: yet a Jewe neuer weares his cap threed-bare with putting it off: neuer bends i' th' hammes with casting away a leg: neuer cries God saue you, tho he sees the Diuell at your elbow. Play the Jewes therefore in this, and saue thy lips that labour, onely remember, that so soone as thy eyelids be vnglewd, thy first exercise must be (either sitting vpright on thy pillow, or rarely loling at thy bodies whole length) to yawne, to stretch,—and to gape wider then any oyster-wife: for thereby thou doest not onely send out the liuely spirits (like vaunt-currers) to fortifie and make good the vttermost borders of the body; but also (as a cunning painter) thy goodly lineaments are drawne out in their fairest proportion.
This lesson being playd, turne ouer a new leafe, and (vnlesse that Freezeland Curre, cold winter, offer to bite thee) walke awhile vp and downe thy chamber, either in thy thin shirt onely, or else (which, at a bare word, is both more decent and more delectable) strip thy selfe stark naked. Are we not borne so? and shall a foolish custome make vs to breake the lawes of our Creation? our first parents, so long as they went naked, were suffered to dwell in paradice, but, after they got coates to their backes, they were turnd out of doores. Put on therefore either no apparel at all, or put it on carelessly: for looke how much more delicate libertie is then bondage, so much is the loosenesse in wearing of our attire aboue the imprisonment of being neatly and Tailor-like drest vp in it. To be ready in our clothes, is to be ready for nothing else. A man lookes as if hee be hung in chaines; or like a scarcrow: and as those excellent birds (whom Pliny could neuer haue the wit to catch in all his sprindges) commonly called woodcocks (whereof there is great store in England) hauing all their feathers pluckt from their backes, and being turnd out as naked as Platoes cocke was before all Diogenes his Schollers: or as the Cuckooe in Christmas, are more fit to come to any Knights board, and are indeede more seruiceable then when they are lapt in their warme liueries: euen so stands the case with man. Truth (because the bald-pate her father Time has no haire to couer his head) goes (when she goes best) starke naked; But falshood has euer a cloake for the raine. You see likewise, that the Lyon, being the king of beasts, the horse, being the lustiest creature, the Vnicorne, whose horne is worth halfe a City; all these go with no more clothes on their backes, then what nature hath bestowed vpon them: But your babiownes, and you[r] Jackanapes (being the scum and rascality of all the hedge-creepers) they go in ierkins and mandilions: marry how? They are put into their rags onely in mockery.
Oh beware therefore both what you weare, and how you weare / it, and let this heauenly reason moue you neuer to be hansome, for, when the sunne is arising out of his bed, does not the element seeme more glorious, then (being onely in gray) then at noone, when hees in all his brauery? it were madnesse to deny it. What man would not gladly see a beautifull woman naked, or at least with nothing but a lawne, or some loose thing ouer her; and euen highly lift her vp for being so? Shall wee then abhorre that in our selues which we admire and hold to be so excellent in others? Absit.