How a yong Gallant should warme himself by the fire; how attire himself: The description of a mans head: the praise of long haire.
But if (as it often happens vnlesse the yeare catch the sweating sicknesse) the morning, like charity waxing cold, thrust his frosty fingers into thy bosome, pinching thee black and blew (with her nailes made of yce) like an inuisible goblin, so that thy teeth (as if thou wert singing prick-song) stand coldly quauering in thy head, and leap vp and downe like the nimble Iackes of a paire of Virginals: be then as swift as a whirle-winde, and as boystrous in tossing all thy cloathes in a rude heape together: With which bundle filling thine armes, steppe brauely forth, crying: Room, what a coyle keepe you about the fire? The more are set round about it, the more is thy commendation, if thou either bluntly ridest ouer their shoulders, or tumblest aside their stooles to creepe into the chimney-corner: there toast thy body, till thy scorched skinne be speckled all ouer, being staind with more motley colours then are to be scene on the right side of the rainebow.
Neither shall it be fit for the state of thy health, to put on thy Apparell, till by sitting in that hothouse of the chimney, thou feelest the fat dew of thy body (like basting) run trickling down thy sides: for by that meanes thou maist lawfully boast that thou liuest by the sweat of thy browes.
As / for thy stockings and shoos, so weare them, that all men may point at thee, and make thee famous by that glorious name of a Male-content. Or, if thy quicksiluer can runne so farre on thy errant, as to fetch thee bootes out of S. Martens, let it be thy prudence to haue the tops of them wide as ye mouth of a wallet, and those with fringed boote-hose ouer them to hang downe to thy ankles. Doues are accounted innocent, and louing creatures: thou, in obseruing this fashion, shalt seeme to be a rough-footed doue, and be held as innocent. Besides, the strawling, which of necessity so much lether between thy legs must put thee into, will be thought not to grow from thy disease, but from that gentleman-like habit.
Hauing thus apparelled thee from top to toe, according to that simple fashion, which the best Goose-caps in Europe striue to imitate, it is now high time for me to haue a blow at thy head, which I will not cut off with sharp documents, but rather set it on faster, bestowing vpon it such excellent caruing, that, if all the wise men of Gottam should lay their heades together, their Jobbernowles should not bee able to compare with thine.
To maintaine therefore that sconce of thine, strongly guarded, and in good reparation, neuer suffer combe to fasten his teeth there: let thy haire grow thick and bushy like a forrest, or some wildernesse; lest those sixe-footed creatures that breede in it, and are Tenants to that crowne-land of thine, bee hunted to death by euery base barbarous Barber; and so that delicate, and tickling pleasure of scratching, be vtterly taken from thee: For the Head is a house built for Reason to dwell in; and thus is the tenement framed. The two Eyes are the glasse windowes, at which light disperses itself into euery roome, hauing goodly penthouses of haire to ouershadow them: As for the nose, tho some (most iniuriously and improperly) make it serue for an Indian chimney, yet surely it is rightly a bridge with two arches, vnder which are neat passages to conuey as well perfumes to aire and sweeten euery chamber, as to carry away all noisome filth that is swept out of vncleane corners: the cherry lippes open, like the new-painted gates of a Lord Mayor's house, to take in prouision. The tongue is a bell, hanging iust vnder the middle of the roofe; and / lest it should be rung out too deepe (as sometimes it is when women haue a peale) whereas it was cast by the first founder, but onely to tole softly, there are two euen rowes of Iuory pegs (like pales) set to keep it in. The eares are two Musique roomes, into which as well good sounds as bad, descend downe two narrow paire of staires, that for all the world haue crooked windings like those that lead to the top of Powles steeple; and, because when the tunes are once gotten in, they should not too quickly slip out, all the walles of both places are plaistered with yellow wax round about them. Now, as the fairest lodging, tho it be furnisht with walles, chimnies, chambers, and all other parts of Architecture, yet, if the seeleing be wanting, it stands subiect to raine, and so consequently to ruine. So would this goodly palace, which wee haue moddeld out vnto you, be but a cold and bald habitation, were not the top of it rarely couered. Nature therfore has plaid the Tyler, and giuen it a most curious couering, or (to speake more properly) she has thatcht it all ouer, and that Thatching is haire. If then thou desirest to reserue that Fee-simple of wit (thy head) for thee and the lawfull heires of thy body, play neither the scuruy part of the Frenchman, that pluckes vp all by ye rootes, nor that of the spending Englishman, who, to maintaine a paltry warren of vnprofitable Conies, disimparkes the stately swift-footed wild Deere: But let thine receiue his full growth, that thou maiest safely and wisely brag 'tis thine owne Bush-Naturall.
And with all consider that, as those trees of cobweblawne (wouen by Spinners the fresh May-mornings) doe dresse the curled heads of the mountaines, and adorne the swelling bosomes of the valleyes: Or, as those snowy fleeces, which the naked bryer steales from the innocent nibbling sheep, to make himselfe a warm winter liuery, are to either of them both an excellent ornament: So make thou account, that to haue fethers sticking heere and there on thy head, will embellish, and set thy crowne out rarely. None dare vpbraid thee, that like a begger thou hast lyen on straw, or like a trauelling Pedler vpon musty flockes: for those feathers will rise vp as witnesses to choake him that sayes so, and to proue that thy bed was of the softest downe.
When / your noblest Gallants consecrate their houres to their Mistresses and to Reuelling, they weare fethers then chiefly in their hattes, being one of the fairest ensignes of their brauery: But thou, a Reueller and a Mistris-seruer all the yeare, by wearing fethers in thy haire, whose length before the rigorous edge of any puritanicall paire of scizzers should shorten the breadth of a finger, let the three huswifely spinsters of Destiny rather curtall the thread of thy life. O no, long hair is the onely nette that women spread abroad to entrappe men in; and why should not men be as far aboue women in that commodity, as they go beyond men in others? The merry Greekes were called Καρηχομὁωτες long-haired: loose not thou (being an honest Troian) that honour, sithence it will more fairely become thee. Grasse is the haire of the earth, which, so long as it is suffred to grow, it becomes the wearer, and carries a most pleasing colour, but when the Sunne-burnt clowne makes his mowes at it, and (like a Barber) shaues it off to the stumps, then it withers and is good for nothing but to be trust vp and thrown amongst Jades. How vgly is a bald pate? it lookes like a face wanting a nose; or, like ground eaten bare with the arrowes of Archers, whereas a head al hid in haire giues euen to a most wicked face a sweet proportion, and lookes like a meddow newly marryed to the Spring: which beauty in men the Turkes enuying, they no sooner lay hold on a Christian, but the first marke they set vpon him, to make him know hees a slaue, is to shaue off all his haire close to the scull. A Mahumetan cruelty therefore is it, to stuffe breeches and tennis-balles with that, which, when tis once lost, all the hare-hunters in the world may sweat their hearts out, and yet hardly catch it againe.
You then, to whom chastity has giuen an heire apparant, take order that it may be apparant, and to that purpose, let it play openly with the lascivious wind, euē on the top of your shoulders. Experience cries out in euery Citty, that those self-same Criticall Saturnists, whose haire is shorter than their eye-brows, take a pride to haue their hoary beards hang slauering like a dozen of Foxetailes downe so low as their middle. But (alas) why should the chinnes and lippes of old men lick vp that excrement, which they vyolently clip away from the heads of yong men? Is it / because those long beesomes (their beards) with sweeping the soft bosomes of their beautiful yong wiues, may tickle their tender breasts, and make some amends for their maisters' vnrecoverable dulnesse? No, no, there hangs more at the ends of those long gray haires then all the world can come to the knowledge of. Certaine I am, that when none but the golden age went currant vpon earth, it was higher treason to clip haire, then to clip money: the combe and scizers were condemned to the currying of hackneyes: he was disfranchised for euer, that did but put on a Barbers apron. Man, woman, and child woare then haire longer then a law-suit; euery head, when it stood bare or uncouered, lookt like a butter-boxes nowle, hauing his thrumbd cap on. It was free for all Nations to haue shaggy pates, as it is now onely for the Irishman. But since this polling and shauing world crept vp, locks were lockt up, and haire fell to decay. Reuiue thou therefore the old, buryed fashion, and (in scorne of periwigs and sheep-shearing) keep thou that quilted head-peece on continually. Long haire will make thee looke dreadfully to thine enemies, and manly to thy friends. It is, in peace, an ornament; in warre, a strong helmet. It blunts the edge of a sword, and deads the leaden thump of a bullet. In winter, it is a warme night-cap, in sommer, a cooling fanne of fethers.