He that a Watch will wear, this must he do,
Pocket his Watch, and watch his Pocket too.
107. George Ch——n, who was always accounted a very blunt Speaker, asking a young Lady one Day, what it was o'Clock, and she telling him her Watch stood, I don't wonder at that, Madam, said he, when it is so near your ——.
108. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her Husband of Defect, and being in the Court, she humbly desired of the Judge, that she might write her Mind, and not be obliged to speak it, for Modesty's sake; the Judge gave her that Liberty, and a Clerk was immediately commanded to give her Pen, Ink, and Paper, whereupon she took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink, and made as if she would write; says the Clerk to her, Madam, there is no Ink in your Pen. Truly, Sir, says she, that's just my Case, and therefore I need not explain myself any further.
109. A Lieutenant Colonel to one of the Irish Regiments, in the French Service, being dispatched by the Duke of Berwick, from Fort Kehl, to the King of France, with a Complaint, relating to some Irregularities, that had happened in the Regiment; his Majesty, with some Emotion of Mind, told him, That the Irish Troops gave him more Uneasiness than all his Forces besides. Sir, (says the Officer) all your Majesty's Enemies make the same Complaint.
110. Mr. G——n, the Surgeon being sent for to a Gentleman, who had just received a slight Wound in a Rencounter, gave Orders to his Servant to go Home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain Plaister; the Patient turning a little Pale, Lord, Sir, said he, I hope there is no Danger. Yes, indeed is there, answered the Surgeon, for if the Fellow don't set up a good pair of Heels, the Wound will heal before he returns.
111. Not many Years ago, a certain Temporal Peer, having in a most pathetick and elaborate Speech, exposed the Vices and Irregularities of the Clergy, and vindicated the Gentlemen of the Army from some Imputations unjustly laid upon them: A Prelate, irritated at the Nature, as well as the Length of the Speech, desired to know when the Noble Lord would leave off preaching. The other answer'd, The very Day he was made a Bishop.
112. It chanc'd that a Merchant Ship was so violently tossed in a Storm at Sea that all despairing of Safety, betook themselves to Prayer, saving one Mariner, who was ever wishing to see two Stars: Oh! said he, that I could but see two Stars, or but one of the Two, and of these Words he made so frequent Repetition, that, disturbing the Meditations of the rest, at length one asked him, what two Stars, or what one Star he meant? To whom he reply'd, O! that I could but see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman-street, I care not which.
113. A Country Fellow subpœena'd for a Witness upon a Trial on an Action of Defamation, he being sworn, the Judge had him repeat the very same Words he had heard spoken; the Fellow was loath to speak, but humm'd and haw'd for a good Space, but being urged by the Judge, he at last spoke, My Lord, said he, You are a Cuckold: The Judge seeing the People begin to laugh, called to him, and had him speak to the Jury, there were twelve of them.
114. A Courtier, who was a Confident of the Amours of Henry IV. of France, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch whereof he applyed himself to the Lord High Chancellor: Who finding some Obstacle in it, the Courtier still insisted upon it, and would not allow of any Impediment, Que chacun se mêle de son Metier, said the Chancellor to him; that is, Let every one meddle with his own Business. The Courtier imagining he reflected upon him for his pimping; my Employment, said he, is such, that, if the King were twenty Years younger I would not exchange it for three of your's.