945. Two Irish porters meeting in Dublin, one addressed the other with, Och, Thady, my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England! Pray did you see anything of our old friend, Pat Murphy? The devil a sight, replied he, and what’s worse, I’m afraid I never shall. How so? Why, he met with a very unfortunate accident lately. Amazing! What was it? O, indeed, nothing more than this; as he was standing on a plank, talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they call the Old Bailey, the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck broke.

946. A Quaker from Bristol, who lately alighted at an inn, called for some porter, and observing, as it is now the fashion, the pint deficient in quantity, thus addressed the landlord: Pray, friend, how many butts of beer dost thou draw in a month? Ten, sir, replied Boniface. And thou wouldst like to draw eleven if thou couldst, rejoined Ebenezer. Certainly, exclaimed the smiling landlord. Then I will tell thee how, friend, added the Quaker—fill thy measures.

947. A man who was on the point of being married, obtained from his confessor his certificate of confession. Having read it, he observed that the priest had omitted the usual penance. Did you not tell me, said the confessor, that you were going to be married?

948. Lord Galloway was an enemy to the Bute administration. At the change of the ministry he came to London, for the first time in the late king’s reign. He was dressed in black, in a very uncourtly style. When he appeared at the levee, the eyes of the company were turned upon him, and George Selwyn being asked who he was, replied, A Scotch undertaker come to bury the last administration.

949. Old Astley, one evening, when his band was playing an overture, went up to the horn players, and asked why they were not playing? They said they had twenty bars rest. Rest! said he, I’ll have nobody rest in my company; I pay you for playing, not for resting.

950. Tom Tickle was peculiarly odd in his manner of drawing characters. He once sent his servant to a gentleman, remarkable for being always in a hurry, with a message of great importance; but the servant returned, and told his master that the gentleman was in so great a hurry he could not speak to him. It is no more than what I expected, said Tom, for he loses an hour in the morning, and runs after it all day.

951. As the late Chevalier Taylor was once enumerating, in company, the great honours which he had received from the different princes of Europe, and the orders with which he had been dignified by numerous sovereigns, a gentleman present took occasion to remark, that he had not named the king of Prussia; adding, I suppose, sir, that monarch never gave you any order! You are quite mistaken, sir, replied the Chevalier; for I can most positively assure you, that he gave me a very peremptory order—to quit his dominions.

952. A lady of rank, dancing one evening, approached so near to a chandelier, that the fluttering plume of feathers, waving to and fro on her forehead, came in contact with the flame, and the whole was instantly in a blaze. The illumination, however, was quickly and happily extinguished without harm; when her husband, seeing the danger avoided, and the thoughtlessness of the act, peevishly and half angrily exclaimed, Surely, your ladyship must be absolutely mad! No, no, replied her ladyship, only a little light-headed.

953. A poor player, in a mixed company, undertook to quote a passage from Shakespeare, that should be applicable to any remark that might be made by any person present. A forward young fellow undertook to supply a sentence that he believed could not be answered from the works of the bard; and addressing the player, he said, You are the most insolent pretender in the room. “You forget yourself,” promptly replied the player, quoting from the quarrel-scene between Brutus and Cassius.

954. At a public dinner, a gentleman observed a person who sat opposite use a toothpick which had just done the same service to his neighbour. Wishing to apprise him of his mistake, he said, I beg your pardon, sir, but you are using Mr. ——’s toothpick. I know I am. By the powers, sir, do you think I am not going to return it!