955. A Leicestershire farmer, who had never seen a silver fork, had some soup handed to him at a dinner lately. He found that no spoon was placed at his elbow. Lifting the fork, and twirling it in his fingers for some time, he called the waiter, and requested him to bring a silver spoon wi’out ony slits in it.
956. A sailor coming across Blackheath one evening, was stopped by a footpad, who demanded his money, when a scuffle ensued. The tar took the robber, and bore away with his prize to a justice of the peace at Woolwich. When the magistrate came to examine into the assault, he told the sailor that he must take his oath that the robber had put him in bodily fear, otherwise he could not commit him. The sailor, looking stedfastly at the justice, answered, He,—he put me in bodily fear! No, nor any he that ever lived; therefore, if that is the case you may let him go, for I will not swear to any such thing.
957. A barrister entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he was not apprised, but endured from almost every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig? The answer instantly was, Nothing but the head.
958. Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner, in praise of conjugal love and fidelity. The husband, said Sterne, who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head. If you think so, said Garrick, I hope your house is insured.
959. A lady after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonata on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? No, madam, replied the doctor; but of all noises I think music is the least disagreeable.
960. The Abbé Maury, who had rendered himself obnoxious to the democrats, during the French revolution, was one night seized by the mob, who looked round for a lamp-post to suspend him on. Pray, my good friends, said the Abbé, were you to hang me to that lamp-post, do you think that you would see any the clearer for it? This well-timed wit softened the rabble and saved his life.
961. Salezzo de Pedrada praising an old lady for her beauty, she answered, that beauty was incompatible with her age. To which Salezzo replied, We say, as beautiful as an angel; and yet the angels are, of all creatures, the most ancient.
962. A French officer quarreling with a Swiss, reproached him with his country’s vice of fighting on either side for money, while we Frenchmen, said he, fight for honour. Yes, sir, replied the Swiss, every one fights for that which he most wants.
963. When the late Mr. Windham, the war minister, was upon a trip to the continent, he met with a Dutch clergyman, who was very eager in his inquiries as to the doctrines and discipline of the church of England, to which he received satisfactory answers; those, however, were succeeded by others of a more difficult nature, particularly as to the manner in which some English preachers manufacture their sermons. Upon Mr. Windham confessing his ignorance of this subject, the Dutchman, in a tone of disappointment, exclaimed, Why, then, I find, sir, after all the conversation we have had, that I have been deceived as to your profession: they told me you were an English minister.
964. Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in his younger days with the Earl of Salisbury, to whom he was indebted for a considerable living in Hertfordshire. One day at the levee, the king (George I.) asked him how long he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury? Upon his telling how long, Why, said the king you stayed there long enough; how is it you did not convert the Pope? Because, sir, replied the doctor, I had nothing better to offer him.