985. Ned Shuter was often very poor, and being still more negligent than poor, was careless about his dress. A friend overtaking him one day in the street, said to him, Why, Ned, are you not ashamed to walk the streets with twenty holes in your stockings? why don’t you get them mended? No, my friend, said Ned, I am above it; and if you have the pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk with twenty holes rather than have one darn. How, replied the other, how do you make that out? Why, replied Ned, a hole is the accident of the day; but a darn is premeditated poverty.
986. The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his money in London, set out for Ireland, in order to recruit his purse. On his way, he happened to meet with Sir Murrough O’Brien, driving towards Dublin in a lofty phaeton with six prime dun-coloured horses. Sir Murrough, exclaimed his lordship, what a contrast there is between you and me! you are driving your duns before you, but my duns are driving me before them.
987. The high-bailiff of Birmingham, attended by some officers of the town, goes round on a market-day to examine the weight of the butter, and they seize all which is found short of sixteen ounces. A countryman, who generally stood in a particular place, having on a former market-day lost two pounds of butter, was seen, the next time they came round, to laugh heartily, while the officers were taking a considerable quantity from a woman who stood near him. One of the officers, not pleased with the fellow’s want of decorum, particularly in the presence of men vested with such high authority, said, What do you mean by laughing, fellow? I took two pounds from you last week. I’ll lay you a guinea of it, said the countryman. Done, replied the officer; and immediately put a guinea into the hands of a respectable tradesman, who was standing at his own door. The countryman instantly covered it; and then, with a triumphant grin, said, Well done, thickhead, if it had been two pounds would you have taken it from me? Was it not for being short of weight that I lost it? The umpire without hesitation decided it in his favour, to the great mortification of the humble administrator of justice.
988. An Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons: the flute-player informed him, that he generally charged two guineas for the first month, and one guinea for the second. Then, by my soul, replied the Hibernian, I’ll begin the second month!
989. Foote being at table next to a gentleman who had helped himself to a very large piece of bread; he took it up and cut a piece off. Sir, said the gentleman, that is my bread. I beg a thousand pardons, sir, said Foote, I protest I took it for the loaf.
990. The Marquis della Scalas, an Italian nobleman, having invited the neighbouring gentry to a grand entertainment, where all the delicacies of the season were provided, some of the company arrived very early, for the purpose of paying their respects to his excellency: soon after which, the major-domo, entering the dining-room in a great hurry, told the marquis that there was a fisherman below, who had brought one of the finest fish in all Italy, for which, however, he demanded a most extravagant price. Regard not his price, cried the marquis; pay him the money directly. So I would, please your highness, but he refuses to take any money. What, then, would the fellow have? A hundred strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders, my lord; he says he will not bate a single blow. On this, the whole company ran down stairs, to see so singular a man. A fine fish! cried the marquis; what is your demand, my friend? Not a quatrini, my lord, answered the fisherman; I will not take money: if your lordship wishes to have the fish, you must order me a hundred lashes of the strappado on my naked back; otherwise I shall apply elsewhere. Rather than lose the fish, said the marquis, we must e’en let this fellow have his humour. Here! cried he to one of his grooms, discharge this honest man’s demands: but don’t lay on too hard; don’t hurt the poor devil very much! The fisherman then stripped, and the groom prepared to execute his lordship’s orders. Now, my friend, said the fisherman, keep an exact account, I beseech you; for I don’t desire a single stroke more than my due. The whole company were astonished at the amazing fortitude with which the man submitted to the operation, till he had received the fiftieth lash; when, addressing himself to the servant, Hold, my friend, cried the fisherman; I have now had my full share of the price. Your share? exclaimed the marquis; what is the meaning of all this? My lord, returned the fisherman, I have a partner, to whom my honour is engaged, that he shall have his full half of whatever I receive for the fish; and your lordship, I dare venture to say, will by and by own that it would be a thousand pities to defraud him of a single stroke. And pray, honest friend, said the marquis, who is this partner? Your porter, my lord, answered the fisherman, who keeps the outer gate of the palace, and refused to admit me, unless I would promise him half what I should obtain for the fish. Ho! ho! exclaimed the marquis, laughing very heartily, by the blessing of heaven, he shall have double his demand in full! The porter was accordingly sent for; and being stripped to the skin, two grooms were directed to lay on with all their might till he had fairly received what he was so well entitled to. The marquis then ordered his steward to pay the fisherman twenty sequins; desiring him to call annually for the like sum, as a recompense for the friendly service he had rendered him.
991. Mr. Pope being one night crossing the street from Button’s coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted by a link-boy with, Light, your honour! light, your honour! He repeatedly exclaimed, I do not want you. But the lad still following him, he peevishly cried out, Get about your business: God mend me! I will not give you a farthing; it’s light enough. It’s light enough, echoed the lad, what’s light enough? your head or your pocket? God mend you, indeed! it would be easier to make two men, than mend one such as you.
992. A fellow, walking down Holborn Hill on a sultry summer evening, observed an old gentleman, without his hat, panting and leaning upon a post, and courteously asked him what was the matter? Sir, said the old man, an impudent puppy has just snatched my hat off, and run away with it: I have run after him until I have quite lost my breath, and cannot, if my life depended on it, go a step farther. What, not a step? said the fellow. Not a step, returned he. Why then, by Jupiter, I must have your wig; and snatching off his fine flowing caxon, the thief was out of sight in a minute.
993. Two tars, just landed, went to see an old acquaintance, who kept what they humorously called a grog-shop, in a village near Portsmouth, the sign of the Angel. On their entering the place, they stared about for the wished-for sign. There it is! said one. Why, you fool, replied the other, that’s a peacock. Who do you call fool? retorted Ben; how the devil should I know the difference, when I never saw an angel in my life?
994. The late Colonel O’Kelly, well known to all the lovers of the turf, having, at a Newmarket meeting, proposed a considerable wager to a gentleman who, it seems, had no knowledge of him; the stranger, suspecting the challenge came from one of the black-legged fraternity, begged to know what security he would give for so large a sum if he should lose, and where his estates lay. O! the dear craters, I have the map of them about me, and here it is, sure enough, said O’Kelly, pulling out a pocket-book, and giving unequivocal proofs of his property, by producing bank-notes to a considerable amount.