975. The Duke of Longueville’s reply, when it was observed to him that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: I had much rather, answered the duke, have friends than hares.
976. A gentleman was once praising the style of Swift before Johnson: the doctor did not find himself in the humour to agree with him; the critic was driven from one of his performances to another. At length, you must allow me, said the gentleman, that there are strong facts in the account of the “Four last years of Queen Anne.” Yes, surely, replied Johnson, and so there always are in the Newgate Calendar.
977. Johnson made Goldsmith a comical answer one day, when he was repining at the success of Beattie’s Essay on Truth. Here is such a stir, said he, about a fellow that has written one book, and I have written many. Ah, doctor, said his friend, there go two and forty sixpences, you know, to one guinea.
978. A finished coquette, at a ball, asked a gentleman near her, while she adjusted her tucker, whether he could flirt a fan, which she held in her hand. No, madam, answered he, proceeding to use it, but I can fan a flirt.
979. A notorious thief, being to be tried for his life, confessed the robbery he was charged with. The judge hereupon directed the jury to find him guilty on his own confession. The jury having laid their heads together, brought him in Not guilty. The judge bid them consider of it again; but still they brought in their verdict Not guilty. The judge asked the reason. The foreman replied, There is reason enough, for we all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the world.
980. A notorious culprit, who suffered some years since at Salisbury, and the last of three brothers who had been executed for similar offences, after sentence was passed, said, My lord, I humbly thank you. His lordship, astonished, asked him for what? Because, my lord, I thought I should have been hung in chains, which would have been a disgrace to the family.
981. Dean Jackson, passing one morning through Christchurch quadrangle, met some undergraduates, who walked along without capping. The dean called one of them, and asked, Do you know who I am? No, sir. How long have you been in college? Eight days, sir. Oh, very well, said the dean, walking away, puppies don’t open their eyes till the ninth day.
982. A little lawyer appearing as evidence in one of the courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor, what profession he was of; and having replied that he was an attorney—You a lawyer! said Brief, why I could put you in my pocket. Very likely you may, rejoined the other, and if you do, you will have more law in your pocket than ever you had in your head.
983. When George Bidder, the calculating phenomenon, was a very little boy, he made the tour of England with his father, displaying everywhere his astonishing power of combining and resolving numbers. Among several very ingenious and difficult questions prepared purposely for him, an ignorant pedagogue asked (without furnishing any data), How many cow’s tails would reach to the moon? The boy, turning upon the inquirer an eye of considerable archness, answered instantly, One, if it were long enough.
984. Mr. Moore having been long under a prosecution in Doctors Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of the Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written, by which the man of law was so much affected, that he exclaimed, Good God! can you add to this couple’s distress in the last act? Oh, very easily, said the poet, I intend to put them in the Ecclesiastical Court.