1133. A gentleman who had had several wives, paid his addresses to a widow lady at Bath; and it being remarked that he was a great duellist, Derrick replied, the match would be more apropos, for the lady has killed her man.
1134. Two gentlemen going very hungry into the White Lion at Bath, ordered a couple of chickens to be roasted for supper, which were brought upon table just as Mr. Derrick came in to speak to one of them upon business. They went out together, and while they were absent, the remaining person fairly ate up all the supper. When they returned, the other gentleman was astonished, and asked Mr. Derrick what he thought of his companion? Why, I think, said Derrick, that he is a very fowl feeder.
1135. A man being brought before a magistrate, when Mr. Derrick was present, for defamation, in calling his neighbour a scavenger. Pray, sir, (said Derrick to the justice,) attend seriously to this charge, for to me it appears that there is some very dirty work going forward.
1136. A gentleman having written an epitaph on a deceased friend, showed it to Mr. Derrick for his opinion: Sir, said he, I never read anything better suited to the mournful occasion—they are the saddest verses that ever were penned.
1137. A lady of fashion and beauty inveighing against smugglers, Mr. Derrick interrupted her: Hold, madam, be not too severe; I believe it will be found that the blackness of your crimes far exceeds theirs: the people you are railing against, smuggle only a few common goods, for which, they run the risk of losing their lives; but you, without any danger to yourself, absolutely have smuggled the affections of every person in Bath.
1138. Mr. Derrick being in a company, among whom there was a gentleman remarkable for a rude kind of satirical wit, and who, having levelled his jeers at almost all present, chiefly by mimicking their voices, gestures, or taking them off, as it is commonly called, Mr. Derrick, expecting it would presently come to his turn, got up, and was going away. When being asked the reason of his leaving the company so soon, he replied, In order to save the gentleman the trouble of taking me off, I think it best to take myself off.
1139. At a private masquerade, Derrick appeared in the character of a cook, and being met by Lord ——, was desired to dress a couple of pork chops. Sir, replied Derrick, as you are the only hog in company, I must then beg leave to cut them from your carcase.
1140. Mr. Derrick going through the Strand one evening, detected a boy picking his pocket, and seizing him, had determined to have him committed, when the boy begged heartily for mercy, For indeed, sir, said he, it is my first offence; here’s your own handkerchief again, and take any of these five you like best.