1141. A lady of distinction meeting Derrick in the long room, told him his old friend Lady —— was just delivered. Of a boy or girl? said Derrick. Neither, replied the lady—of a husband, you donkey, and he is to be buried to-morrow.
1142. Mr. Derrick being on a visit at a gentleman’s house at Bath, a young lady to entertain the company, obliged them with a tune on the harpsichord: while she was playing, a female friend of Mr. Derrick’s asked him, Who was the Goddess of Music? Venus, said he. Pooh, replied she, you banter. No, upon honour, returned Derrick; if you doubt, appeal to her—for there she sits.
1143. One of those troublesome gentry called meal hunters, one day invited himself to dine with Derrick; the dinner consisted of some fish and a fine piece of roast beef; the gentleman helped himself about half-a-dozen times, and approved highly of Mr. Derrick’s taste, in preferring the roast beef of old England to those flimsy kickshaws so much in fashion, adding, Here’s cut and come again. Sir, said Derrick, you may cut, but you never come again.
1144. A talkative gentleman boasting that he had been instructed in the art of speaking by the celebrated Quin. Sir, said Derrick, this company would have thought themselves more highly obliged to that gentleman, had he taught you the art of holding your tongue.
1145. A gentleman bragging that he was promised the lease of the next house that fell in, Sir, said Derrick, had it been my case, I should rather have desired the lease of the next house that stood.
1146. Derrick one day condoling with an Irish gentleman whose father had lately died. Well, well, said Paddy, it does not signify grieving, for it is what we must all come to, if we do but live long enough.
1147. It being disputed, while Lady ——, who had a remarkable red face, was present in the long room, when there would be an eclipse of the sun. It will be, said Derrick, let me see—ay, it will be, whenever Lady —— shall hide her beauties under a veil.
1148. There was some years ago, a society in the metropolis, called the Court of Humour, the members of which met once a week for the purpose of trying causes. To this meeting, Derrick was invited; and when the lord judge, in summing up the evidence in one of the trials, pronounced, with great gravity, “I must here desire to pause”—My lord, with submission, give me leave to fill up your paws; and immediately presented his lordship with a large tumbler of negus.
1149. Derrick once went to see the tragedy of Richard the Third performed by a country company; the person who played Richard was as wretched a performer as ever disgraced the buskin; and when he came to the scene where he says to Buckingham, “Bring the mayor and aldermen to see me here.” If they see you once, said Derrick, they will never come again.