1174. At a general hunting in Cornwall, which is still observed twice a year, when also there is great wrestling and cudgel playing, a clergyman happened to be among the multitude, and for reproving a fellow for swearing, got his head cut by a stone flung at him by the man, which some that stood by seeing, said, Come, sir, we’ll go along with you to a justice. No, said the minister, truly I think there is much more need to go with me to a surgeon.
1175. A gentleman of good estate, who, it seems, hated tobacco, and hearing that his eldest son did take it, though not in his presence, he told him, if he knew that he took tobacco he would disinherit him. Truly, father, said he, they that told you so were mistaken; for before I will take any tobacco I’ll see it all on fire. Sayest thou so, my boy! cried the old gentleman, I’ll give thee five hundred a year the more for that.
1176. A crafty fellow being extremely in debt, and being threatened by his creditors that they would have him if he was above ground, got himself into a cellar, and there lay with the tapster, and being reproved for so doing, he said there was no fear of his being caught there, because he was under ground, and they dared not break their oaths, as they swore they would have him if above ground.
1177. The French ambassador being at dinner with King James, the king, in mirth, drank a health to him, saying, “The King of France drinks a health to the French King.” Upon which, the French ambassador suddenly replied, The king, my master, is a good lieutenant, for he holds France well for you. No, said the king, he holds it from me. Truly, sir, replied the ambassador, it is no further from you than it was.
1178. A humorous country knight gave his man that waited on him this charge: that he should never say anything to him but what he asked him; a little after he invited two gentlemen to his child’s christening; his man accordingly went to them and acquainted them with it; they bid him thank his master, but to let him know they were pre-engaged, and could not come that day; the knight waited an hour later than ordinary for their coming, but seeing they came not, he asked his man if he had spoken to them? Yes, replied he, but they said they could not come. You rogue, why did you not tell me so before? Why, truly, sir, said he, you did not ask me.
1179. One speaking of the burning of the streets of London, at the great fire, said Cannon Street roared, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Bread Street was burnt to a coal, Ironmonger Lane became red hot, Snow Hill was melted down, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, and Pudding Lane and Pye Corner were over-baked.
1180. A cobbler, sitting in his stall, offended a gentleman who was passing by: Sirrah, said the gentleman, you are a rascal, and if you come out I will give you a kick. Thank you, said the cobbler, if you would give me two I would not come out.
1181. A schoolmaster was always dictating to his scholars that H was no letter; soon after, he called out to one of the boys, and bid him heat the caudle; and when he asked for it, the scholar told him he had done with the caudle as he bid him. What’s that? said the master, Why, sir, replied the boy, I did eat it. Sirrah, said he, I bid you heat it, with an h. Yes, sir, I did eat it with bread, as there is no h.
1182. Pride and Hewson, two Oliverian colonels, the first a drayman and the other a cobbler, being met together, began joking one with the other. Pride told Hewson, he saw a piece of cobbler’s wax sticking upon his scarlet cloak. Poh, said Hewson, a handful of brewer’s grains will scour it off presently.