95. Dr. Heylin, a noted author, especially for his Cosmography, happened to lose his way going to Oxford, in the forest of Whichwood, being then attended by one of his brother’s men, the man earnestly entreated him to lead the way; but the doctor telling him he did not know it! How, said the fellow, that is very strange, that you who have made a book of the whole world, cannot find the way out of this little wood.
96. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a pension from the French king, on the interest of Cardinal Richelieu, the cardinal told him he hoped he would not forget the word pension in his dictionary. No, my lord, said Vaugelas, nor the word gratitude.
97. A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest? Oh! said he, I belong to another parish.
98. A gentleman who had been out a shooting, brought home a small bird with him, and having an Irish servant, he asked him if he had shot that little bird? Yes, he told him. Arrah! by my shoul, honey, replied the Irishman, it was not worth powder and shot; for this little thing would have died in the fall.
99. An Irishman being at a tavern, where the cook was dressing some carp, observed some of them move after they were gutted and put into the pan, which very much surprising Teague, Well now, faith, said he, of all the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the longest after it is dead of any fish.
100. A young fellow riding down a steep hill, and doubting the foot of it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, I’ll warrant you. But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle skirts, which made the young gallant whip, spur, curse and swear. Why, thou rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst thou not tell me it was hard at bottom? Ay, replied the other, but you are not half way to the bottom yet.
101. It was said of one who remembered everything that he lent, but quite forgot what he borrowed, that he had lost half his memory.
102. One speaking of Titus Oates, said, he was a villain in grain, and deserved to be well threshed.
103. It was said of Henry Duke of Guise, that he was the greatest usurer in all France, for he had turned all his estate into obligations—meaning he had sold and mortgaged his patrimony to make presents to other men.
104. An Englishman and a Welchman disputing in whose country was the best living; said the Welchman, There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner. Ay, answered the Englishman, that was because every man toasted his own cheese.