1193. A notorious cunning thief, upon being taken up, applied for a peace warrant against the justice,—as, he said, he stood in fear of his life from him.
1194. A country gentleman asked a wise man, when he saw a fellow abuse and sneer at him, Why he did not return it. Why truly, said he, I think I should do very indiscreetly in so doing; for if an ass kicks you, do you kick him again?
1195. A man, in a bitter cold night, was passing through the street, and seeing all a-bed, and no candle in any window, bethought himself of this project; up and down he went crying, Fire, fire, fire! which made several come to their windows. They asked him where it was? he replied, That was just what he wanted to know, for he was devilish cold.
1196. Some apprentices in London being about to act a play one Christmas, when they were perfect, went to a grave citizen, and requested him to lend them his clothes to act a play in. No, said he, nobody shall play the fool in my clothes but myself.
1197. At a certain battle, a Spanish cardinal went in among the soldiers, and advised them not to spare their lives, but to exert their utmost courage, promising them a remission of all their sins, and that those who died in battle should dine with the angels in Paradise; and having thus reconciled them, he was about to retire from the field, which one of the soldiers perceiving, said to him, And will you not stay and dine with us in Paradise? To which the valiant cardinal replied, His dinner hour was later.
1198. The bishop of the diocese in which Dornfront in Normandy is situated, understanding that the curates within his diocese exacted too much from their parishioners, made a table to regulate the fees for baptism, marriages, and burials; but the curate of Dornfront would not baptize under double the sum limited by the table; whereupon, complaint being made to the bishop, he was summoned to appear before his diocesan, and for his defence, he alleged, that he baptized all, but seldom buried any, for that as soon as they came to be of age, they were generally carried to Rouen to be hanged for false witnesses; so that by this means, he was deprived of the fees for interment. But he would agree, that if any were buried in the parish, he would undertake to do it for nothing; and to prove his statement correct, he produced a list of two hundred he had baptized, of which more than one hundred and eighty had been hanged. The bishop, upon the aforesaid consideration, ordered the poor curate to pay himself for the burials at the time of baptism.
1199. —— was but of little stature, and dining one day at the royal table, with two scholars, both large men, the king sent him a dish with two large fishes and one small one, bidding him to divide them between himself and the two scholars; upon which, —— laid the two large fishes in his own plate, and sent the small one to the two scholars. His majesty laughing, said, Faith, you are no equal divider. That is your majesty’s mistake, said he, and pointing to himself and the two great fishes, said, Here are two great and one little, and on the other side are one little and two great.
1200. A Franciscan one day mounted on a showy horse, was met by a burgess, who reminded him, that being of the order of St. Francis, he was obliged by vow to follow him, but he went on foot, and you are on horseback. Alas! replied the friar, you have reason to say I ought to follow the holy founder of our order, but ’tis so long since he went before, that it is impossible to overtake him on foot, and it will be hard to do it on horseback, unless I spur along.
1201. Dominico, the harlequin, going to see Louis XIV. at supper, fixed his eyes on a dish of partridges. The king, who was fond of his acting, said, Give that dish to Dominico. And the partridges too, sire? Louis, penetrating into the artfulness of the question, replied, And the partridges too. The dish was gold.
1202. A fool being at church at vespers, and observing that as soon as one of the priests began the office, all the rest fell a singing, presently ran to him and gave him a sound cuff on the ear, saying, We should have been quiet enough, if this brawling fellow had not begun to cry first.