152. Some gentlemen having a hare for supper at a tavern, the cook, instead of a pudding, had crammed the belly full of thyme, but had not above half roasted the hare, the legs being almost raw; which one of the company observing, said, There was too much thyme (time) in the belly, and too little in the legs.
153. Two countrymen, who had never seen a play in their lives, nor had any notion of it, went to the theatre in Drury Lane, when they placed themselves snug in the corner of the middle gallery; the first music played, which they liked well enough; then the second and third, to their great satisfaction: at length the curtain drew up, and three or four actors entered to begin the play; upon which one of the countrymen cried to the other, Come, Hodge, let’s be going, mayhap the gentlemen are talking about business.
154. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, called to him with an insolent air, Well, honest fellow, said one of them, ’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour. To which the countryman replied, ’Tis very likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp.
155. Two inseparable comrades who rode in the guards in Flanders, had everything in common between them. One of them being an extravagant fellow, and unfit to be trusted with money, the other was always purse-bearer, which yet he gained little by, for the former would at night frequently pick his pocket to the last stiver; to prevent which, he bethought himself of a stratagem; and coming among his companions the next day, he told them he had bit his comrade. Ah, how? said they. Why, replied he, I hid my money in his own pocket last night, and I was sure he would never look for it there.
156. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a captain in the marines, was quartered at a village where he buried a pretty many of his men; at length the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment unless he was paid for it; which being told Captain Rook, he ordered six men of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay him upon the parson’s hall-table. This so embarrassed the parson, that he sent the captain word, if he would fetch the man away, he would bury him and all his company for nothing.
157. A reverend and charitable divine, for the benefit of the country where he resided, caused a large causeway to be begun; and as he was one day overlooking the work, a certain nobleman came by: Well, doctor, said he, for all your great pains and charity, I don’t take this to be the highway to heaven. Very true, replied the doctor, for if it had, I should have wondered to have met your lordship here.
158. Two Jesuits having packed together an innumerable parcel of miraculous lies, a person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told them one of his own: That at St. Alban’s there was a stone cistern, in which water was always preserved for the use of that saint, and that ever since, if a swine should drink out of it, he would instantly die. The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the story, set out the next day to St. Alban’s, where they found themselves miserably deceived. On their return, they upbraided the person with telling them so monstrous a story. Look you there now, said he, you told me a hundred lies t’other night, and I had more breeding than to contradict you: I told you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to confute me, which is very uncivil.
159. A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one day at the fruitfulness of their countries, the Englishman said, there was a close near the town where he was born, which was so very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown in overnight, it would be so covered with grass that it should be difficult to find it the next day. Splut, said the Welchman, what’s that? There’s a close where hur was born, where you may put your horse in overnight, and not be able to find him next morning.
160. A country fellow in Charles the Second’s time, selling his load of hay in the Haymarket, two gentlemen who came out of the Blue Posts, were talking of affairs; one said, that things did not go right, the king had been at the house and prorogued the parliament. The countryman coming home, was asked, What news in London? Odd’s heart, said he, there’s something to do there, the king has, it seems, berogued the parliament sadly.
161. A wild young gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young lady, the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his return that she was dead, and had been buried. In the meantime, she had so placed herself in disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the news; and finding him still the gay, inconstant man he always had been, she appeared to him as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismayed; at length, disclosing herself to him, he then appeared pretty much surprised; a person by said, Why, sir, you seem more afraid now than before! Ay, replied he, most men are more afraid of a living wife than of a dead one.