162. An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running heedlessly along the ship’s gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and was drowned; being soon after taken up, the coroner’s jury was summoned to sit upon the body. One of the jurymen returning home, was called to by an alderman of the town, and asked, what verdict they brought in, and whether they found it felo de se? Ay, ay, says the juryman, shaking his noddle, he fell into the sea, sure enough.
163. One losing a bag of money of about 50l. between the Temple Gate and Temple Bar, fixed a paper up, offering 10l. reward to those who took it up, and should return it; upon which the person that had it, came and writ underneath to the following effect: Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my loss.
164. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous crime, the eldest was turned off first, without speaking one word; the other mounting the ladder, began to harangue the crowd, whose ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some confession from him. Good people, says he, my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a lamentable spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles.
165. It was an usual saying of King Charles II., that sailors got their money like horses, and spent it like asses. The following story is somewhat an instance of it; one sailor coming to see another on pay-day, desired to borrow twenty shillings of him. The monied man fell to telling out the sum in shillings, but a half-crown thrusting its head in, put him out, and he began to tell again; but then an impertinent crown-piece was as officious as his half brother had been, and again interrupted the tale; so that taking up a handful of silver, he cried, Here, Jack, give me a handful when your ship’s paid; what signifies counting it?
166. A person inquiring what became of Such-a-one? Oh, dear, says one of the company, poor fellow, he died insolvent, and was buried by the parish. Died insolvent! cries another, that’s a lie, for he died in England: I am sure, I was at his burying.
167. A humorous countryman having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor of his, neglected to make the least use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stored his part with corn and hay. In a little time the latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about laying out his money so fruitlessly. Pray neighbour, says he, ne’er trouble your head, you may do what you will with your part of the barn, but I will set mine o’ fire.
168. A young gentlewoman, who had married a very wild spark, that had run through a plentiful fortune, and was reduced to some straits, was innocently saying to him one day, My dear, I want some shifts sadly. How can that be? replied he, when we make so many every day.
169. A fellow once standing in the pillory at Temple Bar, it occasioned a stop, so that a carman with a load of cheeses had much ado to pass; and driving just up to the pillory, he was asked, What that was that was writ over the person’s head? They told him, it was a paper to signify his crime, that he stood for forgery. Ay! said he, What is forgery? They answered him, That forgery was counterfeiting another’s hand, with intent to cheat people. To which the carman replied, looking up at the offender, Oh, this comes of your writing and reading, you silly dog.
170. When the Prince of Orange came over, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower, declared for his highness, and the two others would not come into measures; upon which, Mr. Dryden said, that the seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be assayed at the Tower, and five of them proved to be prince’s metal.