171. A dog coming open-mouthed at a serjeant on a march, he ran the spear of his halbert into his throat and killed him. The owner coming out, raved extremely that his dog was killed, and asked the serjeant, Why he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt end of the halbert? So I would, said he, if he had run at me with his tail.
172. King Charles II. being in company with Lord Rochester and others of the nobility, who had been drinking best part of the night, Killigrew came in. Now, says the king, we shall hear of our faults. No, faith, says Killigrew, I don’t care to trouble my head with that which all the town talks of.
173. One, who had been a very termagant wife, lying on her death-bed, desired her husband, That as she had brought him a fortune, she might have liberty to make her will, for bestowing a few legacies to her relations. No, madam, says he, you have had your will all your lifetime, and now I will have mine.
174. When the Lord Jeffries, before he was a judge, was pleading at the bar once, a country fellow giving evidence against his client, pushed the matter very home on the side he swore of. Jeffries, after his usual way, called out to the fellow, Hark you, you fellow in the leather doublet, what have you for swearing? To which the countryman smartly replied, Faith, sir, if you have no more for lying than I have for swearing, you may go in a leather doublet too.
175. The same Jeffries afterward on the bench, told an old fellow with a long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard. Does your lordship, replied the old man, measure consciences by beards? If so, your lordship has no beard at all.
176. Apelles, the famous painter, having drawn the picture of Alexander the Great on horseback, brought it and presented it to the prince; but he not bestowing that praise on it which so excellent a piece deserved, Apelles desired a living horse might be brought; who, moved by nature, fell a prancing and neighing, as though it had been actually a living creature of the same species; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, That his horse understood painting better than himself.
177. A company of gamesters falling out at a tavern, gave one another very scurvy language; at length, those dreadful messengers of anger, the bottles and glasses, flew about like hail shot; one of which mistaking its errand, and hitting the wainscot instead of the person’s head it was thrown at, brought the drawer rushing in, who cried, D’ye call, gentlemen? Call gentlemen, said one of the standers by, no, they don’t call gentlemen, but they call one another rogue and rascal as fast as they can.
178. One observing a crooked fellow in close argument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable resolution, said to his friend, Prithee let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he’s bent upon it.
179. Bully Dawson was overturned in a hackney-coach once, pretty near his lodgings; and being got on his legs again, he said, ’Twas the greatest piece of providence that ever befell him, for it had saved him the trouble of bilking the coachman.
180. Sir Godfrey Kneller and the late Dr. Ratcliffe had a garden in common, with a common gate: Sir Godfrey upon some occasion, ordered the gate to be nailed up. When the doctor heard of it, he said he did not care what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not paint it. This being told Sir Godfrey, he replied he would take that, or anything else, from his good friend Dr. Ratcliffe, but his physic.