501. A gentleman staying late one night at the tavern, his wife sent his servant for him about twelve. John, said he, go home and tell your mistress it can be no more. The man returned, by his mistress’s order, again at one, the answer then was, it could be no less. But, sir, said the man, day has broke. With all my heart, replied the master, he owes me nothing. But the sun is up, sir. And so he ought to be, John, ought he not? He has farther to go than we have, I am sure.
502. A noisy talkative spark, who had a handsome place in the king’s revenue, more than he merited, was holding an argument one day with a gentleman, at a public coffee-house; the controversy turned upon some point of government, and his antagonist, who had somewhat galled him by the strength of his argument, referred him to such a place in history, where he would find how much he was mistaken in the dispute. Phoo, said said he, d’ye think I have no other business but to read histories? Faith, said the other, ’tis pity you had, till you had read a little more.
503. Susan, a country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a present of a 5l. bank note for her marriage portion. Her mistress wished to see the object of Susan’s favour; and a very diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ugly as an ape, made his appearance. Ah, Susan, said her mistress, what a strange choice you have made! La, ma’am, said Susan, in such hard times as these, when almost all the tall fellows are gone for soldiers, what more of a man than this can you expect for a 5l. note?
504. There happened, when Swift was at Larcone in Ireland, the sale of a farm and stock, the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past during the auction, just as a pen of poultry had been put up. Roger (Swift’s clerk) bid for them, but was overbid by a farmer of the name of Hatch. What, Roger, won’t you buy the poultry? exclaimed Swift. No, sir, said Roger, I see they are just a going to Hatch.
505. In a debate on the leather tax, in 1795, in the Irish House of Commons, the Chancellor of the Exchequer (Sir John P——) observed, with great emphasis, That, in the prosecution of the present war, every man ought to give his last guinea to protect the remainder. Mr. Vaudelure said, that however that might be, the tax on leather would be severely felt by the barefooted peasantry of Ireland. To which Sir Boyle Roache replied, that this could be easily remedied, by making the under-leathers of wood.
506. Lieutenant Connolly, an Irishman in the service of the United States, during the American war, chanced to take three Hessian prisoners himself, without any assistance. Being asked by the commander in chief how he had taken them? I surrounded them, was the answer.
507. A seedsman being held to bail for having used inflammatory language respecting the reform bill, a wag observed, It was probably in the line of his profession—to promote business, he wished to sow sedition.
508. When Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, the night being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Mr. Garrick’s chair came up first. Let me get into the chair, cried the surly veteran—let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern. By all means, said Garrick; I shall ever be happy to give Mr. Quin light in anything.
509. The late Richard Russel, esq. had a renter’s share at Drury Lane, where he used to go almost every evening; and, notwithstanding his immense fortune, his penury was so great, that rather than give a trifle to any of the women who attended in the lobby-box to take care of his great coat on an evening, he used constantly to pledge it for a shilling, at a pawnbroker’s near the theatre, and redeem it when the performance was over, which cost him one halfpenny interest.