510. A mountebank, expatiating on the virtues of his drawing salve, and reciting many instances of its success, was interrupted by an old woman, who asserted, rather iron-ically, that she had seen it draw out of a door four rusty tenpenny nails, that defied the united efforts of two of the strongest blacksmiths, with their hammers and pincers.
511. At the close of that season in which Shuter, the comedian, first became so universally and deservedly celebrated in his Master Stephen, in the revived comedy of Every Man in his Humour, he was engaged for a few nights, in a principal city in the north of England. It happened that the coach in which he went down (and in which there was only an old gentleman and himself) was stopped on the other side of Finchley Common by a highwayman. The old gentleman, in order to save his own money, pretended to be asleep; but Shuter resolved to be even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman presented his pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver his money instantly, or he was a dead man—Money! returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly vacant; Oh! Lord, sir, they never trusts me with any; for nuncle here always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour! Upon which the highwayman giving him a few curses for his stupidity, complimented the old gentleman with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed him of every shiling; while Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, with great satisfaction and merriment, pursued his journey, laughing heartily at his fellow-traveller.
512. This excellent comedian was once in disgrace with the audience, in consequence of irregularities:—they demanded an apology. Shuter was somewhat tardy; and a lady was going on with her part; but the audience called out, Shuter! Shuter!—the arch comedian peeped from behind the curtain, and said, Pray do not shoot her; the lady is innocent, the fault is entirely my own. This put the house in good humour, and Shuter was received with applause.
513. Two sailors, the one Irish, the other English, agreed reciprocally to take care of each other, in case of either being wounded in an action then about to commence. It was not long before the Englishman’s leg was shot off by a cannon-ball; and on asking Paddy to carry him to the doctor according to their agreement, the other very readily complied; but had scarcely got his wounded companion on his back when a second ball struck off the poor fellow’s head. Paddy, through the noise and bustle, had not perceived his friend’s last misfortune, but continued to make the best of his way to the surgeon. An officer observing him with the headless trunk, asked him where he was going? To the doctor, said Paddy. To the doctor! said the officer, why, blockhead, the man has lost his head. On hearing this, he flung the body from his shoulders, and looking at it very attentively, By my shoul, said he, he told me it was his leg, but I was a fool to believe him, for he was always a great liar.
514. C. Bannister employed his tailor to make him a pair of small-clothes, and sent him an old pair as a pattern. When the new ones came home, Charles complained that there was no fob. I didn’t think you wanted one, said Snip, since I found the duplicate of your watch in the old pocket!
515. What’s the matter? inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted. Matter! matter enough, (exclaimed the delinquent,) pressing a poor negro to get oil.
516. In a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match, I think you want the brimstone. To which she replied, No, not the brimstone, only the spark.
517. A mischievous English rider, who happened to sleep at an inn with an Irishman, whose naked leg was hanging over the bed, wantonly buckled a spur round his ancle. In tossing about in his slumbers, Pat drew his foot across the other leg, and mangled it most cruelly. On discovering his situation, he knocked up the bootjack-boy, and swore at him for an awkward scoundrel, for taking off his boots and letting a spur remain on.
518. An Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful appearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of extreme old age. Sancta Maria, exclaimed the good Hibernian, is it possible that this gentleman was an old man when his father was born!
519. Mr. Watson, uncle to the late Marquis of Rockingham, a man of immense fortune, finding himself at the point of death, desired a friend who was present, to open him a drawer, in which was an old shirt, that he might put it on. Being asked why he would wish to change his linen when he was so ill, he replied, Because I am told that the shirt I die in must be the nurse’s perquisite, and that is good enough for her!—This was as bad as the old woman, who, with her last breath, blew out an inch of candle, Because, said she, I can see to die in the dark!