603. A servant girl, who always attended divine service, but who also could not read, had, from constant attendance, got the service by rote, and could repeat it extremely well. But a few Sundays previous to her marriage, she was accompanied in the same pew by her beau, to whom she did not like it to be known that she could not read; she, therefore, took up the prayer-book, and held it before her. Her lover wished to have a sight of it also, but, unfortunately for her, she held it upside down. The man astonished, said, Good heavens! why you have the book wrong side upwards. I know it, sir, said she, confusedly, I always read so, I am left-handed.
604. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, in an elegant negligée dress, quite languid with the heat of the day. Waiter, said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, Waiter, fetch me a dish of coffee, weak as water, and cool as a zephyr! Quin, in a voice of thunder, immediately vociferated, Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot as h-ll, and strong as d—t—n. The beau, starting, exclaimed in his feminine way, Pray, waiter, what is that gentleman’s name? Quin, in the same tremendous tone, exclaimed, Waiter, pray what is that lady’s name?
605. An old female methodist preached about the country, that she had been eleven months in heaven. One of the audience started up and said, It was a pity that she did not stay the other odd month, as she might then have gained a legal settlement.
606. Two actors belonging to Covent Garden Theatre, being on their way to Brighton, stopped at an inn to change horses, where there was a coach coming towards London, waiting the same accommodation, on the roof of which was seated a farmer’s man, who hailed the two actors thus: So, masters, you are going a mumming I see. How the devil does that fellow know we are performers? said one of the actors. Don’t you see he’s on the stage himself? replied the other.
607. The tradesmen of a certain great man, having dunned him for a long time, he desired his servant one morning to admit the tailor who had not been so constant in his attendance as the rest. When he made his appearance, My friend, said he to him, I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that I’ll never pay you a farthing! Now go home, mind your business, and don’t lose your time by calling here.—As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds and rascals, for whom I have no affection, and they may come as often as they choose.
608. Atterbury, Bishop of Rochester, when a certain bill was brought into the House of Lords, said, among other things, That he prophesied last winter this bill would be attempted in the present session, and he was sorry to find that he had proved a true prophet. Lord Coningsby, who spoke after the bishop, and always spoke in a passion, desired the house to remark, That his right reverend friend had set himself forth as a prophet; but for his part he did not know what prophet to liken him to, unless to that furious prophet, Balaam, who was reproved by his own ass. The bishop, in a reply, with great wit and calmness, exposed this rude attack, concluding thus:—Since the noble lord had discovered in our manners such a similitude, I am content to be compared to the prophet Balaam; but, my lords, I am at a loss to make out the other part of the parallel; where is the ass? I am sure I have been reproved by nobody but his lordship.
609. A man in the habit of travelling, complained to his friend, that he had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad; he was advised to carry pistols with him on his journey. Oh! that would be still worse, replied the hero, the thieves would rob me of them also.
610. When Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, curiosity drew numbers to the gaol to see the man loaded with irons, who had long been a terror to the country. Among others was a banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest estimation, who assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, Ah! sir, I did not expect that from you; indeed, I did not; for you well know, that when all the country refused your notes, I took them.