611. When Johnson had completed his Dictionary, the delay of which had quite exhausted the patience of Millar, the bookseller, the latter acknowledged the receipt of the last sheet in the following terms:—“Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks God he has done with him.” To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor replied in this smart retort: “Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he does by his note) that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank God for anything.”
612. A man was sitting in his study at work, when one of his neighbours came running to tell him that the back part of his house must be on fire, as it smoked excessively: Oh! answered the man, be so good as to tell my wife, for I do not concern myself at all with the housekeeping.
613. An old woman that sold ale, being at church, fell asleep during the sermon, and unluckily let her old-fashioned clasped Bible fall, which making a great noise, she exclaimed, half awake, So, you jade, there’s another jug broke.
614. The late Countess of Kenmare, who was a devout Catholic, passing one day from her devotions at a chapel in Dublin, through a lane of beggars, who are there certainly the best actors in Europe, in the display of counterfeit misery, her ladyship’s notice was particularly attracted by one fellow apparently more wretched than the rest, and she asked him, Pray, my good man, what is the matter with you? The fellow, who well knew her simplicity and benevolence, answered, Oh! my lady, I’m deaf and dumb. Poor man! replied the innocent lady, how long have you been so? Ever since I had the fever last Christmas. The poor lady presented him with half-a-crown, and went away commiserating his misfortune.
615. Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman with large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son’s heart. One day he requested Tom to walk with him, and soon entered on the subject of his marriage, and pointed out to him in glowing colours the advantages of so brilliant an alliance. Tom listened with the utmost patience, and then descanted on the perfections of the woman who proved the pride and solace of his declining years. Sheridan grew warm, and expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I’ll cut you off with a shilling! Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and, looking archly at his father, said, Then, sir, you must borrow it. Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.
616. About the year 1762, a colonel in command in the West Indies, was ordered to disembark his corps for the attack of one of the islands. In stepping into a boat he fell overboard, and the current was carrying him rapidly from the ship, when an honest tar jumped after him, kept him afloat till a boat was despatched to his assistance, and put him on board again in safety. One of Jack’s mess-mates having observed the colonel put something into the hand of his deliverer, stepped up to him, and exclaimed, Dam—me, Jack, you’re in luck to-day, aye! and eagerly opening his hand, expected at least to share in a can of grog; but on discovering the generous reward, a sixpence, the tar uttered a prayer, and whispered his messmate, Never mind, Jack, every man knows the value of his life best.
617. A rich, but miserly man, invited a poor acquaintance to dine with him, and when they were seated at table, helped him to a very small piece of meat; upon which, the poor man, starting from his chair, exclaimed, I’m blind! I’m blind! I’m blind! The other, astonished at this sudden misfortune, begged his guest to resume his seat, and try if he could not see at all; on this, the poor man, taking up his plate, said, I think I can see a little bit.
618. A gentleman happening to remark, one intensely hot evening, that Parliament would soon be dissolved, a young lady immediately added, So shall we all, if this weather continues.
619. Soon after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley, taking a walk, met a stout Indian begging, and saying he could get no work. The governor told him to go to his house, and he would give him work. But, said the negro, why you no work, massa? O, said the governor, my head works. The man, however, turned out an idle good-for-nothing fellow, and his master found it necessary one day to have him flogged. With this view he gave him a letter, desiring him to carry it to the keeper of the workhouse. The negro, suspecting its contents, committed it to the care of one of his comrades, who got a sound whipping for his trouble. The governor having learned this, asked Mungo why he did so? O, massa, said he, head work.
620. When Lord Stair was ambassador in Holland, he gave frequent entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited, not excepting the ambassador of France, with whose nation we were then on the point of breaking. In return, the Abbé de Ville, the French ambassador, as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors upon the like occasions. The Abbé was a man of vivacity, and fond of punning. Agreeable to this humour, he one day proposed a toast in these terms: “The Rising Sun, my master,” alluding to the device and motto of Louis XIV.; which was pledged by the whole company. It came then to the Baron de Reisback’s turn to give a toast; and he, to countenance the Abbé, proposed the Moon, in compliment to the empress queen; which was greatly applauded. The turn then came to the Earl of Stair, on whom all eyes were fastened; but that nobleman, whose presence of mind never forsook him, drank his master, King William, by the name of Joshua, the son of Nun, who made the Sun and Moon stand still.