725. A cause was once tried in one of the western counties which originated in a dispute about a pair of small-clothes. Upon this occasion the judge observed, That it was the first time he had ever known a suit made out of a pair of breeches.
726. Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in a small town, in a lonely street, and took away his money and coat. He immediately repaired to the captain of the regiment, to complain of his misfortune. The captain asked him whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore when he was robbed by the soldiers. Yes, sir, replied the poor fellow. Then, my friend, rejoined the captain, I am can assure you they do not belong to my company; otherwise they would have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt.
727. A fashionable countess, asking a young nobleman which he thought the prettiest flowers, roses or tulips? He replied with great gallantry, Your ladyship’s two lips before all the roses in the world.
728. A gentleman, who did not live very happy with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was going to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night—Happy girl! said the master, I wish I could give warning too.
729. In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary’s widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed, that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c. into the street as rubbish. I doubt, said the learned judge, whether sweeping of physic into the street, be any proof of insanity. True, my lord, replied the counsel, but sweeping the pots away, certainly was.
730. Dr. South, once preaching before Charles II. (who was not very often in a church), observing that the monarch and all his attendants began to nod, and, as nobles are common men when they are asleep, some of them soon after snored, on which he broke off his sermon, and called out, Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will wake the king.
731. An Irishman, meeting an acquaintance, thus accosted him: Ah, my dear, who do you think I have just been speaking to? your old friend Patrick; faith, and he has grown so thin, I hardly knew him; to be sure, you are thin, and I am thin, but he is thinner than both of us put together.
732. An Irishman seeing a large quantity of potatoes standing in a market-place, observed to a by-stander, what a fine show of potatoes! Yes, they are, replied he, very fine potatoes: I see you have the name quite pat; how do you call them in your country? Ah, faith! returned the Irishman, we never call ’em; when we want any, we go and dig them.
733. During the recent unpleasant situation of affairs in Ireland, a watch-word was required of every passenger after a certain hour, with liberty for the sentinel to interrogate at will. A poor harmless Irishman, travelling from Kilmainy to Kilmore, being asked concerning his place of departure, and place of destination, answered, to the astonishment of the inquirer, I have been to kill-many, and am going to kill-more. That you shall not, said the sentinel, and immediately ran him through with his bayonet.
734. A blind man, who goes about the streets of London, whining out a long story about his misfortunes, has, amongst other prayers for the charitable and humane, the following curious wish:—May you never see the darkness which I now see!