735. Demonax, hearing one declaim miserably, said, You should practice more. The orator answering, I am always declaiming to myself—he replied, No wonder you do not improve, having so foolish an audience.
736. A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber’s shop in Glasgow, to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. Tippence, said the Highlander. No, no, said the shaver; I’ll give you a penny, and if that does not satisfy you, take your broom again. The Highlander took it, and asked what he had to pay. A penny, said Strap. I’ll gie ye a baubee, said Duncan, and if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again.
737. A lady asking a gentleman, How it was that most medical men dressed in black? he replied, The meaning is very obvious, as they are chiefly occupied in preparing grave subjects.
738. When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude in an English sailor, exciting his surprise and curiosity, he went and asked the man if he was afraid. Afraid! answered the honest tar, no! I was only praying that the enemy’s shot may be distributed in the same proportion as prize-money—the greatest part among the officers.
739. Indeed, indeed, friend Tom, said one citizen to another, you have spoiled the look of your nag by cropping his ears so close: what could be your reason for it? Why, friend Turtle, I will tell you—my horse had a strange knack of being frightened, and on very trifling occasions would prick up his ears as if he had seen the devil, and so, to cure him, I cropped him.
740. Macklin and Dr. Johnson disputing on a literary subject, Johnson quoted Greek. I do not understand Greek, said Macklin. A man who argues should understand every language, replied Johnson. Very well, said Macklin, and gave him a quotation from the Irish.
741. A crooked gentleman, on his arrival at Bath, was asked by another, what place he had travelled from? I came straight from London, replied he. Did you so? said the other, then you have been terribly warped by the way.
742. A countryman on a trial respecting the right of a fishery at a late Lancaster assizes, was cross-examined by Serjeant Cockel, who, among many other questions, asked the witness, Dost thou love fish? Yes, said the poor fellow, with a look of native simplicity, but I dinna like Cockle sauce with it. A roar of laughter of course followed.
743. A witness in a court, speaking in a very harsh and loud voice, the lawyer employed on the other side exclaimed, Fellow, why dost thou bark so furiously? Because, replied the rustic, I think I sees a thief.