762. At a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian (an exceeding large man), Lothian, I have heard much of your agility, let us see you run up after that boy. Sire, replied Lord Lothian, it is my duty to follow your majesty.

763. A gentleman crossing a very narrow bridge, which was not railed on either side to secure passengers from falling, said to a countryman whom he met, Me-thinks this narrow causeway must be very dangerous, honest friend! pray are not people lost here sometimes? Lost! no, sir, replied the man, I never knew anybody lost here in my life; there have been several drowned, but they were always found again.

764. The Earl of P—— kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a large silver spoon. Just at this crisis a servant maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs for crying so. Well they may, said his lordship, when they have got but one silver spoon among them all.

765. Pierre Zapata, court jester to Charles V., being one day made a butt of by his master, that prince, expecting some joke in return, said to his courtiers, I shall be soon paid for this. To which the jester replied, Not so soon as you imagine, sire; I am not prompt in paying those who are so tardy in paying others! This repartee was found the more lively, owing to Zapata and the officers of the court not having for a long time received their pensions.

766. David Hartley, member for Hull, during the coalition administration, was remarkable for the length and dulness of his speeches. On one occasion, having reduced the house from three hundred to about eighty sleepy hearers, by one of his harangues, just at the time it was supposed he would conclude, he moved that the Riot Act should be read, in order to prove one of his previous assertions. Burke, who had been bursting with impatience for full an hour and a half, and who was anxious to speak to the question, finding himself about to be so disappointed, rose, exclaiming, The Riot Act, my dear friend! the Riot Act! to what purpose? Don’t you see that the mob is already completely dispersed? Every person present was convulsed with laughter, except Hartley, who never changed countenance, and who still insisted that the Riot Act should be read by the clerk.

767. When Lord Townshend was lord lieutenant of Ireland, the then provost of Dublin lost no opportunity of repeating his solicitations for places. My dear Hely, said his lordship, you have a great many things, and I have nothing to give but a majority in the dragoons. I accept it then, replied the provost. What! you take a majority! answered his lordship, zounds, it is impossible; I only meant it as a joke. And I accept it, replied the provost, merely to show you how well I can take a joke.

768. A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he came there? he answered, By a dispute. What dispute? The bedlamite replied, The world said I was mad; I said the world was mad; and they outvoted me.

769. When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian judge, was on his passage home, as he was one day walking the deck, it having blown pretty hard the preceding day, a shark was playing by the side of the ship. Having never seen such an object before, he called to one of the sailors to tell him what it was. Why, replied the tar, I don’t know what name they know them by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers.

770. A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Erskine, who was a great punster, that punning is the lowest sort of wit. It is so, answered he, and therefore the foundation of all.

771. A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. How, said she, can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death? Why not, madam, said the butcher; you would not eat them alive, would you?