886. A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. When and where? said the pastor. Last night, replied the timid man, I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre. In what shape did it appear? replied the priest. It appeared in the shape of a great ass. Go home, and say not a word about it, rejoined the pastor: you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow.
887. A lady remarking to a bookseller that she had just had Crabbe’s Tales, and thought them excellent; another lady heard the observation with astonishment, and on the departure of the speaker, asked the bookseller, with a very grave face, If he could tell her how the crab’s tails were dressed, as she should like much to taste them.
888. A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd’s was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house, on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, Do you know, I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy. The devil she is! said he; well, I am glad that she has got into port at last.
889. Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato plant—the only good belonging to him is under ground.
890. It is well known that the celebrated lawyer Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton) was a severe cross-examiner, unsparing in his sarcasms and reflections upon character, when he thought that the truth might be elicited by alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh and overbearing, when milder behaviour would have done him more credit, and answered his purpose quite as well. Among the numerous rebukes which he received for this habit of severity, the following is related, from his brother barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that he had made a purchase of some manors in Devonshire. It would be well, said Lee, if you could bring them to Westminster Hall.
891. The late Lee Lewes shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him violently: I allow no person, said he, to kill game on my manor but myself, and I’ll shoot you, if you come here again. What, said the other, I suppose you mean to make game of me.
892. George the Fourth, on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his biography of that statesman, observed: I won’t say that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted his life.
893. The late Duke of Norfolk was remarkably fond of his bottle. On a masquerade night, he consulted Foote as to what character he should appear in. Don’t go disguised, said Foote, but assume a new character; go sober.
894. Lord B—, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O’Connell in Dublin, the latter said, When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace establishment? When you place your tongue on the civil list! was the witty rejoinder.
895. A gentleman, at whose house Swift was once dining in Ireland, introduced at dinner remarkably small hock glasses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him,—Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, hæc, hoc, with you. Sir, rejoined the doctor, I shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a hujus glass.