896. There were two very fat noblemen at the court of Louis the Fifteenth, the Duke de L— and the Duke de N—. They were both one day at the levee, when the king began to rally the former on his corpulence. You take no exercise, I suppose, said the king. Pardon me, sire, said de L—, I walk twice a day round my cousin de N—.
897. An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining on Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow. O, yes, retorted the half-starved lad, but I ha’nt eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, father.
898. Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dear. A Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why. It’s a’ owin’ to the war, said Paddy. The war! said the astonished matron, gracious me! are they gaun to fight by candle light?
899. Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not very partial to the Thea linensis, although lauded so warmly by a French writer as nostris gratissima musis, being invited to take tea by a lady, with true classic wit and refined gallantry, uttered the following delicate compliment:—Non possum te-cum vivere, nec sine te!
900. Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his father before and after meals, very tedious. One day, after the winter’s provisions had been salted—I think, father, said Benjamin, if you were to say grace over the whole cask once for all, it would be a great saving of time.
901. Mr. Pitt, said the Duchess of Gordon, I wish you to dine with me at ten this evening. I must decline the honour, said the premier, for I am engaged to sup with the Bishop of Lincoln at nine.
902. Burnet relates that the Habeas Corpus Act was carried by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lords Grey and Norris being named the tellers, and Lord Norris being subject to vapours, was not at all times attentive; on a very fat lord passing, Lord Grey counted him as ten, as a jest at first, but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on, and it was reported to the house, and it was declared, that they who were for the bill, were the majority, though it was really on the other side; and by this means the bill was passed. Would that all tricks had the same happy results!
903. The late Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of conviviality, which frequently led him to spend the whole night in company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation, having waited on him before he had risen, began to read him a familiar lecture on prudence; which she concluded by saying, Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel! I see plainly that you’ll shorten your days. Very true, Madam, replied he, but, by the same rule, you must admit that I shall lengthen my nights.
904. An attorney, who was much molested by a fellow importuning him to bestow something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. A beggar! exclaimed the man, I would have you to know that I am of the same profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors? That may be, friend, yet there is this difference—you are not a legal one, which I am.
905. Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his companion, said, I see you are a Grecian. Pooh! said the other, that’s far-fetched. No, indeed, said the punster, I made it on the spot.