Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air never fully prepared, and those air twins."
PERPETUAL MOTION.—474.
A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who turned the crank in the cellar.
ARTEMUS WARD ON REORGANIZATION.—475.
Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of reorganization:—"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once. I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud voice I said, Betsy—I continued crackin' the whip over the bed—I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke up I found she had. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out."
A RECEIPT IN FULL.—476.
A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after much mental effort produced the following:—"I ish full. I wants no more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full of lager beer.
A SUDDEN DECLARATION.—477.
A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case suggested the following plan:—He politely handed his fair neighbour a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:—Second Epistle of John, verse fifth—"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth—"Then she fell on her face and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am a stranger?'" He returned the book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St. John—"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took place the ensuing week.