THE Steuben Courier says that a man walked forty miles to claim exemption from the war-draft, on the ground of inability to stand long marches and the hardships of camp life.—A man named Jefferson Davis was drafted in New Bedford on Tuesday last. We hope that he may be able to go, and be in at the death of his illustrious rebel namesake.—Seven of the waiters in one of the popular hotels of Boston were the victims of the draft, but the next morning after their names had been drawn from the wheel of the Provost-Marshal, they had all skedaddled to parts unknown, and have not been heard of since.—There were two Mike Sullivans, the Boston Herald says, living at Fort Hill, and neither had any other distinction. One of them was drafted, but which of them neither could tell, nor any one else. One of them was called upon by a friend, who inquired if he was the Michael Sullivan who had been drafted. "Yes," said Mike, "I suppose I am." "Are you sure of that, now?" exclaimed Mike's friend. "How the divil do you know but you axe the other Mike Sullivan?"—A laughable circumstance took place in the Fourteenth Ward, Philadelphia, during the drafting. Everything was going on quietly, and good humour appeared to be depicted upon every countenance. Among the many hundreds that were there was a pale-faced son of the Emerald Isle, gazing on the wheel, and at every revolution gasping for breath. Of a sudden, losing all control of himself, he burst out: "Wherl it round! wherl it round!—rouse it, will ye!" "What's the matter with you?" said the Provost-Marshal. "Oh, be jabers, turn it round a dozen times, for that man you drawed last is my next door neighbour."
GREAT SCARCITY.—369.
Speaking of the great scarcity of provisions down South, a Northern paper says—"Tea is so scarce in the South that they haven't even drawings of it, and there are no grounds for supposing that they have any coffee."
THE CAPTAIN'S PUDDING.—370.
The following story is told of a Yankee captain and his mate:—Whenever there was a plum-pudding made, by the captain's orders, all the plums were put into one end of it, and that end placed next to the captain, who, after helping himself, passed it to the mate, who never found any plums in his part of it. After this game had been played for some time, the mate prevailed on the steward to place the end which had no plums in it next to the captain. The captain no sooner perceived that the pudding had the wrong end turned towards him, than picking up the dish, and turning it round, as if to examine the china, he said: "This dish cost me two shillings in Liverpool;" and put it down, as if without design, with the plum end next to himself. "Is it possible?" said the mate, taking up the dish. "I shouldn't suppose it was worth more than a shilling." And, as if in perfect innocence, he put down the dish with the plums next to himself. The captain looked at the mate; the mate looked at the captain. The captain laughed; the mate laughed. "I tell you what, young one," said the captain, "you've found me out, so we will just cut the pudding lengthwise this time, and have the plums fairly distributed hereafter."
SALARY NOT SO MUCH AN OBJECT, ETC.—371.
Minister used to amuse me beyond anything, poor old soul. Once the congregation met, and raised his wages from three to four hundred dollars a-year. Well, it nearly set him crazy; it bothered him so he could hardly sleep. So, after church was over the next Sunday, he said, "My dear brethren, I hear you have raised my salary to four hundred dollars. I am greatly obliged to you for your kindness, but I can't think of taking it on no account. First, you can't afford it, no how you can fix it, and I know it. Secondly, I ain't worth it, and you know it; and, thirdly, I am nearly tired to death collecting my present income. If I have to dun the same way for that it will kill me. I can't stand it; I shall die. No, no, pay me what you allow me more punctually, and it is all I ask, or will ever receive."—Sam Slick.
ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.—372.
"Friend Wales,—You remember me. I saw you in Canada a few years ago. I remember you, too. I seldim forgit a person. I hearn of your marriage to the Princess Alexandry, & ment ter writ you a congreetoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bilding a barn this summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin circle, which answers the same purpuss. Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales. In my country we've got a war, while your country manetanes a nootral position! Yes, sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses. I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, and I stand reddy to sacrifiss my wife's brother rather'n not see the rebelyin krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied relatiens has got to prosekoot the war. I think somebody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as anybody else. My object in now addressin' you is to give you sum adwice, friend Wales, about managin' your wife, a bizness I've had over thirty years' experience in. You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to say about 'vikins' in connection tharewith. Not knowing what that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook, I can't 'zactly say whether we had 'em or not. We was both very much flustrated. But I never enjoyed myself better in my life. Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a good meal in New York, and cheap, too. You can git half a mackrill at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's, for six dollars, and a biled pertaters throwd in. I manidge my wife without any particler trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You had better do similer. There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to. I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm. Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales. As yehrs roll by, and accidents begin to happen to you—and your responsibilities increase—you will agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on with any certinty of winnin'. It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does, and I understan' my bizness a good deal better than sum of 'em do. Respects to St. Gorge and the Dragon.—'Ever be happy.'"